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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

I'd like to help my sister. She is so unhappy.

6 replies

fluffylegs · 26/11/2011 10:03

I'll try and sum up what the issue is with my sister. She has possibly always suffered low self esteem and depression which was massively compounded 5 years ago when she had a still born baby. She was going to be a single mum so has not had the chance to think about getting pregnant again. ( I know that doesn't take away the loss of the baby but to some extent it must help- but she is / was single).

She is on AB but they have made no difference other than shutting her down and making her numb. She has tried a couple of therapists some were no good for her but even the one she responded to she sees that it has to be down to her to make the effort to get better and actually, she doesn't want to make the effort. She believes she is cursed / unfortunate and that her history is already written, so nothing she can do will change that.

The GP seems to just prescribe ABs without encouraging any kind of therapy and doesn't really engage with the bigger picture IMO.

She shows a lot of self fullfilling prophesy behaviour like picking at her skin to the point that she has massive scabs so can't go out and meet someone. Also she has issues with alcohol in that she get totally out of control and does really stupid things. One thing happened recently that I don't want to say as it identifies her in RL but lets say it was pretty catastrophic to her job/life.

Her friends don't really help. None of them are in functional relationships and just accept the status quo. so she has no 'model' of a good relationship ( with herself or anyone else) to aspire to ( in her friends).

I try not to interfere but I really want to. I want more than anything for her to be OK and have a loving relationship and all it entails. But I end up lecturing her and she doesn't really care or believe what I say. That she could have a happy future if she tried. I don't know what to do.

OP posts:
HecateGoddessOfTheNight · 26/11/2011 13:03

Don't lecture her. That never works and will just drive a wedge between you.

Be a loving sister. Spend time with her, have fun with her. When she feels you are someone she is close to and can trust, then maybe she'll open up to you and you can help.

Nobody can help her if she is unwilling/unable to help herself. It sounds like, for whatever reason, she's not in a place right now where she is able to di what she needs to do. No amount of lecturing from you will change that.

fluffylegs · 26/11/2011 14:11

Hecate, thanks for your reply.

I feel that there was a time when she felt like she could open up and we did have a better time together. But still nothing changed in the bigger picture. and we are back to square one. We don't have the best time together - we have always had a fractious relationship, too close in age and too different in character. I don't think she really even likes me ( anyway that is another thread!)

Anyway, your point still stands and of course you are right the lecturing doesn't make a jot of difference. In fact it makes me feel worse and guilty for doing it.

OP posts:
fluffylegs · 26/11/2011 14:17

by the way she is on ADs not ABs!

OP posts:
HecateGoddessOfTheNight · 26/11/2011 19:55

It's hard to watch someone you love suffer, particularly when you can clearly see that if only they do x, y, z... then they can change their life. It can be very frustrating and you can get angry with them even - when they moan to you about their life and you want to scream BUT YOU WON'T DO ANYTHING ABOUT IT... It's very hard when they can't do what you can clearly see needs to be done.

I'm projecting madly here btw Grin whole other story Wink

fluffylegs · 28/11/2011 09:27

Hecate, yes you have very much hit the nail on the head. It's worse when it is family or someone you are in a relationship with because I can't just let it go ( though I am trying).

I have had my own battles that I dealt with and came to a better place so I want her to see that and do the same. But actually she doesn't give a flying frigg about what I have done.

So I am trying to step back and keep out for both our sakes.

OP posts:
Seabright · 28/11/2011 10:02

Could you start with something small? Is there something you could ask her to help you with which is well within what she is currently capable of?

That way she gets to help you, you get to praise her, her self-esteem goes up a little?

Just a thought, as I can see you want to do something, maybe starting small would be the way to go?

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