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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Flip

Original poster

Stunned and confused

23 replies

crystaltips · 05/11/2003 18:42

At the beginning of the summer I posted asking for advise as to whether I should contact a friend of mine on the date that her miscarried IVF baby was due ... you advised me to do so .... and I sent her a heartfelt letter saying how I wanted to support her and how brave I thought she was being ( there had never been a "public" outpouring of grief by her).
She replied and said how she appreciated my letter and how she valued me as a friend.
So Far so good.....
About a fortnight ago I found out that she had had an affair and that the "longed for baby" was infact a result of this affair. The pregnancy was terminated and NOT, as I had believed miscarried. Her DH ( who is also a good friend of mine ) was told that the affair was a one night stand - which he believed.
Things got rather messy between this friend and I - for totally unrelated reasons - and as a result she started bad mouthing me for being a disloyal friend.
I confronted her about this and let her know that I knew about the affair and would not dream of betraying her in any capacity.
Since then she has been very cold and her DH has been a TOTAL B*stard to me.
I feel upset and betrayed myself and am not sure what to do ... as quite frankly ... I don't feel that I am in the wrong. Just rather sad and bruised

OP posts:

Twinkie · 05/11/2003 18:45

Message withdrawn

Chinchilla · 05/11/2003 18:46

Aah, the friend in the middle. You would never be able to do the right thing. She has probably told her dh a pack of lies, and is being cold to you to ensure that he never gets to hear the truth from you by mistake. Were the reasons that things got messy between you anything important? Could they be the reason for her coldness?

Original poster

crystaltips · 05/11/2003 19:01

T - We would see them socially ... at parties and so forth ... we have kids in the same class too. At the end of the day I am pleased that he IS supporting his DW - but he doesn't have to be so mean to me.

C - the initial upset was because she was jealous as I was getting friendly with her "best friend". I have to pinch myself and remember that we are grown-ups!!!
When I re-read what I have said - she just sounds like a very unhappy and unstable person.

OP posts:

Chinchilla · 05/11/2003 19:06

Maybe you are better off without her?

Twinkie · 05/11/2003 19:08

Message withdrawn

lucy123 · 05/11/2003 20:03

Oh blimey, what a mess!

I would imagine that she has told her DH some whopper about what you said, or at least, she has twisted what you said as Chinchilla suggests. Nothing you can do about that really - it hurts but it's true.

I'm not sure a confrontation is a good idea though. I've been in a similar-ish situation myself (or at least dp has and I was in the middle) - unresolved, sad to say. But people as insecure as she evidently is tend to build these things up in their minds and there is probably nothing you can say that will make it better. For now anyway. I say best to be pleasant and leave the subject alone and in a few months she will probably realise that you can be trusted after all.

Nasty for you though

Cam · 06/11/2003 09:33

You're being used as a scapegoat, ct, for your "friend" and her dh's problems. How much easier to blame someone else rather than themselves for the mess they are in. You're not in a mess, you have done nothing wrong, but don't bother looking for vindication from them. People this selfish will never see anything from your point of view, only their own. I say move on, make new friends, be polite when you have to be but distant.

Original poster

crystaltips · 06/11/2003 10:03

I guess I am in the situation that the less said the better. I don't want to be brought into this "domestic" any more than I am .... really sticks in my throat though ... as I know that I AM A GOOD PERSON !!!

OP posts:

tigermoth · 06/11/2003 13:30

yes, agree, you are being used as a scapegoat and your friend has probably told her dh some lies about you in the hope of breaking off communication between you.

Least said now, the better. You are in a no win situation and you don't want the badmouthing about you to continue. If so many lies have been told so far, things could get really nasty for you and you will no longer be an observer but will personally suffer.

doormat · 07/11/2003 09:47

crystaltips sorry but they are not friends in the sense if they cannot confide in you.

agree with chinchilla maybe you will be better off without them.

doormat · 07/11/2003 09:50

btw a FRIEND does not LIE

codswallop · 07/11/2003 09:52

do you really think so ?

a friend of mine is lying to me about her affair and I think she has her own reasons and am just carrying on as if I didnt know..

Original poster

crystaltips · 07/11/2003 10:33

codswallop ... I'd rather have not found out .... ignorance can sometimes be bliss!
Now that I have discovered her sordid secrets, I am the one who seems to be getting sleepless nights.
It's not that she had an affair that bothers me ... we can all give way to temptation ( well not all of us - but it is easier to understand )
But to terminate a pregnancy, for a much wanted baby ( without being too insensitive, it's her DH who cannot father a child ) - pretending that it's a miscarriage .... and her poor poor DH is going along with it. What must his life be like at the moment. I truthfully just want to give him a hug and say that it'll be OK .... he's a decent bloke and is being treated like sh*t .... and at the end of it all my "friend" is being treated with sympathy by all and sundry ....

OP posts:

codswallop · 07/11/2003 10:35

I think you just have to move on and remove them from your life if you arent sleeping

Thats whY ia m not getting involved...

doormat · 07/11/2003 10:38

yes I do coddy
a friend is someone who you can confide in
and tell it straight and vice versa without taking offence.
a friend has your best interests at heart

codswallop · 07/11/2003 10:39

do you think I have her best interests at heart By pretending I dont know about the affiar?

Original poster

crystaltips · 07/11/2003 10:42

coddy .... mmmm good one .... my view is that when all is said and done ... look after number one first ... and if she REALLY wanted to talk about it - she'd let you know ...
Some things are best left unsaid. You don't want to get into the situation where you are covering for her and being her alibi ....

OP posts:

codswallop · 07/11/2003 10:43

yes and I keep catching her "at it" well on her way to assignations

codswallop · 07/11/2003 10:43

I have hijacked ,

doormat · 07/11/2003 10:48

coddy I think you should let her know that you know.
Afterall she could be using you as her "alibi" without your knowledge.
You could give her the pros and cons too.
But I wouldnt cover up for her.

codswallop · 07/11/2003 10:50

really? Oh no....
I think she knows I know but is avoiding the subject.

doormat · 07/11/2003 10:55

coddy my friend had an affair too and she told me that she had feelings for this man before it started.I just gave her the pros and cons and told her it was her life and as long as she was happy I was.I would support her in anything she did except lie to her dh for her. She understood and respected that.

Original poster

crystaltips · 07/11/2003 14:17

Just come back ... you are not hijacking at all ... It's all rather hard isn't it ... coddy - have you decided what you are going to do ?

OP posts:

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