first xmas as a single parent- a bit scared- anyone else?

[bejeezus]

we've got lovely plans; me and the kids are going away with my parents and sister, BiL and their 2 dcs. we've done it before and all had a great time, particularly the kids getting to spend time all together. But there is going to be a great big daddy-shaped hole for the kids isn't there? and i cant compensate for that

I mean, he was/is a shit and Im glad we arent together anymore. And, he was never active in the festivities, usually just sat reading a book. But dd1 is already asking why daddy cant come with us

how did you manage your first xmas as a single parent? Or how did the kids manage their first daddyless xmas?

I did exactly the same as you the first year after splitting - went to my sister's with parents there too. It was definitely the right thing to do. The DCs had a great time with their cousins, and in a house with 8+ people there's not really time to miss any one person much. tbh I think the daddy-shaped hole was probably more in my head than my DCs.

You do just have to keep fielding the questions on why daddy isn't coming along I think, esp if your DCs are quite young. Telling them that you've split up isn't a one off event, as they won't really know all that it entails until they've seen it happen. Just tell them that now that you don't live together, you don't spend Christmas together - trying not to make it sound either like you wouldn't let him, nor that he refused to come. But tell them he will give them Christmas presents whenever it is that he's seeing them next.

Thanks for the reply roses. I am hoping that the cousins will be distraction enough. I think you are right, with so many people...

And they will see dad when wrong get back

When, not wrong!

People will help, trust me. It is just myself and my daughter on Christmas Day and I am dreading it with all my heart. Also, my daughter wants nothing to do with her father..so that hole is infinite.

Bejeezus - It's never an easy first year, or second come to that.

Make this a year for adventure, make this year about more than one Christmas! With DD, I would tell her that she was having two Christmas dinners, two lots of presents because Santa would leave gifts for her with her Dad, she'd be seeing all of her family, lots of spoiling would be going on etc.

She would go for Christmas eve, Santa had delivered early because he was just so busy, and see all of XP's family and he'd drop her home the same evening, then spend Christmas morning with me, then we'd head off to see Gma and Gpa for Christmas lunch, dressed in our bestest ever party frocks and really going to town!

I really bigged it up, the whole 'you're so lucky' to have 2 Christmas Days!

I know you will all feel desperately unsettled. This is only one Christmas, who's to say what next year may bring for you all.

Just embrace the day and go with your feelings.

Sending strength and love your way. x

great tip on the 2 christmas days!

my first year as a single parent, still going through shit with the split but roll on 2012, want to put this year behind me

Thanks mouse- your right, need to take a deep breath and take this head on and POSITIVE. I sometimes get so paralyzed by worrying about 'what I've done to my kids'. I can only make it ad good ad I can make it huh.

Oh punk I feel for you. Do you have people you can call in on. How old is your dd?

I understand that guilt, bejeezus. My daughter is at least old enough, at 14, not to be all tearful. We have relatives coming a few days later...so we will just move the date. What hurts most is all those cosy romantic adverts all over television. I have already cried so much that maybe I should make a boat and float away over Christmas. Here's hoping that all we newly single gals will be OK...sending thoughts to all....

Couldve written the op. My first yr too, with 3 under 8s. I too am worried about making it enjoyable, the closer it gets the more depressed I feel, same feelings of guilt etc
Christmas is made to be a big family thing and this time of the yr just rubs it in if you are split up. I find going out eg days out/trips to see santa etc realy hard, everyone else is there with both parents and that makes me feel so sad

We need to remember stars that families come in all shapes and sizes. It's SUCH a readjustment...

My thoughts to all as well x

Oh God I remember how horrible I found the first year alone (and the second too to be honest) - things were very acrimonious with my ex and he dropped them back late (10 pm, they were 3 and 5) on Xmas eve having already told them that Father Christmas would not come to my home because he had already come early to his house with their presents (they weren't even allowed to bring their pressies back home with them) - My poor dds were so tired all day they ended up in bed at just after 5 after crying and moaning all day. I spent the evening alone crying in the bath - honestly I have never felt so alone in all my life. I don't have any family, except my nana and was too proud to ask friends for help and just felt I wanted to die with the grief of it all. Honestly makes my blood run cold thinking about it now.

The second year was a mildly less dreadful version of the first and after that things have got much better. I have met someone else, have had another two lovely dcs and expecting another in April. I know its too early to think about this sort of stuff for you but I cannot believe I am the same person and miserable crying girl in the bath...... very lucky

The thing is to really immerse oneself in something on the day - if you are with other children and family it will be busy and if the children ask difficult questions try and just brush them off and carry on - I have often used 'we can talk about that later' and carried on until they mention it again - might be a bit crap but in the past has got me through difficult days. As long as you are not lying or saying something dreadful about the other parent it does children no harm to be palmed off and distracted occasionally.

Best of luck with it all OP, it doesn't matter how much you know a relationship was wrong and you are best off out of it, these times are hard on you and your dc and you do need support of those around you so get through it.

pinky....I am so sorry that you had to go through that. It breaks my heart to think of you in that state, so alone and in pieces. But look at you life now! How wonderful! That gives hope. xx

bejeezus have you read The Power of Now by Eckhaert Tolle? This would be an ideal opportunity to practise living in the moment. You are understandably upset and worried about how it will all be for you and the DC. But right now you are sitting comfortably with a coffee tapping your keyboard and making lists. The DC are practising for their school carol concert and writing letters to Santa.
They will take their cue from you.

When the day comes you will be in it and enjoying the sights sounds and smells of Christmas. Stay in the moment and it will pass painlessly.
What would your ideal Christmas include? Carols at a church service? A lovely breakfast in bed with the kids all in together? A crunchy walk after lunch? This is your chance to design it just for you!

It won't all be sorrow and nostalgia, (and that is allowing your past to steal from your present!) Stay in the moment is my advice.

The 2 Christmases is a good thing to big up. That's what my parents did when my sister and I were little and though I don't remember the first Christmas after they split (apart from that Mum and Dad both got us a toy keyboard and because we had the one from our dad first we had to take the other one back - and I was disappointed because that one was the same as the one my cousin had!) but the two Christmases idea really stuck and it did become a proper celebration, just twice.

I think it's made us a lot more flexible about days etc as well - DP's family seem a lot more rigid and if you don't see every person on Christmas Day itself unless there's good reason they get upset. Whereas I'd be quite happy to miss Christmas day and celebrate it the next day or whatever.

My first one too. At least I won't have to put up with H getting completely drunk and pawing me in front of the dc's who, at 21, 18 and 16 get pretty pissed off with it. I will actually be working both sides of Christmas Day so I think it's fair if they go to him (living back with Mummy) on Boxing Day. However, NOTHING has been mentioned yet. Do I bring the subject up? Or wait for him. We had MIL over last year.

OOooo little house you paint such lovely pictures of christmas. I agree totally with what you say. I have in the past had to tell myself off for being all nostalgic about what has gone or dreaming about what is going to be, instead of appreciating the here and now. I will definitely get that book. the problem with my hear and now is though, stbxh will not move out of the house, so it looks like he is with us until the divorce comes through, maybe february. At least we will be away for Xmas.

I also like the idea of 2 Christmas days, but don't expect stbxh to go to ANY lengths at all for the kids, independantly. I know he will buy them presents but that will probably be it. Maybe fried chicken from a take away for dinner. I was thinking I would create the '2nd Xmas' when we were back for the kids to spend with him. But I think I need to let him do it/ not do it.

feckit I think you need to talk to him about it dont you? if you are expecting him to do childcare so you can work- you dont want to be left in the lurch. Or can you ask frineds to do it?

frineds arent very reliable actually- ask a friend instead!

" I was thinking I would create the '2nd Xmas' when we were back for the kids to spend with him. But I think I need to let him do it/ not do it."

good grief do not arrange his xmas for him!
let him do it (or not)

my first xmas was freedom - freedom from misery and strops etcetc .

tell your DC "we going to ahve a great eim wit the cousins/autnies/etc. tehn you will see dad on xx day later" if they worry about him - say "he is with xx xand xx and you can call/text/skype on the day if you like/if younot too busy"