Last week I went to my husbands christmas party with him. I allowed my self to drink because i noticed that they were all getting wasted. Otherwise i wouldnt have. Hehe.. anyway, i had about 2 cups of orange juice and vodka maybe some other stuff.. after the third one was when i sort of blacked out. (never happens! :-O)i rememember bits and pieces. my husbands sister in law (his brother works there too) wanted to go out dancing. so she came up to me(this i remember) and said nancy lets go! and there was a taxi outside. so we went with some guy...(this isnt the guy i am talking about) to a place to go dancing it was like a hotel bar. so we went there and we were dancing(hah i dont usually dance!) and we were having so much fun! then this guy came that was also at the christmas party. I have seen this guy before at my husbands family get together.. I noticed he was looking at me, then i noticed once he noticed i was with this other guy(my husband) he stopped looking at me! (for some reason i was a bit disapointed) i dont know why. so i saw him and for some reason that i have no idea why, i was completely all over him! (once again, i remember bits and pieces) and i didnt care that my sister in law was around...( i dont know why, but maybe i do..) and well this other guy that my husband works with (i think) was standing there. i remember touching his arm and feeling his muscles and that turned me on so much, then i remember his smell, it is weird because i smell him sometimes while just walking around the house. I get flutters when i think of him. ok and the worst part was, i tried to kiss him, he turned his head and said "no, your with adam" and i said so? (something like that) and i kissed his neck playfully.. he just smiled and sort of laughed like a "oh man" laugh.. after all this i think i grabbed him (wich i dont know why.. and went some where) dont remember much but im sure nothing happend.
Anyway... When it was closing time i asked him, Where is sherry?(my husbands sister in law) he said she left, cause its closing. I said to him "why is there still people here, and why is the music still playing. I dont remember what he said but we walked to the door and he said "If you werent with adam i would the out of you. and told me how hot i was.
and those words are like haunting me!
Now i will talk about my husband,
I feel like ive never had great feelings for my husband. I always just felt secure with him. I was also very lonely when i met him. Extremely lonely. and I never met anyone i actually liked..(i think, including him)there were guys in school that i really liked but i was afraid to talk to them. My husband was easy to talk to, because i didnt have those crazy feelings for him like how i would with other guys that would make me freeze.(i was very shy in highschool and jr high for certain reasons...) i am not shy anymore due to many reasons. The only reason which is the stupidest reason ever, was what i remember, he didnt make me look like i had a low self esteem, as in he isnt ugly, and well everyone liked him, my teachers, my dad, not so much my mom, my sisters...
BY they way! i told him about what i did that night. And i told him how i felt about him all the time and why. ( he still wont break up)
I have always tried to break up with him. Not only because i wasnt attracted to him and didnt feel anything with him but also because he was always so controlling and mean to me. If i ever had the chance to act insecure, i would do it. but all that did was try to make himself kill himself.. ridiculous.
another thing, I have never thought about him while masturbating (haha) which i always thought was weird because it was so easy for me to think of my ex (who i will never see again and dont want to)
Yeah, i thought that was weird that i could not think of my now husband like that, i was never able to... i dont know why.
The only way i could ever "want" to have sex with my husband is if i were to think of other guys and i could give him the best sex ever! (i just noticed this a month ago) and he will say "you think im so sexy" id kinda just say.. "yeah.." hoping it wouldnt convince him too much. because i know its not true. but now he knows i dont think of him during sex and never have because i told him that. He is trying his hardest for us, he will bring me home flowers, write me notes everywhere, send me love songs... i just feel nothing for them i wish he wouldnt do it to be honest... am i evil for being like this?
anyway, he keeps saying to me "u dont even try" though i dont feel like trying. i was sick of his name calling and all his disrespect towards me, and he told me he didnt know what he had.
its frustrating
i still dont want to be with him..
my sister says i will regret it because i dont know what i have.(shes been through this before, though she loves her husband) anyway i know i dont have feelings for my husband... so i wont lose anything there. all i will lose is well a house. but i feel as if my soul wants more than just sitting around the house with my child trying to save money which doesnt happen because my husband spends insanley wastefully.... argh.
anyway just want an opinion really.
thank you!