Now that's enough....isn't it

[LadyEatsCrispsALot]

I posted a day or two ago in AIBU about DH wanting me to stop my occasional smoking. He basically gave me an ultimatum. Quit or we separate. Initially I dug my heels in and felt he was being controlling but eventually saw his POV ( he just given up too). So Sunday morning I apologised and said yes let's move on. He was happy with his.
Happy days I thought.
Then in the evening he asked me a question while I was reding to which I just shook my head as I didn't know the answer.
He went mad and started shouting saying how shitty I was. I am rude and stroppy and I slag him off and I am an embarrassment to him.
I was shocked. he basically stood there and attacked my character for half an hour. I am horrible. I am never nice to him. I slag him off to his friends (never have)
I know I can be stroppy but I will always apologise and it's not intentional to hurt anyone at all.
He continued ranting saying I was 'scary' . I asked who said I was scary. he wouldn't say but replied "well I find you scary and so does DD(5).
I was really upset by this point as I know she is not.
I got to a place where I was just watching him slag me off and I was thinking.....that's enough now. Just stop. I wasn't even angry. just defeated.
he conveniently forgets he ignores me for days at a time.( I have posted here about ...gas lighting.) But he says his bad behaviour is a reaction to how crap I treat him.
I was crying and he said "don't be a martyr .I am the victim putting up with your shit for five years."
This has happened a few times before and it's always my fault apparently.
I suggested counselling and he replied"you're the one who needs counselling!"
I am at a loss. I know I have faults but how can a husband think that little of his wife.
I seriously considering a divorce. seeing a solicitor tomorrow.
Kids are DD(5) and DS(3) but I rather they in a happy home than have this going on around them.

I should add, I asked him to write down exactly what the problems were with me. He refused as he said it will incriminate him...?? I said it would help as then I can read it and take it in and work on the so called problems.
In truth I know he will just backtrack if I bring up what he said and deny all knowledge of saying such things.....
He did this on my birthday last year too :((

See the solicitor

Get a divorce

This marriage is dead in the water, sorry

Your 2 children are learning some very damaging lessons here

Yep I getting that message. Rather do it sooner than drag it out and we hate each other. It still fairly amicable at times.
apart from when he has his period.....or his "meriod" as my best mate calls it!:))
Sad though as he essentially can be lovely...

tell him to have a fag and forget giving up as can't cope!

A heroin addict once told me cigerattes are the hardest to give up...withdrawal is a nasty trigger and makes the person evil...however if he has been like this all along then he is is just a nasty bastard and ignore the addiction/withdrawal issue!

Each time stbx and I tried to give up together, we had the most awful rows. I remember thinking that it was a choice between my marriage and not smoking, and choosing to light up again,

Still smoking, but one time OH is now stbx!

I beg to differ. Essentially, he isn't at all 'lovely'.

Any 'loveliness' he displays is simply a disguise that he adopts when he's interacting with those he can't afford to let see the 'real' him.

You see the man behind the mask and it's not a pretty sight, is it?

That's interesting Izzy. I have felt so desperate I even broke down in front of his mum last week and told her what was happening
She was lovely and said" it's a bit of a running joke in the family that none ever knows "what DH is doing or thinking".
He doesn't communicate with anyone about feelings and refuses to take any responsibility for his behaviour. Frustrating!

That all sounds very familiar. I used to get ranted at like that by someone who said his bad behaviour was all my fault. Everyone else knew he was abusing me, I thought my life was normal and didn't notice how my self esteem and confidence was plummeting... I put up with it for too, too long. I hope you won't. Men like him need to be left, and left for good.

Sounds as if he may be a sociopath, albeit not a particularly clever or sophisticated manipulator - yet.

Please don't let him practise his dubious skills on you any longer than necessary because the sooner you cease living with him and end this marriage, the better it will be both for you and your dc.

I hope you'll come back with some good news from the solicitor.

I agree with mochan all this sounds far too familiar. I went through this abuse and it wore me down and made me ill.

Sounds like you've had the lightbulb moment, good on you. You and your DC's deserve to be happy!!

Good luck

Don't start attributing this to giving up smoking! Yes, it can have some weird psychological effects but it doesn't turn decent people into nasty bastards. Also- giving up fags harder than giving up heroin? Please! Just think about that for a second...ridiculous.

Also, I think it's pretty telling that he kicked off on your birthday. The chap I was talking about used to mark pretty much any important occasion of mine with a tirade of abuse.

If you are so awful, if he's been "putting up" with you all this time, why hasn't he left by now? You are not in the wrong, HE is. Don't waste any more of your life on him, you deserve better. And he will probably get worse.

EricNorth I did say IF it is not the nicotine withdrawal causing this sudden outburst then it could be the DP is a nasty B! Well I was told that from the horses mouth...an ex addict...not that I know personally how it feels I don't. we all react differently to how things effect us and that is why some of us have different likes/dislikes even addictions!

I was only going by what OP said and yes a withdrawal can cause a change in behaviour short term.

My ex used to do this. He'd stand there & compile a list of all my faults. They were largely nonsensical but I'd no sooner defend myself than he'd moved onto the next thing that was 'wrong' with me. It didn't matter if I was standing there calmly or sobbing. It doesn't get better, in my experience. The list just gets longer & they start to believe their own propaganda. Just get rid, I wish I'd done it sooner.