Help, really need others' opinions on advice I have given to my friend

[Jux]

She's been with her partner for the best part of 15 years, and was dx with ms about 10 years ago. Up until then she'd been working and assumed she would continue to work, like you do, so she had wracked up debt like a lot of us did in those halcyon days.

When she was dx she was told to stop working as she was in a terrible state and hasn't worked since. She tried to pay off the debt but living on DLA isn't easy. Her partner had money - substantial amounts of it and LOATHES debt. My friend was too scared to tell her partner she had "so much" debt so secretly arranged with a credit agency to get it sorted into small monthly amounts which she could just about manage.

Now she's received a substantial inheritance and can pay it all off, but her partner will want to know what has happened to the missing amount so she is going to have to 'fess up.

She is terrified her partner will dump her as she has been dishonest with her for so long.

I said she really had very little option but to gird her loins and be completely honest about it. Admit her fault and take it on the chin. There's little doubt that her partner will be shocked at the very least.

The trouble is that I have only met her partner once so hardly know her. I haven't even known my friend for that long. She is terrified of coming clean and what the consequences might be.

She told me that the two other people she's told were all "oh you poor thing, how awful for you to be living with that hanging over you" etc, and I'm wondering if I made a mistake in giving her rather a hard line.

If it all goes horribly wrong then I know I'm going to feel partially responsible.

Some of these credit agencies are absolute rip-off merchants and, for starters, I suggest your friend doesn't rush to pay off the debt as negotiations can usually secure a hefty discount if a lump sum payment clears the balance outstanding.

If there's some years left before the loan is fully paid, I would suggest she begins negotiations with an offer of 10% of the outstanding sum to settle the debt in its entirety - naturally, she needs to be circumspect about her improved circumstances. I would suggest she tells the credit company that a relative may be willing to settle the debt for her, which is unlikely to be too far from the truth given that she has most probaly received her inheritance from a member of her family.

Similarly, unless your friend and her dp have jointly pooled their finances/resourcces, I see no reason why she should divulge the exact amount of her substantial inheritance unless she's already told her dp and is planning to give her half of it.

That said, I would have hoped that any partner worthy of the name would be horrified to think that their oh had be struggling with secret debt and would be more than understanding - and particularly so if the oh had been in a postion to alleviate their dp's financial hardship.

Thanks Izzy. She does intend to negotiate on the sums owed and thinks she'll get them down at least half, but I'll suggest she starts at 10%.

Her partner knew the sum she inherited and said that she needed to hand it over to their (brilliant) financial advisor in order to get it working or something. She will wonder where the debt sum has gone if my friend doesn''t tell her.

I agree that her partner will probably be horrified that she could have helped out but didn't have the opportunity, but my friend is worried that all trust will have been lost between them and that will be the end of it. Her partner is not one for words, but from her actions there is no doubt she loves my friend very deeply, so I suspect that she will forgive if my friend tells her now and is completely honest (a phrase from my childhood springs to mind - with contrite heart).

I'm sure you're friend will find that her fears are unfounded especially if she confesses all in, as you've suggested, the spirit of contrition.

To me, this wouldn't be an issue of trust as such other than I would feel regret that any partner of mine didn't trust me enough to tell me that they were having financial problems.

I'm sure you're Wtf! Should be your! It's been a long day - time for bed, methinks.

On one hand, your friend has kept secrets from her DP. If i was her DP, I would feel sad and disappointed that she had not trusted me enough to tell me.

On the other hand, your friend has shown she is an honest person. Any other person would probably have tried to use their partner's "wealth" to try to get rid of their debt. You friend has taken full responsibility and, even though she was on a benefit, probably went without in order to keep paying her debt. I think this is something that deserves to be admired, especially considering the suffering she must be going through her MS.

Yes, she was very irresponsible some years ago, but IMO she has redeemed herself fully on her own, without burdening anyone else. If her DP is an understanding person, she will probably hug her tight and tell her how proud of her she is. I think that's exactly what I would do.

By the way, I am so happy to hear your friend has received the inheritance and can finally get rid of that debt!

Thank you for your heartening replies. I shall pass on your thoughts, which actually echo my own. It would be too sad if they were to split over this.

Tell your friend that when she begins her negotiations to mention the 'B' word - if her debts were such that she made herself bankrupt and has no assets such as a house that could be sold to repay creditors, they'd be lucky to get 1p in the £ of any outstanding amount owed.

Excellent advice, Izzy, thanks.