shocked to discover i may have a problem

[scruffybird]

Popped on here because my marraige has not been to great recently. I looked at the emotional abuse link expecting to find things that dh does and I m shocked to discover that I do a lot of the things on the list to dh!
I must try to change...in shock now. Just goes to show that its not always men that emotionally abuse.

I don't know what to say except well done for realising, confessing and deciding to change and (being nosey) like what?

Controlling finances. Getting suspicious when he is home later than usual. Not keen on him doing things on his own.... bad isn't it

Has he given you any reason to engage in this behaviour, or is it that you are carrying an excess of negative emotional baggage from past events that are preventing you from trusting him?

Has he given you reason to suspect he's up to something or is all this you?

Have always been the one to pay bills, manage money etc. Um.... we went through a bad patch last year, he was acting weird so I started becoming more aware of what he was doing. I suppose the more I look at it I'm not too bad. He does things without us but I prefer family time at weekend because we work all week.

Love, if you were an abuser, you wouldn't think you were one, IYKWIM.

Has HE told you you are? cos they usually always do.

You say that you looked at the list expecting to see things that your DH does... What sort of things were you expecting? What has he done that you thought would mark him out as abusive?

When I was being emotionally abused, I started doing/saying the odd thing to my abuser that would probably be considered emotionally abusive. But frankly, it happened because he drove me to it with his unrelentingly abusive behaviour.

Do you know for sure that he didn't start it?

OP, in an abusive relationship, both partners will usually have neediness issues that will cause them to seek control in some form.

Don't beat yourself up. Do get some individual counseling to get a professional's help in sorting out what may be driving your behaviour, and how you can go about changing it if that is what you wish.

Good luck.

I found the only way to hold my own with my abusive Ex was to use his tactics against him.

I was just about to post what HoudiniHissy said. It's a survival mechanism more than a control issue.