why do i let him get to me...i am crap

[bardot]

background:

Nearly 2 years ago ex left me and 3 dc for ow declared himself bankrupt and i have been evicted form marital home (in his name only) married for 20 years.
Ex has treated me with utter contempt ever since but just lately had mellowed.

Ex h usually has ds2 on a saturday, but this week we changed it in advance for Sunday as ds had school fayre on sat and I took him to this.

So Sunday comes around. He usually has him around 12ish sometimes 12.30. i sometimes get a text asking if he is ready. Over time he has got later and later...has him about 7 hours on a sat and 1.5 to 2 hours one night in week i dont think it is enough.

By 12.40 no sign and ds is waiting. No text so i phone no reply then i text him to see what's going on.

He finally rings me back and I have a little moan. He tells me he had a problem with his electrics had filler on his hands and couldnt text me...however he had been able to speak with elder son. I tell him i am not interested in what happened i just care about ds2 sat waiting...he is 5. Surely he could have text somehow So the new plan is for ds1 to pick up ds2 and take him to ex where they all go for family meal for fil bday.

I start to say something and he says " i dont have to explain myself to you" and slams the phone down.

I text him saying that it is not about me and i just care about ds2 and that i am not a mind reader and he could have got someone else to text(ow?). Tell him he gets later pickin up ds2 every week and that he is a joke.

He replies apologises as thought ds1 was at home to pass on message to me but he wasnt. Then says "As for the joke comment you are the biggest joke i have ever met"

Once again he has made it personal. I am raising 3dc's on my own, run my own successful business since he left, i have a great family and lots of good close friends and a fab social life. I am a placid person and one of my faults as quoted by ex is that "i am too nice to people" I have been through hell the last 2 years...th eviction being the final straw...but i am still smiling.

He on the other hand is verbally abusive, had loads of affairs while we were together, is crap with money...twice bankrupt...has done nothing to help with dc's since he left has a drink problem and no proper friends. He has a reputation for being loser and everyone thinks what he has done to us is terrible.

So....why do i feel a little knock to my confidence after which i have slowly built back up since the split. he is clearly the joke not me so why do i feel this way.

Maybe in his words "Im too sensitive"

Do you think I was right to moan?

I think you know how well you've coped without him, and how rubbish he is.

He's probablly having a go because he knows he's wrong, attack is the best form of defence an' all that.

This seems like a minor thing in all he's done, don't let him wear you down OP, he sounds like a right tosser my EXP, and yeah, your right to moan, he's crap.

Just to bump he actually added "ha ha ha ha " at the end of his message.

Thankyou chocolate for your kindness.

You are definately not a joke.
I know exactly how u are feeling but be strong....don't let him dictate to you....don't let him walk all over you....
My ds is now 9 and barely wants to see his dad......Like I told him when he left ' what u put in with your ds is what u will get out'...hence he's put bugger all effort in over past 8 years and now my ds can't be bothered with him either! It's sad but I'm done with being the nice person...ive spent years being too nice and yet I'm still treated like I'm the biggest bitch ever, so now I'm no longer mrs nice guy.....
Hope things get better for you tho....xx

You are not crap, you are doing great. He is an arse, but that is why he is an ex. And you are well shot of him.

Next time (and there will be a next time, with idiots like him there always is) try to stay calm. Take a deep breath, post on MN about what an utter utter arse he is then text him.

Try to keep it very neutral. "Please let me know when you will be here to pick up DS".

Nothing more. No recrimination or accusations, as he will respond nastily to them.

If he doesn't arrive at the agreed time, go out.

Why does he only take one child out, btw?

How very mature of him. Disengage!

I feel for you OP, our ex is clearly an immature, selfish manchild.

However, maybe in future, despite provocation, resist the temptation to have any communication that isn't calm and impersonal.
Tell him he gets later pickin up ds2 every week and that he is a joke.

He replies apologises as thought ds1 was at home to pass on message to me but he wasnt. Then says "As for the joke comment you are the biggest joke i have ever met"

Once again he has made it personal.
Umm, no, YOU were the one who started the personal insults. Just don't get drawn into childish insults with him.

Bardot, you are no longer with this man. You need to put all he has done to you in a box and close that box... Every time he turns a conversation into something personal he is showing his own insecurity, not yours. When that happens (and since you have children together you are going to run into him for a long time) you are going to think of that closed box and decide that you are not going to open it again, smile inwardly and be factual only. You can do this. You know you can.

Lots of good replies. He knew he was in the wrong so decided to kick out and hurt you.

It's sounds like you are doing fantastically dealing with DCs, business, etc - don't let him get to you! You sound lovely and he sounds like a right royal twat!

Hi Bardot,
I agree with MmeLindor. Just the facts. You don't need to know any "why" anymore.

I would give him a 30 minute time slot to pick ds up. Do not announce it, just do it. Explain to ds that there is a plan B in place; if his lovely father is 30 min late, then it is time to move on with the schedule of the day. This may result in some disappointment in ds that he didn't get to see his father; but be clear that it is father's fault for not keeping time and not your fault for moving on. The positive lesson is that it is A-ok to set a boundary and maintain self-respect. The lateness is a power play and control tactic.

Sorry, but Tigermoll is right, too, imho. It is not your job to supervise him or lecture him on his behavior, management, etc. Name calling is definitely out. His comment was just tit-for-tat.

And you do have custody of your ears...meaning: you do not have to listen to him! Just because he said something crappy to/about you doesn't mean that you have to re-justify/validate yourself. His opinion has ZERO relevance to your life now. I know that choosing to actively not listen to someone goes against our manners and politeness and 'good girl' identity (whatever label), but it is a self-defense strategy that is all to often used by men when women are talking...so! Title 9=equal rights on that one!

Good luck. If you can put some management protocols in place for dealing with him (not necessarily any that I have suggested ) then I think you can eventually go on automatic pilot when speaking with him...like talking to a telemarketer (well maybe not ).