I just need to have a little rant about my friend so that I'm not seething

[YesIABU]

I don't want to say it to anyone we know and I don't want to cause friction with her because I know I am being silly, I just need to vent.

So I am on benefits, single mum, two preschoolers.

Friend is a teacher, currently working one full day a week, plus ad hoc tuition and supply work.

She uses a cm for the regular one day work she does and I have her dc for the extras. I'm happy to do this, our dc get on well, a couple of extra children isn't that much more work. I don't want to be paid for having her children for her, it's what friends are for, and I'd feel really awkward if she tried to offer me money.

But recently her supply work has been a lot more regular (at least one day a week) and she keeps going on about how much money she is earning and how she'll have all this cash for xmas, and how she'll be able to do xyz and a little bitter voice keeps surfacing and saying that she is earning all this extra money because I'm looking after her children, and yet I'm struggling and can't always afford to buy my children what they need let alone what they want.

(told you I was being silly)

I think it is worse because she has a few times recently told me I am being mean over what I've bought my children for birthdays and Christmas or for turning down days out because it's too expensive.

It's not totally one sided, when we go places together (within town) she always drives and doesn't charge me petrol and we have lunch at hers probably twice a month. I think it's just the green eyed monster.

I know it's not easy and it might affect your tax credits etc - but if you could find part-time work on the days she doesn't work, she could reciprocate with some childcare for you? Then you'd have some extra money and maybe not feel so hard done-to.

FWIW I completely get where you are coming from and I don't think you are being silly either... BUT its very tricky isn't.. arghh jeeze I wouldn't be that happy but I'm not sure what I'd do about it.

If I was her, I'd almost certainly offer you something per hour now that the hours are increasing and insist you took it...but she clearly isn't doing that..

Sorry no wise words but you have my sympathy... she is taking the piss a bit tbh

I've been looking for work for months

She used to have a reciprocal arrangement like that with another friend but the other friend had to stop it because friendA would always prioritise supply work so if she got offered supply on a day she was meant to have friendB's child she'd leave friend B in the lurch.

I think I just feel like she's being tactless telling me how much she's earning all the time...I can understand a certain level of 'yay money!' but it's every time I see her. And even more tactless to tell me I am mean for not spending more on my dc.

I don't think YABU. I have friend who works, and DD goes to after school club but sometimes I have her to help out. This is on odd occasions and she usually gets me a box of chocs/bottle of wine for doing so.

I think if this happens quite regularly she should offer you something, I realise that legally she can't pay you (I don't think) but something would be good.

Can you have someone elses child on occasion & casually say 'oh look what X has bought me for looking after her DC, how kind' or something like that

I think you should tell a mutual friend so that she can tell her instead of you how you are feeling. Then she can get you a lovely expensive Christmas pressie and you will feel much better

I don't think you're being silly. She's being pretty rude by criticising what you buy for your children - perhaps it's time for the old MN faithful "do you realise how rude that sounded?" type of comment.

Also if the extra time you're minding her dc is becoming regular, it really isn't fair on you. It's one thing to do a bit here and there, but she shouldn't be using you as free childcare routinely and then having the nerve to have a pop at you.

I had another child today and she was there when her mum asked if I could and said she'd pay me...don't think anything connected though!

You are not being mean. She is being thoughtless and insensitive and you are doing her a huge favour and saving her alot of money. Favours are fine if they are really appreciated but it doesn't sound much as if they are in your circumstances. She doesn't realise how lucky she is does she?

Could you register with OfSted and become a proper child minder? It sounds like you're doing a pretty good job already!

You ANBU, but isn't it against the law to accept payment for childminding if you are not a registered child minder? So even if she DID offer to pay, you'd be breaking the law.

Can you register as a CM and then if anyone did offer payment when you have their child, it would be above board?

I do think she's being insensitive and needs some lessons in tact and diplomacy! I agree with the poster above who said you should say 'did you mean to sound so rude?' next time she has a go at you. Oh, and maybe stop being available to help her out?!

I think registering as a Childminder would be a very good idea. Check with your council what you would need to do. You would be able to be at your with your DC and earn money at the same time. It would also give you a good excuse to professionalise the relationship with your friend, or stop it entirely because TBH ad hoc days won't be possible to accommodate if you become full.

Hmm - I know this isn't an AIBU, but I don't think you are.

She must be aware of your situation and it seems crass and insensitive of her to be commenting on what you buy your DC and how much money she has. It doesn't take much thought on her part to realise that you are saving her a heck of a lot of cash.

If you were my friend and wouldn't accept cash for looking after the DC I would be doing more than just drive and give you lunch occasionally I would be trying to find ways of giving you and your dc some pretty hefty gifts, even if it had to be done by stealth. I also hope I would be grateful enough to be more considerate of your feelings.