Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Flip

Original poster

Anybody else who has cut ties with their family feeling a bit down in the dumps as they approach another christmas

23 replies

Get0rf · 29/11/2011 17:23

This will be the third christmas without my mum. I have not spoken to her since 2008 when I had just had it. I wrote her a letter this year to try and spell everything out about how I feel (in a nutshell she left me with my abusive gran whilst she buggered about, got to meet her when I was 17, tried tried tried to have a relationship with her through my early adulthood but she was so horrible I gave up). It was ignored (not that I expected anything else).

My dd is 16 just before Christmas and I am upset (for me and her) that we can't all be together. I don't think that I will ever speak to my mother again but I just yearn for a normal family and a mother.

I have had a really funny year (very ill twice, in and out of hospital all year, got a very severe ongoing condition which gets me down) and it would have been good to have a mother who cared. DD was also in hospital with appendicitis. She knew about all of this and didn't get in touch, or visit dd.

I have tried to have dd mainatin a relationship with my mother, however it has been a one way street (my mother refuses to travel, so my dd has to trail down to Devon on the train, also my mother never calls dd and leaves it for dd to contact her) and now it is fading away. I just feel so sorry for dd as well.

Oh I don't bloody know, am just having a moan. Nothing will change. It is just a strange time of year for me, and I know lots of mners have cut ties with their families, and just wondering how they get through.

Thanks for reading epic post.

OP posts:

jollyboysmum · 29/11/2011 17:54

This might not be want you want to hear, but you are both better of without your mother. You will never change her poor behaviour, lack of consideration and lack of empathy for her own flesh and blood. If she was more involved in your life she will probably annoy and upset you even more. You will be kinder to your dd by not including your mother, as the toxic fall out could affect your dd too. Sorry if this is negative but I wish I didn't have to see my mother at Christmas!

Original poster

Get0rf · 29/11/2011 18:01

Thanks jollyboys. I know what you are saying is true - I just have stupid fantasies that it will all come good in the end, like a Danielle Steel TV mini series. I know it won't though. I just feel so sorry for dd, really, what a crappy family. Luckily DP's family are like the Waltons, so we are very lucky on that side, so shoudl count my blessings really.

OP posts:

misshavingamother · 29/11/2011 18:37

I too always feel down in the dumps at christmas time at not having my mum in my life. I have tried over the years to maintain a relationship but she's just not bothered.

Even when I was diagnosed with cancer three years ago at christmas, she still showed no interest. I two little DC's who regularly ask me about their "gran".

You are lucky you have your DP's family, my DP's are unfortuntely deceased.

Make the most of what you do have.

Original poster

Get0rf · 29/11/2011 18:40

Oh I am so sorry miss - that must have been especially hurtful to have been diagnosed with cancer and not have your mum care.

I should count my blessings. Just feel very glum.

OP posts:

LineRunnerSaturnalia · 29/11/2011 18:46

Another one here.

But I know that I cannot have her in my life or my DCs life any more. It's just too ... difficult.

You can have yourself a merry little Christmas, regardless!

FiftyFootQueenie · 30/11/2011 00:08

I'm another one in this situation. It is difficult at Christmas with all the emphasis on spending time with family. I cut myself off from my family 6 years ago, although my mum died when I was very young so I've always found Christmas hard to deal with.

I know if I was in contact with my family my self-esteem would still be rock bottom and I wouldn't be able to maintain a positive view of myself in the face of their negativity.

I'm lucky in that DP's family are lovely so we spend the day with them, and he makes a fuss of me as he knows how I feel about Christmas.

You might not have the relationship you want with your mother, but I'll bet you work hard at making sure you have a good relationship with your DD, so try and keep your chin up :)

itsalladirtylie · 30/11/2011 01:35

getorf I've had no contact with my mother for about 8 years...no big deal, my choice, my life is much easier without her in it.
Dont look back, look forward, focus on the family and friends who enhance your life:)

Earthymama · 30/11/2011 02:39

I just wrote a long post but it was too revealing of stuff that is not mine to share.
So I'll just send some cwtches and say that you are right to feel sad but your persona on MN seems to show you have done ok, lovely girl.
Wish I had a magic wand sometimes x

Sloobreeus · 30/11/2011 02:48

My parents are both dead, I have no contact with my son and only sporadically see/get texts from my elder daughter. My younger DD is with me, though. I keep any sad feelings under wraps and quietly drink a toast to them both. Younger DD(17) and I have a big breakfast and a huge, late lunch. She goes off to her father on 27th. This year I will be packing as we move early in the new year. Itsall is right - focus on who is here and look forward.

HarlotOTara · 30/11/2011 07:32

Me too - I do have contact with my mum but because she still lives with my abusive (to me) father, Our relationships is difficult and she was a cow to me when I was young. I do find it difficult that she chooses to live with a man who sexually abused his own daughter. I understand that this is not uncommon in dysfuntional families like mine . I find it very hard knowing I really have no family apart from my DH and DDs especially at times like Christmas.

Ilovepigs · 30/11/2011 08:53

I feel exactly the same. I have been estranged from my mum and one of my sisters for over 3 years. They disowned me. This also seems to apply to my dcs even though previously they had been very close.

My mum now comes over once a year to bring dcs xmas presents-a very akward visit as she pretty much ignores me and talks to my dcs. Well tbf she actually only really talks to my eldest ds as the other two hardly know who she is.

Its difficult as for my dcs sake I would like to try and remain in a relationship with her but she is so stubborn-we both are-but I struggle even more now to understand her behaviour when I was a child now that I have dcs of my own.

I shall just accept that yes it is sad but I have to try and carry on with my life regardless.

itsalladirtylie · 30/11/2011 21:27

Ilovepigs, I was disowned too, hey ho
then after a reconciliation found I was better off when cast out.
Since reading others experiences of estrangement from family members (mothers in particular) I dont feel such an oddity!

anothermum92 · 30/11/2011 21:35

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

itsalladirtylie · 30/11/2011 22:30

well, to be frank I bloody hate christmas and I'm delighted that I'm free to ignore it

CleopatrasAsp · 01/12/2011 03:46

I am estranged from my mother, and nearly all her family, my stepfather and my sibling (my father lives abroad). If I'm really honest it is a complete relief and I enjoy Christmas much, much more now. I have built a new life with my lovely DH and his completely functional and loving family and our fab group of friends and I finally feel I can do what I like when I like without any pressure from people who just want to take, take, take all the time and never give anything but trouble in return. Life is what you make of it in the end, you have to let go of the crap and embrace things you enjoy, spoil yourself and surround yourself with people who do love you. I don't mean to sound like a Pollyanna, it was a long hard road for me to get here but I did and you can live a happy life after family estrangement - even at Christmas .

BerthaTheBogBurglar · 01/12/2011 09:28

This will be my second Christmas without my parents. Everytime I remember a huge crosses my face and I have to resist the urge to skip about (unless I'm home of course, then I skip).

I'm getting through by looking upon not seeing them as a huuuge Christmas present to myself. [skips]

itsalladirtylie · 01/12/2011 18:00

Cleo you sound absolutely NOTHING like pollyanna

itsalladirtylie · 01/12/2011 18:01

and 'yeehaar' bertha !

gobbycow · 01/12/2011 18:55

I am another one. I always feel better though when I remember the reality of Christmas with those dreadful people, and the sheer bloody hard work.

I would work till late, usually gone midnight on Christmas eve, and the be up at whatever time the kids were awake...so early. Then I would cook, wsh up, look after everyone..they always came to my home...why? I guess because everything was provided for them. They should have gone to a hotel instead.

The worst year there were thirteen to cater for....with minimal help...it was shit. And Millenium eve, I got back from work a few moments off midnight, and parked up on a bridge, knowing my house was full of these freaks. I sat there for a good half hour, watching the fireworks, and just not wanting to go "home". :(

And when I finally did go in, it was sooooo depressing. I have a video of it, of before I got home....Glad I went to work.

And this year, no H either. Just me and my dc's....different, but LOT'S and LOT'S of love. No eggshells, no favourites, no scapegoats, no weird shit, no arguments. We'll do pressies...have bacon butties...and WATCH TELLY!!!! MWAH HA HA HA HA!!!!!! Without feeling guilty! And not have a "variety" of meat to choose from because of somebody or other's farking "eating disorder"!

OOOOOH. I just sold that to myself rather well! :)

gobbycow · 01/12/2011 18:58

That was a bit mean...the eating disorder thing. They do all have a VERY strange relationship with food...all of them, probably because of the sever dysfunction in the system.....but this year, I am not responsible for it.

gobbycow · 01/12/2011 18:59

....and don't have to tell them how many "points" are in everything.

ReindeerBollocks · 01/12/2011 23:14

I have a few family members which I no longer see. Whilst it originally saddened me, I made the bonds with other family members and friends stronger.

Occasionally (and not really at Christmas) I will wonder what they are up to and get pangs of guilt but nevertheless I know I have people in my life who are worth my time and effort. The parental link should be strong, but when it's not the bonds you have with others can be, in some respects, better and most importantly, filled with love.

I know what I'm trying to say here but I doubt if anyone else will .

BumptiousandBustly · 02/12/2011 08:50

Its my first christmas since going No contact - and I am also struggling with it - but ultimatly I am much happier now, and its also very much the right thing for DH and the DCs. I do agree though about grieving for the family you want them to be (rather than actually missing the people they are).

I think its a grieving process - its been about six months now and its getting easier all the time.

Flip