Split with partner - please can anyone advise?

[Flotsamflo]

Hi - I will try and be brief with my story.

My P left on Saturday (at my request). I started a post a few weeks ago as partner dropped a bombshell and told me that he no longer loved me. My partner wanted us to stay together for sake of DS (3 years) - after much talking I agreed to keep the family together and that we would make the effort. I posted on mumsnet for any views on whether people can fall back in love.

I believe that over the past few weeks I had given the relationship my all, my P however did nothing. By last Tuesday I had had enough of the moods and sulks and asked him to leave - this he did on Saturday.

I am seriously hoping that I never have to go through the pain of explaining to DS on Saturday that mummy and daddy would no longer be living together. He absolutely broke his little heart and mine along with it.

What I am hoping for are any suggestions on how to deal with his hurt. I can cope with my own pain but to see him so upset just breaks me up. Am not sure how best I can help him? He has had a good day today as my mum has come down and is staying with us for a few days - but I am worried for him.

Thank you so much if you got this far and for any wise mumsnet advise.

I am so sorry, love

I think you have made the right decision though

Re: your son

I think all you can do is do what you have already done

Don't argue in front of him

Don't introduce new partners too soon (I would personally be watching for that very carefully, from your exP)

Keep up contact for your son with exP, but don't stand for any manipulation on his part (should he try)

Your son will be fine

Much better for him, in the long run, to witness a mummy who can stand up for herself, than one who puts a man's cosy pratfall before her own happiness x

Oh bless him :( Keep reassuring him that Daddy and Mummy both love him very much and he will still get to see Daddy lots. Tell him you know he is feeling sad at the moment and it's okay to be sad, and for him to miss Daddy. Maybe let him choose some photos of him to put near his bed, or make into a little book which he can look at if he feels sad. And if your ex is amenable to the suggestion, say he can call him any time he likes, maybe? I only wouldn't suggest this if you think your XP might use it as a way to get to and control you - but it sounds like the split was fairly amicable, as these things go.

I'm sorry to hear about what's happened, it must be really hard :(

Oh yes and everything AF said, I was thinking more short term.

Remember as well not to discuss stuff in front of him, even if you think he's not listening.

Great advice, BB

I am a long-term thinker, me

Thank you anyf - Its early days but I believe I can hold it together in front of him - but when he crys and asks for daddy to come home I just get upset am so worried that I am making him feel worse by seeing mummy upset!

Sadly for me I have been in this situation before - my marriage broke up after 11 years and I bought up my eldest DS and DD as a single parent. When my marriage broke up my eldest DS was 11 years and DD was 9 years - so dealing with their age group was totally different and tbh once they had got over the initial shock they were much happier - 1st husband not much of a dad to them.

But my xP was a very good dad to DS - so I think the impact will be possibly greater.

Just a bit of further background - my elder DS is now 25 years old and my DD is 23 years old. They both did extremly well and have high flying careers (I am so proud of them both :O)) They both live at home and adore their little stepbother - and are happy to do what they can to help him.

so you see, this is a short term issue you can handle wisely

not that it's great this is happening again, but you must have done something right last time !

it's not actually that bad that you are upset in front of a child

they need to see you being human, as long as you back it up with "we will both be here for you"

and "mummy is upset because things didn't work out, but it's not your fault" kind of statements

Thank you guys - for the advice I will take it all on board.

I am a bit concerned that apart from getting upset when DS is upset - I have not actually cried yet. I was with my xP for 9 years and loved him dearly! After following posts on here for many months I am thinking that is it all going to hit me like a ton of bricks at some point soon?

I am normally such an emotional kinda gal and will cry as soon as any of my loved ones are upset. Not sure about this situation - I know I am only on day 2 - but when my marriage broke up I could not stop crying - I averaged about 2 hours sleep each night for weeks (last night I slept for 7 1/2 hours!)
As I said early days I suppose!

yes, early days

or maybe because you have been here before, you know you have made the right decision ?

I don't wish to minimise your feelings, , but from how you sound, you will be fine, and so will ds x

Firstly, your youngest child is presumably the sibling of your elder children, not step sibling.. (they have the same mum!)

Secondly, children are resiliant.. and they soon adapt to new situations. So long as he isnt caught up in arguments and bad atmosphere, he will be absolutely fine. He will also keep you going and keep you busy to take your mind off things, and you have the older kids to talk to about what is going on.

I would say try to avoid talking about it too much in front of your youngest, as even at 3yo, kids can pick up a lot from conversations. So long as he knows he will see his Dad every few days, he will come to terms with it.

I would also say, when he asks where his Daddy is, and why he isnt home, be as cheerful and airy as you can to him.. hard I know, but if he sees you upset, it will upset him but he wont really understand why.

Thank you so much anyf and squeaky thank you both for your advice - feel much better to hear your reassurance about DS. Little DS has not heard any arguments - but definately will remember not to talk in front of him. Thank you again for the help. I will post again for help if I do actually fall to pieces!

I think you will be fine, but you know where we are !

Hi Anyf - thank you for your sentiments.
Took DS to nursery this morning and he was happy to be going and gave me a kiss and cuddle goodbye. I spoke to his room co-ordinator at nursery and explained the situation - I felt upset talking about it - but she told me not to worry that they would keep an eye on him and let his teachers know the situation. That felt like another hurdle dealt with - like I said when you have to talk about the situation and people are kind to you it is upsetting!

Thanks again.

Oh yes

"The kindness of strangers" can sometimes hit you the hardest