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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

I just want to shout and scream at my sister, so upset and angry, need to talk

41 replies

mumfor1sttime · 06/01/2006 15:44

I dont know where to start.

My sister is 6.5yrs younger than me, she has a dd 15 months and a ds 3 yrs.

We used to be so close when we were little, as we have grown up we have gotten less close as we all do. We have 'got on with our lives' so to speak. As I moved out of home, got married and had ds, 11.9 months.

My parents moved 30 miles away from us when my sis was pg with ds. She told me the other day that she felt abandoned and stressed and that my parents had never been there for her.

I must admit that I hate my parents living away from us, but we make the best of it. My sister doesnt make the best of it - she has no home phone and her mobile is either off or she doesnt answer it, Mum can never get hold of her.

I was supposed to pop over to my sisters today to see her (she lives 4 miles from me), I phoned her 20 times and she just let the phone ring. I drive over there and she says 'oh sorry,I am too ill to answer phone'

Dont know what to do, feeling like I need to shake her.
Hope I make sense as I am just wanting to cry.

OP posts:

Original poster

mumfor1sttime · 06/01/2006 16:15

Thats ok sleepyjess. I am now cleaning rusks off the sofa!

OP posts:

SleepyJess · 06/01/2006 16:16

My dad sounds like your mum! He has prostate cancer and I have every sympathy and do all I can for him.. am happy to.. but I can't get him to venture out of the house and I find his attitude very trying at times even though I know that sounds harsh.

I also know the feeling of wanting to shake your sister.. I often want to shake mine!!

Keeping the lines of communication opens and letting your sister know endlessly that you are there for her and you care are your best bet I would think. Is there any chance of arranging something fun for the two of you to do without the children? Cinema, a fitness class or something?

Original poster

mumfor1sttime · 06/01/2006 16:23

sleepyjess, so glad that there are other people out there who have similar problems!
It is so frustrating isnt it when you just want to help people and encourage people.
I def think I will arrange night out or something, just depends on her partner babysitting.

OP posts:

XmasPud · 06/01/2006 16:42

A night out sounds just what you both could do with - good idea
Think it is about time that me and my sister did the same and bonded a bit more. Life is so short and so easy to take family for granted/allow the hard bits to get in the way of the good bits IYKWIM

Original poster

mumfor1sttime · 06/01/2006 19:43

Totally agree xmaspud. I will try to phone her tomorrow I think and arrange a night out.

Feeling calmer now, families just get you down sometimes dont they.

OP posts:

mumfor1standfinaltime · 31/01/2006 12:32

Still upset over my sister. Am thinking of 'letting it go' and not contacting her, letting her be the one to make the next move.

I popped over to hers, with no appointment! When I got there, I let myself in, and my Nephew was downstairs, 3y. I said 'wheres mummy' he said 'mummy is asleep'
I went upstairs to find her and her dp asleep on their bed. My niece 16m was in her cot awake playing with toys.

I stayed with my Nephew until she woke up. About an hour.

She was surprised to see me when she woke up, and embarrased. She said they hadnt slept much last few days.

I arranged a night out with her and some friends. I told her I would phone her on the day to arrange time for DH to pick her up (he was playing taxi). I phoned all day and her phone was off.

Dh popped in to her house to pick her up, despite not getting through to her on the phone. He was greeted with 'Oh sorry, Im not coming out'

Only glad I wasnt there, think I would have done something Id regret....

Mud · 31/01/2006 12:41

Someone who has clinical depression is not likely to make the first step though. She has obviously been diagnosed with depression and has a stress disorder. You need to ask yourself whether you want to be a sister or even a friend to someone who direly needs your help and support and just your ability to be there for her. Or you could just turn your back as you seem to want to do.

And by the way 4 miles and 30 miles are not huge distances, I do not see why you both feel cut off

mumfor1standfinaltime · 31/01/2006 12:46

Mud, I dont want to cut her out of my life, she is my little Sister and I love her to bits. I feel ike I make all the moves, all the effort. I wonder if she even cares about me. My ds didnt even get a birthday card, she doesnt send cards to any of the family.

I dont feel cut off so much from my family as she does, I have a car, she doesnt drive.

Mud · 31/01/2006 13:05

but isn't it all stemming from her depression?

mszebra · 31/01/2006 13:12

Invite yourself over to hers offering to cook her & family a meal. Tell her you want to test out some special meal for your next DH's birthday/wedding anniversary/nearest convenient date excuse if she tries to balk. Make the meal something very scrummy and watch if she eats it or makes up excuses to not eat it. This will help you know if she's got an eating disorder.

I feel upset about the 3yo being left unsupervised for that long.

mumfor1standfinaltime · 31/01/2006 14:44

Think the hardest thing for me is feeling like I dont even know her. She is like a stranger.
I have been down all day today because of this.

I do not understand PND. I did not have it.
All she said was - I was on ADs. Dont know when or for how long.

Am thinking I may write a letter, or even pop over to see her tomorrow. Am I a fool to myself? Feels like I am.

mumfor1standfinaltime · 31/01/2006 14:46

Mszebra, I cant cook a meal for the family. I can never get in touch with her to organise such a thing.
I have made her lunch at my house a couple of months ago - she did eat it.

getbakainyourjimjams · 31/01/2006 20:53

Take a picnic- turn up with it. My friend did that for me once (not because I was depressed, just because its a nice thing to do).

I'm not sure that you can force her to be happy etc, but I think you can be around.

Agree with zebra- that's a long time for a 3 year old and 15 months old to be unsupervised.

mumfor1standfinaltime · 31/01/2006 22:45

Thanks for listening and for the replies.
I have taken food around to her before. Also have taken things around for the kids, and have given her money as once found her and the kids sitting in the house in their coats as they had no heating.
She did not ask for help.

I am always worried about her and the kids.

Tortington · 31/01/2006 22:53

if your worried about the kids not being cared for then phone social services - or tell her you will.

if you haven't had depression its hard to understand or even explain.

if she is not going out she is probably perpetuating her own depression.

4 miles to a car driver is nothing but on foot with kids and with depression you may as well ask someone to climb mount everest.

it will seem one sided

mumfor1standfinaltime · 10/02/2006 08:23

I had a dream the other day that my sister died and now I think I am on some sort of guilt trip.

I have thought about her non stop.

I am at the end of my tether and dont know what else to do.

Spoke to my Mum the other day on the phone about finding kids alone while she was asleep etc and she said 'oh dear, thats not good. Sorry but all I can think about at the moment is myself and getting better'
(She is going into hospital)

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