My DFather remarried 14 years ago, i'm nearly 40 but still get devastated over his preference of them over us.

[3rdOneComingUp]

I am 8 months pregnant so may be utterly hysterical slightly hormonal.

My dad's wife is just horrendous. We were friends before they married but you have never seen social climbing like it. On my half sister's (their daughter) FB page, her school friend called her mother a gold digger, so this is a reasonably objective observation. Think Versace and insisting on a Coutts account despite coming from nothing and DF not being that sort of man either. They are also unusually married in that she doesn't live with him, falsely acquired British Citizenship (don't get me started) but he is utterly pussy whipped obsessed with her. She is completely unpleasant and it's only my love for him that stops me outing her all over the place.

Anyway, today, my DF has furiously called me up, shouting and being incredibly unpleasant. He has rented my house as a city residence that he uses occasionally and she is joining him there for Christmas (we live in rented accom and this place is an investment). He wants the bedroom balcony doors sound proofed against traffic and the builder is having real difficulty sorting the problem as the house is listed (we are looking at a quote of around 10 grand!!). It finally looks like it won't happen before Christmas and This Is Not Good Enough. He has gone spare, threatened that he would renege on the contract, so i hung up on him and then burst into rather hysterical sobs.

It's not just that i was spoken to so horribly by someone (which would send me into a fury) but especially by my father, while i'm pregnant and he's prepared to do it over a woman who does not give a flying fuck about him. It really hurts.

Does anyone else still have a ridiculously strong reaction to their parents doing stuff like this? It certainly does not rule my days but it is consistent and so fucking upsetting. How do you let go. I long to get him out of my life but he his my only father and my children's only grandfather but he always chooses them over us.

I think, aside from what you say about this woman's history/personity/alleged fold-digging tendencies, it wasn't her who phoned you up to rant and rave and issue threats. I don't think she's the main culprit here although you probably transfer a lot of blame for your father's unreasonable behaviour on to her.

I'm a bit confused by the business about the property, though - who shells out £10k for shutters?

3rd
My mum died 8 years ago and my dad is in a new relationship. My dad's partner is very nice, but it does not stop him being horrible to me. When I was pg last time he was so unfatherly to me, i finally cut all the contact with him. Completely. I am very sad, but I also feel liberated. Some people are just terrible parents, it is shit, but you are old enough to know it by now surely.

Your stepmother sounds delightful.
She's demanding that alterations are done to your house ?

Tell your father to get a grip and show some respect . While your at it tell her no work will be done to suit her, as it is your house not your fathers...and not hers.

I don't know why you haven't reported her for falsely gaining citizenship ? .I don't know if it would have made a difference anyway.

Your dad sounds like a very weak man . I hope he grows a pair , apologizes and stands up to his wife.

I don't know how you cope with them tbh.

Congrats on the baby !

I am baullking at spending the money but originally said we would until the quote came in. Dad can be quite a bombastic bully and it was what was negotiated after a list of demands as long as your arm. It's not shutters it's two doors consisting of 12.5mm acoustic glass with new frames, reinforced wood to hold said glass and industrial strength acoustic filler. Very much overkill but the slightly cheaper version is 8k and has no guarantees which is why there have been delays.

I will write an email tomorrow, when i can think more rationally just have to think how strongly i want to word it. Pretty definite that 'no one is allowed to threaten me nor speak to me like that' is my first line.bemybebe i really want to take your tack but sometimes we get on so well and he is my father. (My mother 'ain't much cop' either). I came close to severing contact over my wedding/ over a christmas where he didn't see me when i was pregnant with my first child/ over a christmas when he didn't see his first grandchild/ over him going on holiday with her when my son had been admitted to hospital as a code blue and we didn't know whether he would survive.

I'm rather sheepishly seeing a pattern here.

If anyone has cut their parents out of their lives, what were the ramifications?

I agree with others - though your step
Mother sounds delightful the issue is with your father (and mother) . It can be hard I admit you dont have the picture book family (its only when I say stuff to people
Like dh about my family I realise how odd they are).

I havent cut them off but have withdrawn and feel a lot more confident in my choices thanks to therapy. There are a lot who have cut off though- quick search on relationship or go on stately homes
Thread should help.

Sorry for you- am similar stage of pregnancy and it does make you feel more vulnerable and brings up stuff you thought you were ok or hadnt thought about fame links.

"but sometimes we get on so well and he is my father"

Exactly what I used to say to my dh when he questioned my tactics with him... You see, my circs somewhat close to yours. My dad lives in my appt, but free of rent (still does as he claims he has no money and I do not have the audacity to throw him out). He also did not pay for his telephone, electricity, water or gas until last last june when i told him i do not want to see or talk to him ever again... He was dreadfully demanding in the past ("buy this and not that because I am now 60 and deserve to have some comfort in my life"), whilst did not help out with smallest of things like collecting my post from the freaking post box and inform me of important bills etc.

ramifications? I do not have a bloody headache now, but i am sad as he is the only one of my blood family, so of course I regret not having a working relationship with him. but it is not my fault i am afraid.

Aargh. I think i need to go and look at stately homes properly but really, it doesn't feel as drastic as others have gone through. Just dysfunctional.

So, let me get this straight. YOU are about to spend 8k of your own money, so that your father and his new wife can come and spend Christmas at YOUR investment property, while you yourself are renting elsewhere?

Will they be paying rent?

Dont be such a doormat.

Tell your father that the quotes have come in for the work, and you cannot afford it. If they want to celebrate Christmas in town, yet not hear any traffic, they should look to rent elsewhere, as your property will not be suitable for them.

3rd - I have sympathy as relatively my weirdos are not as drastic as others . But the point is it is affecting you . As Quin says if someone who wasn't family suggested these improvements to you when you were renting , I Doubt you have reacted this way but told them to do one.

I have had so many moments when after I thought what did she just say/ask or did I just agree to that with some of my family that have lost count. If you aren't feeling loved supportive and able to be yourself it is not much of a family dynamic so I don't think you have much to lose in telling them to get lost?

How long is he renting your property for, and could you easily re-rent it if you told him to naff right orf?

(Just to be practical about it!)

I would practise 'detached non-contact' and leave him to his life - it's easier than cutting someone out and you don't have to have any scenes. eg when the baby arrives you send him an email, don't answer the phone, and don't respond to any demands. See him once when you are settled, on neutral territory, etc etc. Try not to have any entanglements especially financial ones.

The OP is not saying that the wife has demanded shutters. The only person demanding seems to be the father. I would tell him that there are plenty of other properties to rent in London, and suggest he look at one of those instead.

It is the father who seems to be the problem, not the wife, in this instance.

I would honestly say that having no relationship with him would be better than a shit one.

If this were a straight forward commercial rent and you as LL had a tenant as RUDE and unreasonably demanding as this, you would smile and nod and give them notice.

Tell them that the apartment is fine as it is. £10k is excessive, but if they insist they can't stay there until it is soundproofed, tell them they have 3 options.

(a) suck it up - send them ear plugs
(b) Pay for it THEMSELVES
(c) MOVE OUT

If they want to stay in London, they are going to have to get real.

don't forget there will be a LONG line of proper tenants gagging to rent your flat, at a commercial rate, as it is.

Of course your email might be worded less directly:

Dear Father,

WRT the sound proofing of the windows of the flat, the quote I have received is approximately £10,000. This is not an emergency expense, and neither would I deem it essential in the maintenance of my flat. I will therefore not be ordering the works.

If you consider the work essential for your continued stay, you are more than welcome to pay for the works yourself, including all permissions and permits.

Otherwise you may have to consider that rental of a city property will not provide the pin-drop peace you may be accustomed to elsewhere. Might I suggest that earplugs may be of assistance.

I would hate for you to feel obliged to remain in a property of mine where you are uncomfortable, so if you are unable to remain, please advise asap and I will make arrangements for Estate Agents to value and let out the property forthwith.

Still a bit snippy, but what the hell...

Thanks Hissy!