Not Sure where to being or end - long sorry

[Cazm2]

Bit of a funny one this so bear with me! i am currently 6 weeks pregnant with my first child. had a late miscarriage last year. Been with DH for 15 years married for 5. DH lost his dad approaching 7 years ago. Dh suffers with OCD not in a cleaning way but has to do certain things and spends most of his time anxious or worried.

he has one sister who is 27 lives at home with MIL. Both are extremely demanding of his time. SIL has boyf etc good job plenty of money etc but still demands time from DH and it not gets very stroppy. she works at same company as DH and 2-3 times a week they share lifts as well as going to lunch sometimes. a few weeks ago she got stroppy as DH wasnt returning her text messages cue DH having to go and see her and smooth things over. DH tries to make excuses for her becuase FIL isnt here however i think the time has come that you cant use that excuse after 7 years. she is very moody and stroppy a lot of the time.

MIL is much the same constantly phoning and texting DH she already has demands on baby and what he she should be wearing doing etc etc. she wont ever ask about my pregnancy in fact i cant usually speak as the conversation gets turned around to her in fact most of the time it is about her she will rarely ask about our work etc day to day lives. they both live 10 mins away in hindsight bit mistake when we bought our property

some of the above DH makes worse as he feels responsible for them both so he feels he should be seeing them every day speaking to them on the phone every day. i know i shouldnt dictate how often this happens but it drives me mad he will often be late home from work/gym as he has called in to see MIL even though he spoke to her day before.

i know that i am hormonal but i really dont think i can cope with it once baby arrives. i have put up with so many things with i cant put down or this will be 5 pages long ranging from our wedding to other things. they just both dont seem to understand that when baby arrives they wont be the most important person in DH's life. i know some of it is him but i just not sure how to go from here

sorry for the waffle etc

Yes, it will become intolerable. You already seem to accept you don't come first for your dh - I think you might find he will still be locked into that dynamic with his family even after the baby is born. A baby puts more pressure on a relationship rather than cementing it. You'll need him to put you and the baby first, and unless you deal with this somehow now, you're going to find him still arriving home late, doing what they want rather than what you need.

I think you should deal with this issue now. He could do with counselling/therapy perhaps for his OCD and maybe together you should have relationship counselling, to make sure he's able to set boundaries and get his priorities straight.

Oh dear

I agree with buzz

This situation will get worse once the baby comes, unless your H can step up and realise the family he has at home have to be his priority

I predict some very troubled times ahead for you

Will he agree to some personal counselling ?

we have tried relate for one session but we cant afford to go when they gave us a cost especially for the baby.

i have urged DH to go back to his doctor regarding his OCD, he has been before shortly after FIL died and had some therapy and sessions but didnt really help. i have said i will go with him if it helps.

i have sort of accepted it but we dont have a very good relationship together with his M and S, they rest of the family we see when we can but they dont really want anything to do with MIL as she is very self self self.

we just end up going in circles when its discussed and we argue but i just dont have the energy now especially being pregnant. i came from a very bad background and luckily was put in very good foster home from 12 and my foster parents are now really my parents. i just havent got the patience for all of it.

my baby is so precious and i dont want my baby brought up in a bad relationship. otherwise we tend to get on well.

I say, date the sil's bf.

sorry, I was just trying to make things a bit light hearted. Maybe a religious figure can help set him straight? or a book?

Could you try a bit of 'divide and rule', starting by trying to get SIL on side? Could you attempt to get her onto your wavelength, by involving her in your pregnancy, break the ice a bit and then use her to subtly suggest that DH will have to be more of a Dad than a son in the future?

Also, they have obviously come to depend on your DH and he has stepped up to the mark for them since his DD died, but maybe he should also try detaching a little and being less available, they should be able to cope better on their own by now, but he is facilitating their behaviour by jumping to it when they call.

so sorry I meant DF, was thinking of dear dad and put the wrong initials

i have tried really hard with them both. they are involved and kept in the loop with everything with the baby. although they think they know best.

i am just reaching the end of my thether with it all and especially with my DH as he cant see hes doing anything wrong but constantly running around and worrying about them is just becoming ridculous he feels guilty or bad if he doesnt phone or see his mum for a day i dont think this normal behaviour?

i am starting to dread what is going to happen when the baby arrives to be honest and not sure how to sort this now before he/she arrives

This is something that will not be resolved by joint counselling with Relate or a similar organisation.

If he cannot see that the needs of his dm and dsis should now be secondary to his primary role as husband to you and, in a few months time, father to your dc, your dh will need individual therapy before he can begin to detach from his somewhat toxic family.

You've been generous in keeping his relatives in the loop with your pg, but IMO you should be setting your dh an example and detaching yourself from his dm and sil otherwise there is a danger that they will overwhelm you once your baby arrives, especially as they are already exhibiting a 'they know best' attitude.

Is there any possibility that you can move some considerable distance away or that your dh can find empoyment in a different company to his dsis?

hi izzy i think he does need therapy or counselling but its making him see that. most of the time he moans that that he feels torn and cant do anything right for anyone. i understand but i am starting to think he puts himself in that position and most of the time i and the baby should be first.

of course there are times when things will need going with family etc and i understand but i just dont know where to go from here. i have tried dropping hints but they are completely oblvious.

he could move but he has a very good job and at the moment its just not financially viable. we are looking to move home towards end of next year when baby is born. i am 6 months as well not 6 weeks!!

its such a situation but the only person who ends up stressed is me and it causes rows with us. he doesnt think there is anything wrong with the behaviour and he is so worried about uptsetting them

They are the family of his past, as it were, and you and baby are hisnfamily of the future. It's a stark but simple choice, and doesn't mean he has to totally reject his old family.

Do you know what? I would go to your family for a few weeks to clear your head and gain perspective, to remember what normal is.

It may help him to do the same. He really does need to detach himself and feel how much he needs you and loves you.