am I overreacting

[sweetpea36]

Can anyone help, I've been reading the emotional abuse thread for about 2 hours now trying to decide if this applies to me and can't decide if I'm overreacting.
I'm 3 months pregnant and just don't feel like my hb is looking after me at all. He gets upset and angry with me and goes in moods with me for things like: watching tv for an hour, sitting and reading a book, going to bed early. He claims I'm ignoring him. He got angry with me the other night because I made myself something to eat before he got home, as I was going out to a regular practice that I go to at the same time every week. Normally he isn't home in time to eat with me so I assumed things were the same as normal. When I try and tell him he's being unreasonable and that I just need to rest/eat/sleep/relax etc he just says that 'we're just different' and I don't care about things being 'special' or making things nice or exciting, which is just totally untrue! I do loads of cooking nice dinners etc but I just can't do it every single night, especially when we're both busy. He accuses me of being harsh and critical which is just the opposite of my actual personality - I'm usually too forgiving and will do anything to avoid a fight, but he gets me really upset. If I try and tell him how I feel he starts swearing at me and saying he's not going to listen to me shouting at him, even when I think I'm just talking calmly. Then when I start to get angry and upset he becomes really calm and starts asking why we can't just be nice to each other!
This probably doesn't make any sense and is far too long, I don't know if it's him or just me being oversensitive (he says I'm very sensitive and can't deal with anyone being angry with me). This happened before I got pregnant actually but I just feel like I can't deal with it now and it isn't fair on me or the baby. I can't concentrate on work or anything and don't really know what to do.

It's definitely not you! If you try to make absolutely everything 'special', then it stops being 'special' because it's all th3 same then.

He sounds like he wants ALL your attention ALL the time.

What is he like when you are both with other people? Does he get get upset if you pay attention to other people? Does he try to be extra nice so that people like him 'more' than you? Does he get upset if you want to spend time with other people without him?

His primary motive is probably not to stress you out but to draw attention back to himself, by whatever means possible. The fact that he is stressing you out probably wouldn't bother him though if he realised it. It's a triviality to him.

I get the impression that he is pathologically selfish and your new status as a pregnant woman is deeply inconvenient to him as everything isn't centered around him any more.

He's irritated that normal service has been interrupted and he wants it to resume as soon as possible. ie him to be the centre of the universe.

No, he's very cheerful and the life and soul of the party, and lately the proud and excited dad to be, when other people are with us. Although one of my friends did comment that he kept interrupting me whenever I was talking and taking over the conversation. He does do this a lot, it really gets on my nerves. But if I try and tell him I don't like it, I get accused of being critical again...
I'm not sure what I'm supposed to do about all this now. I'm pregnant and a full time mature student (gone back to uni for a career change) so can't really just walk out and go and live on the street...my family all live miles away. I just want him to support me and look after me a bit, but I don't know how to make him see sense! I honestly don't think he knows what he's doing. He thinks he's trying really hard.

An update - we had a big talk last night, I told him I felt I was walking around on eggshells and on edge all the time he was at home. It was a really long conversation, but to summarise he started off saying it was me being oversensitive but I just refused to accept it and calmly told him that it wasn't me and that he was making me unhappy with unreasonable demands. He eventually admitted he can be controlling and difficult and says he will try harder not to, but wants me to react less if he gets upset about something unreasonable and just point it out to him more gently rather than immediately getting furious. So I said I will try but explained it's not that easy when I feel unfairly attacked! We've agreed we'll give it a few months and then try and go to counselling if things don't get better because we don't want to be living with all this tension when there's a baby.
I still feel a bit depressed by it all and that I don't really trust he'll change, but we'll see. I'm totally convinced now that it's not me, not that I'm perfect by any means, but I don't believe that my faults include over-reacting and being harsh and critical.

Well done for having the conversation, but you are right to be skeptical. He's asking YOU to be the overly calm one and not get upset when HE gets unreasonable.... rather an unreasonable request, isn't it?????!!!!!

I'm totally convinced now that it's not me, not that I'm perfect by any means, but I don't believe that my faults include over-reacting and being harsh and critical.

Hold on to that thought over your next months of "trying".

If you do go to counselling, go individually; not couples' counselling.

Do : a) talk to your midwife, mine said whilst chatting that it is quite common for abuse to start/become obvious in pregnancy (not that I was that unfortunate); b) talk to your Uni, to see if there is any help they can offer you.

sweetpea - you just need to handle him better.

Most people are controlling they just have different ways of doing it. The husband who intimidates his wife or the wife who continually belittles her husband until there's nothing much left of him.

Sounds to me like he's stressed about having a baby which is incredibly common (first year of baby is the most likely time to split up/get divorced) and being a man will express his nerves in the most inane, unrelated and juvenile way possible.

You have to step up and if you really love him you wont let him get away with being a twat at any time in your relationship. Nobody is perfect, i'm sure you have manners that get him down.

Right HOW to manage him: you need to dramatically change your behaviour right at the point where he kicks off. do something he could never expect from you.
Be super assertive and just simply say what it is you need to do, that you have done it consistently now for x no. of weeks and that if there is some grievance he has he must bring it up with you at a more convenient time. Or take the piss by suggesting you miss your class so that you can make him a special dinner and you could eat it together holding hands.

Never feel ashamed to act selfishly...its an important quality that many mothers forget to impart to their children (esp. if they have daughters).

He's not an abuser...do not be fooled by the bitter witches on this site that he spends his entire time plotting to drag you into his pit of loneliness and despair because he isnt. He's just being a dick. Show him it will not be tolerated at any point. I note that women never get called abusive when they slump into 'fat arse despair' and basically turn into needy, aggressive little bitches....no, they're just having a hard time.