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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Have I done the right thing?

13 replies

Apparentlynothing · 30/11/2011 21:15

Ex (D)P and I were together for 5 years. There were a few bumps, due to him not being ready to settle down and commit. We finally moved in together 3 years ago and I accidentally (genuinely) fell pregnant within a week. This obviously caused massive issues, with him initially saying let's make a go of it, then changing his mind. Involved me moving out, walking in an out of an abortion clinic 8 times over the space of a week, as I was so unsure of what to do etc etc. All very horrible.

Anyway, I decided to keep the baby, and become a single Mum. (I was 34, he was 36). Six months into the pregnancy, we decided to try again, and I moved back in with him. DS is now just over 2 and fabulous. However, things with ex DP never really recovered. I'm not sure I ever forgave him (sounds silly) for not standing by me when pregnant - he always maintained he did the right thing, by being honest.

So, when DS turned 1, I started thinking that I needed more from him - some kind of commitment or at least discussion about where we were going. Every time I brought it up, he said "Let's see how it goes...not really sure how I feel about you" etc etc. I also found him to be very critical about everything - from my parenting choices to how clean the house was. However, Ex Dp says this was more about me than him - and that I am highly sensitive to "positive feedback" (as opposed to criticism) - which is possibly true.

Anyway, I started to feel v bleak about it all - in the meantime we had moved house (renting), I had left my job and lots of friends behind. We went to counselling, but nothing changed. Lots of rows and it became harder and harder.

So in the summer, I found out that he had been unfaithful. For me that was the last straw, and DS and I moved out. We still see him regularly though.

My question (finally!!) is this: he's a good Dad, not one of life's bad guys (I don't think!) and I find it hard to know if I have done the right thing. I really felt that I would have done anything to try and make our relationship work - for all of our sakes - esp DS's. So was I expecting too much by wanting more (commitment) than he was willing / able to give? Should I have just stayed and tried even harder? Should I have accepted that many men stray when times are tough - and deal with it?!

Sorry this is so long, but am feeling sad - just put up Christmas tree with DS but don't want to be alone!

Thanks for your thoughts X

OP posts:

kunahero · 30/11/2011 21:21

Not one of lifes bads guys?
He treated you like shit and you still think he's a decent bloke.
You are way better off out of there
Stay out, stay strong.
Please dont go back he will just walk all over you again and again.

pickgo · 30/11/2011 21:23

You are not responsible for his behaviour. From what you say he has been deplorably uncommitted to the mother of his child (not the best dad imo) and his criticism of you sounds very unreasonable (if he wanted a tidy house why was he critical of you?) Lack of fidelity is more lack of committment not to mention disloyalty and deception.

Sounds to me that he left you with no choice if you wanted to retain any self-respect or sanity and that you are both a hundred times better off without such an irresponsible and immature man living in your home.

Being alone is tough particularly at this time of year. But get out, meet & make friends see family. And keep in mind you may well have another relationship - and hopefully a much happier one - which you couldn't do if you had not moved on.

Witchofthenorth · 30/11/2011 21:24

To be blunt...yes you did do the right thing. You and your son do not deserve to be treated like that and TBH I would have walked away and stayed away with the whole pregnancy thing, but that is me.

I know it's hard to be alone, especially at this time of year, but you have your son and your dignity and are not sharing it with a man who clearly has no respect for you at all.

bejeezus · 30/11/2011 21:26

He let you down when you was pregnant and you needed him

He won't commit to you

He criticised you

He cheated on you

You did the right thing x

izzywhizzysmincepies · 30/11/2011 21:30

He may be a good father at this moment in time but I reserve judgement as to his future suitability as a role model for older dcs.

You may not think he is 'one of the bad guys' but IMO he's a shit. Pure and simple.

As kuna says, don't ever be tempted to get back together with him because he'll resume putting you down at every turn and he'll do the dirty on you again - his type always reverts to type and you're far better off without him fucking with your head.

AnyFucker · 30/11/2011 21:31

he may be a reasonable dad, and you should facilitate contact with your ds if he wants it

however, he was a fucking awful partner

you did the right thing, a million times over

just how many more ways could you have let him demonstrate how little he respected you, in the name of "staying together" ?

you are giving a good example to your ds, by making a decision that benefits you first and foremost, but also your ds

would you have wanted him to grow up in an environment where daddy treats mummy like shit ?

Original poster

Apparentlynothing · 30/11/2011 21:41

Thanks for your messages - have made me smile and feel a bit sad at the same time! Yes, you are right. My head is just a bit melted by it all at the moment. Feel like I got through the last few months (since the split) on a wave of adrenalin, but now feeling sad and a bit lonely. Pickgo, you're right - I think deep down, I knew that if I had stayed, I'd have gone mad. But in a really, really stupid way, I do keep dwelling on the "what ifs" and "if onlys". I am facilitating a lot of contact AF - don't want that to change, but on a practical level, I do find it hard to see him. DS loves spending time all together, so we do still do day trips etc all together sometimes - although I have explained to him very clearly that Mummy and Daddy don't live together anymore - but I think it's messing with my head. Almost pretending to play happy families.

OP posts:

AnyFucker · 30/11/2011 21:47

You don't have to play happy families

You say it os for ds, fair enough, but if it making his mummy unhappy, do you think he would want that (when he is old enough to understand)

I am not actually a fan of "pretending" to children, tbh

I think it confuses them, and gives them false hope, despite what you may say

children are extremely literal and will take note of what they see in front of them...mummy and daddy back together and having fun

I would advise that you detach completely, and insist the contact time is spent away from you

all you need to do to "facilitate" is make your ds available....not keep laying your headspace open to be continually fucked over

it's too much

rightchoice · 30/11/2011 21:50

You carry on smiling. You are better off being a bit lonley, but free rather than having to spend Christmas like in the past, knowing he had already checked out of the relationship! Don't dwell on things that cannot be changed, instead think about how you can give you and your little one an exciting time, be creative and inventive, and dwell on what you can do rather than what you can't. You are free to do as you please, make the most of it, what's done is done, and now is the time for you and your DS. I bet there are a few readers who would love to have the freedom you have at the moment. Who knows what is around the corner too.......enjoy if you can.

Original poster

Apparentlynothing · 30/11/2011 21:57

AF- yes, I think that is what I am going to do. I don't want to confuse things further for DS, and I need to think of myself as well. rightchoice (good name!) yes, I will start planning some nice things to do. And yes, having just read about what a few MNers are dealing with at the moment, thanks to their shitty (D)Ps, I'm feeling more thankful to be out!

OP posts:

AnyFucker · 30/11/2011 22:04

YOu have no reason to feel guilty

You do not have to "make it up to" your ds

you had no choice but to end the relationship with his father

any guilt should be placed squarely at his feet

rightchoice · 30/11/2011 22:30

And that's what you have done, too, made the right choice!! If you start counting your blessings you will start to get stronger, there is not price that can be put on freedom. You have it - wallow in the pleasure of it.

pickgo · 02/12/2011 00:04

Your DS will pick up on your uncertainities about playing happy families all together.
I agree with AF - it is too much to lay yourself open to all the old feelings repeatedly - it certainly can't help with the 'what ifs'.

Children thrive best when their Mums are happy. Yes you have to make sacrifices for your DCs but looking after yourself benefits them too, particularly when you're lp.

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