does anyone elses DH NOT like doing "family stuff" :(

[MistyMountainHop]

we have 2 dc 5.6 and 2.6, been together nearly 4 years, dc1 is from a prev relationship

dh is a brilliant dad at home, loves playing with, chatting to, reading with DC etc and being a hands on dad.

but when it comes to doing "family activities" outside of the home, its like, he balks at it, and finds reasons not to do it. its like he finds it "twee", he is happy to do everyday things with them ie like shopping, visiting friends etc

an example - i found a really nice thing to do with them next weekend, its a christmas event at a stately home, there will be reindeer, they can see father christmas etc, there will be christmassy craft activities. it sounds really magical and something the DC would love. and i would love to see their happy excited faces as they are now at the age where they fully understand christmas and are really excited already.

but when i told him about it it was SO OBVIOUS he did not fancy it at all, he kept thinking of lame reasons why we shouldn't bother, and he said, why don't you take them with your parents or something?

this is by no means the only time. i have tried to get him to do family type stuff like this ever since we have been together and he never wants to.

fgs its like he thinks he is "too cool" for that kind of thing or something.

he is 40 ffs.

anyone else's dp/dh like this? what should i do? (other than "leave the bastard" )

Horses for courses really, your day out sounds fantastic to me, but for some people it would be a complete day of hell.

As long as he is doing his fair share - are there activities outside of home that he will do with them i.e. swimming, football, cinema? then I wouldn't sweat it to be honest.

Have you asked him why he doesn't want to go?

Maybe he dislikes strangers children.

I don't know how he could bear not to see their excited little faces tbh.

Has he got confidence issues outside the normal, everyday activities? I can't think of much else that would make him act so oddly.

Yes, try and get a decent explanation out of him, maybe it's something really simple.

Your day out sounds awesome but TBH it's not necessarily that sort of thing that your DCs will remember when they're older - it really is the day to day hanging out doing normal family stuff that helps you cement a family bond. "Quality" time is a bit of a money spinning myth IMO, and if he's good with just being dad on a day to day basis it might not be so bad as you think?

DH would hate it and would make exactly the same comment. Took about 9+ years to get him to go to legoland and then he went and slept in the car. Not about being too cool - doesn't worry him - but doesn't like that sort of thing. Don't know why, but yes, OP, your OH not the only one. He too is good at other things with DS.

Can you not go with your parents?
One volunteer is worth a thousand conscripts as they say.
My own DH (I hesitated with that D) would rather lose a tooth than do anything Christmassy in a stately home. I do all the kid things.

Yes mine is much much worse than yours.

He has no interest whatsoever in doing stuff that the DCs like. He only comes along to their parties out of duty.

He is so good in other ways that I fail to see the point in forcing him to come along to do something he doesn't want to do, when he would happily stay at home doing practical stuff for us, whereas I like doing fun stuff with the DCs.

I am female and I don't much like doing planned "family activities" (that cost a fortune). Occasionally I grit my teeth and get on with it, but would far rather take the dc to the cinema or theatre, rather than this pre-organised themed nonsense. DH is the same - our poor deprived children!

I don't like engineered entertainment either. I avoid visiting places when there is an 'event' on, would rather go the week after when it is quieter.

If he doesn't enjoy doing stuff like that, why try and coerce him? Just take the children yourself and let him look after them another time while you do something you like and get a break. It's not as if he isn't a hands on dad, he sounds great.

I giggled when I read your post, Misty. My (really lovely) DH often uses the 'I only get one day off/can't we just chill out/it's pissing down outside/it's going to cost a fortune etc line wrt family days out.

He does only get one day off. He does loads of housework. Nearly always cooks. Spends lots of time with the dc - albeit close to/in the home and is just, well, a lovely man.

I try to count my blessings as I really do know he's knackered. Doesn't help when BIL is 'Mr Day Out' and they always seem to be doing something. Kids are getting a bit older now and they really haven't 'suffered' for it, but I know what you mean - I know that face they pull when you suggest stuff.

id trade yours for mine..he will make the effort for outings but hates domesticity[watchiong dvds all tog on the sofa/playing indoors/board games etc].to be honest i prefer taking mine out alone as he is so different in character like taking a bloody stranger out anyway!if he doesnt want to go,go without him and enjoy what you want to do with your children regardless

Mine is the same.

DD is 10 and he hasn't been on a summer holiday with us or even a day out since she was about 3.

I've given up any hope. I take dd on holiday both camping in UK and holidays abroad on my own. Oh actually he came to Disney Paris with us for 2 days 2 years ago and hated every minute.

DH says its boring. I aGree, can't say that going round farm parks, etc is my idea of fun but I do it for dd.

I also agree with an earlier poster who mentioned that even if you do coerce them into the odd thing, it's just not bloody worth it to see their miserable, cynical, told-you-it-would-be-shit face.

So many people are in the same boat as you, OP, oh, and a lot of the happy families you see doing the days out thing, their partners are probably moaning about getting back for the football too.....

I agree with rookie, horses for courses. TBH, it's not the sort of thing I would enjoy either - maybe your DH just doesn't want to be surrounded by loads of other over-excited children and prefers to do more low key one-to-one stuff with them.

As the dcs get older and start developing interests outside the home, you might find he's great at taking them out and about to various clubs and what have you and getting involved in their interests - he just hasn't got it in him to do entertainment 'en masse'. Can't say i blame him

God , if these miserable areshole men can't be bothered for the few short years that kids are small why did they want to be parents exactly?

Has this turned into netmums?

Whilst I agree with that the dads might be tired after a week at work and just want to kick back, I also agree with the OP's last comment, because choosing to become a parent means doing things that as adults we might find a pain in the arse, but for the children - and I think your kids would love this, I for sure, would remember it if I was a kid - these are important things, especially going on holidays together - I remember all the caravan holidays we took as a somewhat 'broken' family, but we still took them.
I don't have kids - why am I here then - well, I guess I'm into MN recently, because you are the 99% and I have been intrigued by what family life is in this modern day and age, intrigued, and have spent ages reading about modern relationships, family set-ups and so on, and it is posts like this that get me thinking if some people truly thought what a big and important responsibility having children truly is, and it doesn't seem to be you mums who are at fault here, that is for sure.
I am extremely impressed with the kindness and empathy you show to each other, the eloquence of your posts, the things you are having to put up with, over and beyond merely raising your children, and a lot of you have become my heroes, and I just think, if only your DH's would follow your lead, and take on fully what becoming a parent involves, I mean, I am still reeling after reading the post about the lady whose husband wants to take a vacation alone each year - the 'motorbike from India to Inverness' one.
Sorry, long post.

Gosh, thanks for coming along to Mumsnet to read all about it...I'm thrilled.

My husband would hate Xmassy events at a big house, but so would I. We have been married 20+ years and the boys are 13 and 16. We can manage Christmas itself, but I can't handle family holidays with the rows in the car etc. He takes the boys on his own and I go off on retreat or whatever I want to do, or stay behind with ds2 if he can't cope with the idea of the trip.

My approach is to trade a strong wish by my husband for a strong wish by me. So if he gets to avoid certain events, then so do I. Over the long term, very long term, things even out. I'd class this as a small issue now, but when the boys were small anything would send me into orbit.....

My husband is the same, OP.

I think it is because as a child his parents didn't really do family days out, and the few he did do were based around keeping his grandmother happy and was largely boring for him. Furthermore, his dad was not really an involved father, and so I don't think he has that background.

I force him to go on family days, but tbh, he just doesn't get it. He doesn't see the point or have the desire. He does come (without moaning) to keep me happy. In contrast to my DH, I had very hands on parents and spent many a happy afternoon on a family day and so I want the same for my children.

we now have an informal agreement - usually I take the girls out by myself on the saturday, and he gets the day to himself to do whatever he wants, but then he will be expected to come out with us on the Sunday. As a compromise, it works for us.

I can't say I blame him for not wanting to go. I do a similar thing yearly with DD and my mum. DP has not the slightest desire to join us, despite being a fantastic parent the rest of the time. I only enjoy it because it is once a year at Christmas.
To be honest, if everything else is OK, and it sounds like it is from his "hands on at home" approach, I wouldn't worry. I know all this about "well it is for the children" bt I agree with the poster who said that kids remember the general being-there stuff. DD can hardly bring to mind any of our days out, but will endlessly go on about the time we put the tent up in the rain and got soaked (and other such daftness).

The thing is Barreal, very few of us who are parents could possibly have dreamed how hard its is - and wonderful, in equal measure.

I guess the ideal is that both partners put 100% effort in, all the time, just like any relationship. The reality, as you can see from the majority of previous posts, is a bit different. Just the same as I bet the vast majority of couples without kids wouldn't be able to say their partner was perfect in every way, all the time.

My DH does do the holidays, and as I said the lion's share of both housework and cooking and is 'there' for our dc everyday. It doesn't mean, just because he doesn't enjoy these types of days out, that he didn't put 'enough thought' into having a family.

Mine is the same. He loves hanging out in the house, playing with the DC, but hates going out on family days out.

He gets up at 4:30am to commute to work all week and I only work part time ( and usually at home) so it's fair enough really,

But he knows we compromise. So he does come out sometimes and is usually surprised by how much fun we have. Or at least that's what he says.

Mine too, but he's a wanker.