Do you think I'm worrying about nothing, or something?

[ayaybabooshka]

Namechanger. I just want opinions on whether I'm being silly about this or not!

Have been with a new man for about 6 months now. It all seems to be going pretty well. We have been gradually spending more time together, he has recently met my ds and they seem to have hit it off, met my friends etc etc. We have started to talk in general terms about long-term stuff. He says he loves me, and I feel the same. We have had some issues with my xh - he and I maintain a reasonably good r'ship and bf finds this very hard (and have rowed about it) but that's been our only real sticking point.

Last Friday he had been out for a leaving do after work and came over to mine afterwards a little bit, ahem, the worse for wear. He came in (ds wasn't there btw) and was very affectionate, telling me how much he loved me, how proud he was of me, how amazing I was, how lucky he was to have me etc. Wanted to spend the rest of his life with me etc etc.

And then he started saying how he was such a bastard and he didn't deserve me, telling me that he was 'a total c**t' and 'always had been'. I asked him what he meant but he wouldn't/couldn't elaborate. So I ignored, tbh. He denied all knowledge the next day.

But it's been playing on my mind. Because surely if I'm going to believe all the nice stuff he says (even when he's drunk) then I have to believe the bad stuff as well? I am a great believer in the MN adage of 'when a man tells you what he's like, listen' - but does that still count if they're in their cups?!

Do you think this is just drunk man stuff? It's just bugging me. He's telling me he's always been a bastard. Should I listen? Or am I WAY overthinking this?

I don't think you can overthink when it comes to affairs of the heart.

Don't know what you mean by in their cups though.

Make him listen to what you say. He might not remember saying it but you know you heasrd it and you deserve an explanation.

Maybe he hoped that as he had given you some compliments and expressed his enthusiasm for being with you that you would do the same. Was he hoping you would say "Oh no you are lovely you've never been cunty with me" and for you to argue against him?

Or do you think there is something dark he hasn't told you yet?
Most people tell their truth when drunk, they lose their inhibitions.

I would consider it deeply suspect.

Maybe he has underlying self-hatred? Morbid drunk? Maybe he's done something he feels guilty about?

I'd be tempted to ply him with alcohol again and see what else he comes out with . But I guess he's not a scienec project.

Well, that's what's worrying me, exactly, LWH. The truth-telling aspect.

I don't think there's anything he's not told me but - you never know, do you?

I did say 'I don't think you're a bastard' etc but he was pretty insistent that he was capable of being a complete arsehole. I don't know what to think!

I mean, we've got mildly pissed together before and he's not been like this. He was pretty drunk though...

(in his cups just means pissed, FAB, sorry!)

Well you've only been together 6 months, there's plenty he might not have told you.

Oh blimey, so the general consensus so far is not good

So should I ask him again? (rofl at science project)

Have to go and pick ds up now, will be back later, thanks for replies so far.

Don't forget that sufficient alcohol can lead to feelings of anxiety and depression. I used to have a girlfriend who had very low self esteem and came out with this kind of stuff on the rare occasions when she had too much to drink. In this state she used to blame herself for the failure of her previous relationships. From what I know of those relationships, both from her and from other sources, and from our own relationship I completely disagree with her self assessment.

So, based on personal experience, in the absence of any other evidence to suggest that he has always been a bastard I would tend to disregard this.

Either he really is a bastard or he has ishoos, since he's saying he's a bastard. Which may also be hard for you to deal with.

I would think that he got off with someone at the leaving do. Seems pretty obvious to me.

Oh I don't really agree that drunks tell the truth. I spout a load of shite when I'm pissed, especially if I am feeling a bit maudlin.

Unless there's something that makes you think he's a wanker, I'd disregard this, but if there's other signs, too, maybe you should have a think.

Well firstly, yes it would bother me. He is suggesting a past.

From what you are saying. I'm hedging on jealous and controlling. From my point of view, you are only 6 months in. Yet he has been causing rows over your ex the father of your dc. That's not good and infact suggests everything is far from going fine.

I presuming your exh is dcs father? Great you have such a great relationship, don't let some fuckwit ruin that for your dc sake.

In your situation, if he was causing rows over me being good friends with my child's father. I wouldn't have introduced him to dcs and got shot before now. As its a huge red flag, not to mention stupid and childish where dcs are involved.

i agree with sternface- sounds like he copped off that night to me

Well, I wouldn't say I have a 'great' relationship with ds's dad, but we try to keep things civil and communicative... We're not good friends. In fact I think he's a knob most of the time tbh, but I keep that out of the equation! We've just accepted the fact that we are both ds's parents and try to rub along as well as possible - that's what I meant by 'reasonably good'.

It didn't occur to me for one second that he might have 'copped off' at the leaving do. Hmmm.

I had my heart pretty much smashed in recent years, for the first time in about 20 years. He said stuff like this when he was drunk, all the time. And guess what? He wasn't lying. He was a complete and utter cunt. I just thought I could change him didn't listen.

OK. So, given that the overwhelming response has been 'he's telling the truth', what do I do now? Dump him on the grounds that once, when drunk, he told me he was a bastard?

I must admit I thought you'd all say 'oh fgs, he was drunk'. I guess I am even worse at this relationship stuff than I thought.

He might have been talking drunken shite. But there just seems to be more to it somehow.

My gut reaction to this? He cares about you but will still be the c**t he describes himself to be.

And guess what? He warned you so he can say it's your fault you're still there because he did tell you.

I'd find out more. Any exes you can contact?

No, no exes winky. His only significant ex lives in NZ; they split 3 years ago, seems amicable enough.

It's really interesting reading everyone's replies - I do appreciate the different perspectives. I also understand the reservations re our (one) row over ds's dad. I told him he was being totally unreasonable, he apologised, we talked at length, it's done.

Ok he's been very unresonable about your cordial relationship with DSs dad. I know its own ONE row but its still a red flag to me as you've only been together 6 months.

Now he's telling you he's c**t etc after drinking....

hmmm ex was controlling and jealous and forever accusing me of having other men and it got worse... all the while having various liasons himself.

I'd be running tbh