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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

There's going up be a showdown

45 replies

witherhills · 27/11/2011 18:13

just found receipts for Friday night for best part of 3k.
I can't ignore this
He was out with clients but there is no way he is going to be able to get this through expenses.
He has this money, and he has recently "given" me a substantial amount, but 3k wasted?
I'm so angry

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 28/11/2011 12:57

I have no respect for men who flash the cash, whether they have it or not

It demonstrates an inadequacy in them, an insecurity, an awful immaturity

I mean...who cares, really ?

Only other equally inadequate people, who are too interested in their own situation to be a good friend worth trying to impress, that is for sure

witherhills · 28/11/2011 13:03

No discussion yet.
Last night became a nightmare for other reasons.

Apparently he feels unloved on a Sunday night Hmm

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 28/11/2011 13:07

just a Sunday then ?

ArtVandelay · 28/11/2011 13:08

Oh goodness. Every Sunday night? Silly man, its the comedown from Friday night on the p*

Its amazing how much more emotionally stable my DH is since he stopped drinking wine every night. Could your DH do a month and see the difference it makes to his outlook?

I really feel for you. He sounds exhausting.

eandz · 28/11/2011 13:12

but why wont work cover these? this is exactly what corporate credit cards are for...why doesn't he have one of those?

witherhills · 28/11/2011 15:04

Yes, specifically on a Sunday because he can feel me resenting him getting back into work mode.
WTF?
What he can feel is his own resentment about another week at work, and me backing off because anything i say is likely to be taken the wrong way. nothing to do with me.
He's now getting annoyed with me because I'm not responding immediately to texts and emails.
I dont have a screen in front of me all day like he does.
I've been up and down the stairs with washing and been cleaning, and my phone has been on charge.
He is in such a bad mood.
Art- I'm sure it would make a hell of a difference if he could stop drinking, but why should he stop doing something he enjoys? Same with overeating.
He complained all weekend about cramp in his calves, direct result of drinking too much, but I don't love him because I didn't have sympathy.
I've told him there is no sympathy for personal drinking, drinking to excess with clients, staying out until 2/3/4/5am
Yes you are tired because you work 5-8 but I think there are other factors too.

He has a corporate card, but as only one person was a client, they would never pay it, theres also a limit per head for drinking and eating.

OP posts:
ArtVandelay · 28/11/2011 16:44

He is a mess :( I can see why you are so angry, its more than just the huge drinking bill.

Fairenuff · 28/11/2011 18:54

he works hard for his money after all Hmm

Don't we all?

Why is it his money. I am guessing from the fact that divorce has been mentioned that you are married. If that's the case, all his wordly goods belong to you too OP.

witherhills · 28/11/2011 19:05

I know fairenuff.
I had this chat with him recently about family money, following on from me having no money at all and he has taken it on board, transferred all his bonus money into the joint account, and made a point about telling me we are a team, couldn't do it without me, blah blah. But it's just lip service. I thought I had sorted it.
Last night he was annoyed that I hadn't responded to some email and he said well what have you been doing all week. That's what he really thinks

OP posts:
Anniegetyourgun · 28/11/2011 19:33

Well his job can't be all that pressured if he has time to keep phoning, texting and emailing home can it? Reckon if he put his nose to the grindstone instead of constant personal stuff he could be home a good hour earlier each night and actually talk to you.

Fairenuff · 28/11/2011 19:53

Doesn't sound as if you rub along together very well. He clearly thinks he can spend his money how he likes.

I would normally suggest that you sit together and make a list of all your household financial commitments.

Once they are met you can look at those things you each think you need such as house repairs, new furniture, car etc.

Depending on your priorities, you might also like to try and save for a pension or whatever.

Then decide what money you have left to buy things that you would like to have such as holidays, going out, new clothes, etc.

You should write it all down and set a monthly budget so that he receives his wages and x amount is transferred to your own account, x amount to his, x amount to savings and the rest left in the joint account to cover the bills.

This is the fairest way to deal with the money issues. I suspect, however, that he will not agree to this.

The drinking is a whole other matter. He may be lavish with his money, buying drinks for others to mask his own consumption. If everyone bought their own, others may not drink half as much as him and this would highlight his drinking problem. I suspect he is not yet ready to face up to that either.

NotTheBlinkingGruffaloAgain · 28/11/2011 23:58

bit of perspective- last year I earned £9000 Gross working 30 hours a week caring for autistic children and 16 hours a week cleaning in a school morning and night.
Your husband, spending that kind of money on that kind of thing makes me sick esp. when there are things your family need, good luck in your show down I hope he realizes how unreasonable he is being.

tallwivglasses · 29/11/2011 00:11

I was hoping to read a post like yours Gruffalo. Anyone, not just the OP's DH, spending that kind of money on that kind of thing makes me sick, tbh.

DS is autistic...people like you are our lifeline. It's a funny old world.

noseinbook · 29/11/2011 00:17

£3 grand is a tad over 3/5 of what someone on Employment and Support Allowance gets a year.

Gruff that sounds like below NMW?

garlicnutter · 29/11/2011 01:38

All I can say, Wither, is that I'm overjoyed to hear you inching towards your breaking point.

How much was the bonus? Can you not just take out a few grand and tell him you needed 'something nice'? (Like a new life.)

fridakahlo · 29/11/2011 01:47

Have seen your previous two threads and that combined with this really makes me think, why are you still there?
I do kind of know why, security, can empathise.
But still THREE GRAND in one evening!!!!!

witherhills · 29/11/2011 08:30

Gruffalo, thanks, I'm a bit surprised at the lack of outrage!
I know the value of 3k. I have friends on low wages who would be horrified. I've been cutting back for a long time, watching offers in the supermarkets and trying to get points for everything, he used to get annoyed when I made him take the nectar card for petrol

Garlic, I now have money in my account, and funds available in joint account. I will be putting some away for a rainy day, aka runaway
day.

I went to the domestic abuse people 2 weeks ago, and the solicitor finally got back to me yesterday, going to talk properly this morning.

Another row last night as we were going to bed. I was trying to make sure that the radiator in the bathroom was going to work, because yesterday he complained loudly at 4.30am about how fucking cold it was. And he moaned and moaned.
Will get to the showdown about the money soon!

I have a hospital procedure this afternoon, and he's taking the afternoon off, God help me.

OP posts:
ArtVandelay · 29/11/2011 08:40

Get squirrelling that money. And like Fairenuff said, give him the opportunity to cooperate with a monthly spreadsheet for budgetting and savings plan.

Good luck at the hospital, try and coccoon yourself against his whining so you can get better yourself.

garlicnutter · 29/11/2011 17:01

Seconded, Art :)

garlicnutter · 29/11/2011 17:17

Wither, my second dickhead spent £2k on a lapdancer one night as we were splitting up. I've got to say my reaction was more of an eyeroll than outrage. I already knew by then that he never saw us as a team, had a "Me first!" approach to the finances, and would shaft me over the divorce. I felt kind of sorry for the twerp who only felt relaxed enough to talk when he was paying someone wearing a sparkly thong to listen to him! The stupid fucker's self-esteem was so fragile, he had to buy some.

Not sorry to be rid, expensive as it was.
I'm so pleased you found the right kind of advice, my love, and will achieve a more dignified exit than I did :)

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