feel a bit of a fraud for posting this in relationships and its not THAT big of a deal

[mrsSOAK]

As I put in the title, I feel a bit of a fraud for putting this in at all, and I am not really sure what I hope to acheive (except maybe a slap or two) but it was my birthday at the weekend. I wasn't expecting huge celebrations or anything at all, just a nice family day with my 'D'H and DD, a bit of a lie-in, a walk and maybe a cup of coffee in a nice cafe, nothing extravagant cos I know we are skint and can't afford huge lavish displays of affection. So DD woke up at 6.15 wanting her breakfast. 'D'H just turned over and went back to sleep. I got up with her and we had a lovely couple of hours before I figured it was time to wake him up, we went upstairs and I had said that I didn't want to do cards and presents until everyone was dressed and downstairs, I do this every year. This prompted a big strop from dh because he said I was ungrateful and that he would return my gift to the shop. Then he asked what I wanted to do because the weather was crappy and not really walking weather BUT not to forget that we can't actually afford to do anything. I suggested we go to a local indoor discount shop that has a cafe (not v nice but better than nothing) and then I got a strop from him because its not a nice thing to do on my birthday...
ANYWAY, we go, we have a look round don't really buy much cos we don't really need anything from there and it was just a way of getting out of the house a bit. We go home and he is moody and stroppy. I get on with things and end up doing about 3 bundles of washing so that me and DD have something to do away from him. I ended up having a nap for an hour (which was nice) and when I am woken up he is in a huge strop with DD and me and proceeds to be moody and stroppy for the rest of the day.
I speak to a family member to say thank-you for the gift she sent and she asks about my day - so I fib and tell her it was lovely, I tell her about going to the shop etc... and he is moody when I get off the phone becuase I told her about my birthday - even tho I said it was lovely and made it seem far better than it really was, he seems to think I should have lied or made something up.
I get DD to bed and he realises that I am not v happy. He appologises for being a bit moody and I then realise that i think I have had enough.
He tells me that I am the most important thing in his life ALL the time, but not that important that he can arrange something nice for my birthday or try to be nice on my birthday so I don't feel like I have to walk on eggshells all the time.
I know I am not the easiest of people to live with but I always try and do something nice for his birthday, make a fuss of him (which is not always easy cos DD's birthday is the day after)
Don't really know why I am posting this but there is no-one in RL I can talk to and I just want to let someone know that my birthday wasn't wonderful and exciting as my friends and co-workers seem to think.

Sorry you had a rubbish birthday :( Your husband sounds like an unpleasant piece of work. You don't have to stay with him if you're not happy.

I think your H isn't as nice as you, your friends or your coworkers think.
Sorry your H ruined what could have been lovely day.. FWIW he behaved like knob x

That's not nice. What is his problem? From this little snapshot - it does not sound like he appreciates you. Does he 'run you down'? Make you feel worthless? Nit pick at you?

Happy belated birthday to you Mrs Soak

hi, thank you for your responses.
sometimes I think I am overreacting and blowing things out of proportion, which is one of the reasons why i wanted to post this,

I don't think you are over-reacting, - he sounds really mean and I would be in floods if that was my birthday. Or actually, any day.

Your H strops because you want to wait to open your present, and, like a child, says he will return it to the shop.
He asks you what you want to do, and makes it a perfect double bind (ie: there is no right answer you could have given), - you can't afford anything nice, but the thing you pick isn't nice enough.
He sulks and strops all day, making you feel that you want to 'get away from him'.
He tries to control what you say to your family/friends.

Honey, birthday or not, this man is deeply unpleasant and controlling.

It sounds as you couldn't have done anything right.

Sorry. .

It sounds as if he was determined for some reason that your birthday should be rubbish. A psychologist might dredge up some motivation like he was feeling guilty because you aren't rich so he couldn't treat you to the fantastic birthday you should have had... but frankly, it's more likely that he is just a miserable git.

if you walking on eggshells most or all days then somehting is wrong with your reltionship.

if it was a one off on your birthday - then ask him what is going on.

but if this is just an example of a typical day then think long and hard about what is good about your relationship.

you do have a choice to stay or go. or to do something about it eg relate

oh and i was "the most important thing" to exP he "couldnt live without" me etcetc - there is a point at which that romanticisim passes into a control thing...

which is it with you? romance reciprocated or control?

This sounds miserable, sorry. You should never be asked to lie, the way your H asked you too. The fact you had already put a nice gloss on it, shows you were trying to look on the bright side.
What he could have done is: give you a lie in, been pleasant to you, made breakfast, taken you out for lunch (a cheap cafe or Sandwiches from Sainsbury's somewhere nice, or even he could have made a picnic), you could have gone for a nice walk (thats why God invented Wellys and Cagoules), you could have eaten your picnic in the band stand, he could have taken you somewhere posh for a coffee, he could have cooked dinner, he could have done bedtime, then you could have cuddled on the sofa watching something nice on TV or a DVD. If he'd been really good he could have done lots of "nice surprises" with your DD (eg. cups of tea, washing up done etc.).
Anyway here is and , and a happy birthday.

Actually it is a big deal.

It sounds like he deliberately turned your birthday into an ordeal, with his moods.

It also sounds like this is your 'normal', to have to manage or put up with his moods. If this is correct, it truly isn't normal or acceptable.

MrsSoak - I could have written most of your post. For my birthday, or mother's day, or Boxing Day I would like a lie in, I would like a nice thoughtful card and flowers (ie not petrol station shit) a present would be nice but not essential. I would like to be the focus of the day in a nice way, not primadonna-ish, just acknowledged iyswim.

None of this happened the first year I was with ex so I though, ok, be grown up, don't sulk about what you didn't get, explain how you'd like to be treated and how happy it would make you.

He told me he didn't do that, that I was being demanding and spoilt and should basically take what I was given.

I asked him if he didn't think it was important to do things for a loved one that would make them happy. He said no (this was the point I should have left)

It wasn't until I finally kicked him out 7 years later and found mumsnet that I understood that this behaviour, along with shedloads of other stuff is emotional abuse.

Happy Birthday

What was he in a bad mood about?

Was he feeling bad because he couldn't do anything nice for you because of money?

Sounds an awful lot like an unpleasant ex of mine. I couldn't see how unhappy I was at the time and now I can't believe what I used to put up with as normal. Makes me to remember and am on your behalf. You deserve a nice birthday, money has nowt to do with it.