How do you know when it's over?

[wandymum]

Married for 6 years with 2 children, 3.5 and 2.

I had PND after no.1, a miscarriage 6 months later then no.2 quickly after. It put lots of strain on our relationship. I was very difficult to live with but he didn't deal with it well either.

After counselling and meds, I'm better but things between us aren't. I've suggested relationship counselling but he won't consider it.

I know I haven't lived up to his expectations and fully acknowledge that I have asked for a lot of support from him...but I can't make amends forever. I've been jumping through hoops for months to try and please him but have just realised I don't care what he thinks anymore.

Simultaneously liberating and terrifying.

I'd do anything to avoid any upset to our children so where do I go from here?

Once you reach the point where you don't give a shit what they think any more, you're home free - and you are then free to work out whether they care enough about you for you to consider whether you want to put any effort into giving it another go.

Personally, I don't do 'effort'. Life's too short and 'effort' sounds too much like hard work for me, unless there's going to be an extremely rewarding payoff at the end.

If the spark's gone I'm gone, unless they are able to rekindle a spark of interest in me that will make me look at them through 'new' eyes and be willing to spend time revisting the relationship.

It is liberating but it needn't be terrifying. In relationship terms there shouldn't be any need for us to 'live up to' any expectations that haven't been mutually agreed on, and any such expectatons should be a moveable feast that takes account of changed circumstances and is periodically open to renegotiation.

I suggest that, for the time being, you simply go with your flow. Stop trying to 'make amends' and, regardless of whether they are real or imagined, stop trying to jump through his flaming hoops.

Be yourself; and wait to see whether he begins to interact with you as he once did before you were both burdened with a bucketful of the cares and woes that life tends to throw at us when we least expect it.

I really knew it was over when he wanted to stop going to counselling but nothing had improved.

While I threw him out (my house) and divorced him, I have never really seen it as me being the one to end things. He basically said he didn't value the relationship or my feelings so there was no marriage was there?