How can I stop myself being such a crap friend?

[CowboysGal]

My Friend is having a very hard time at the moment and I feel awful for her but don't know what to do to help/support her because I am being a very poor excuse for a friend lately. Sorry but this is going to be a long post.

Background for you: Friend has been depressed for a few years and lives in a really unhealthily messy house with her children. For a long time we (her friends) tried to encourage,help her to sort out the house but all offers were refused and other than kicking her out of her own home and sorting it out ourselves there was nothing we could do. Over time the other friends have got fed up I guess and have tailed off. I'm not her only friend but not many people actually go and visit anymore. It is uncomfortable to be in the house as it is so 'full' of crap and it is so frustrating as a friend to have your help rejected time after time when you know that she needs help so badly.
A few of us got together one day to discuss what we could do and we thought we needed professional advice. They had suggested about child protection or something like that but there was no way I wanted to get them involved so I suggested talking to health visitor. As I had young children at that point we decided I should talk to the HV. She was useless basically and told me if I had concerns about children's welfare I should ring SS. From then on I just carried on visiting friend as I always had, trying to encourage/offer support and hope that one day she would sort herself out. She didn't. Obviously someone else was also concerned because she had a visit from Social services (was about a year ago I think) and the children had to leave the house until it was sorted out as it was not suitable/safe for them to be there. The contents were basically bagged up and hidden in the garden,house cleaned and then slowly everything crept back until it became worse than it was the first time. Now SS are back and have told her the home is unfit and that she has to sort it immediately,which she is doing now.
My problem is that I have kind of become exhausted with it. I know how awful that sounds, really really terrible and I feel so guilty about it because I adore her, but I have to force myself to go and visit and when I do I can't wait to get out of there. DH says I am in a really low mood whenever I've been there and I am very snappy and touchy.
I have actually been very crap and selfish this week and have only spoken to her on the phone instead of visiting because I have had stuff to do.
How do I shake this feeling and be the friend I should be?

It occurs to me that your friend may have mental health problems that could be masked by the more obvious symptoms of depression. Is she on medication, is she receiving counselling?

You've undoubtedly been the friend you 'should be' but it's turned out to be of no avail given that your previous efforts failed and her home has reverted to a tip in less than a year.

It's now time for you to have a well-deserved break in order to replenish your energies so that you can give more to her - providing you are able to bring yourself to do so knowing that, without any real change in her, this sorry state of affairs is likely to be a recurring pattern.

Please don't feel bad about this; as much as you 'adore' your friend, you can 't live her life for her or, no matter how gently, encourage her to do anything she doesn't want to do.

If anything, you're doing her a favour by staying away because your demeanour after your recent visits to her home may manifest into you being snappy and short-tempered when you're with her - and you, and she, will feel infinitely worse about that than you making excuses not to see her for a while.

OMG

Please think of the poor dc for a moment. How would you feel if your dc lived like that? Why would it be ok for her dc to live like that? Why didn't you want to involve ss? They are there to help and support families like that.

Your friend is depressed, she desperately needs help. An untidy house is often a cry for help when a person has given up, or is too overwhelmed to cope.

Those poor dc. Please help her get the support, phone ss, don't isolate her now. I cannot believe you didn't phone ss when those poor dc have been living in an unfit, unhygienic and therefore totally unsuitable and unsafe environment all this time. No wonder you felt low, snappy and touchy after visiting!

It is misplaced loyalty not to have sought out help for her before. Anyway, the thing is you have a conscience and you know that the problem has got worse.

She needs a pro active plan of action and may be because you've actually not been a good friend up till now, you can start being one to help get her on the right track.

It's all very well for you say that carriana but the fact is that should you wade in and attempt to organise a friend's life if they haven't given you carte blanche to do so, the chances are you will be told where to go in no uncertain terms and will have one less Christmas card to send each year.

As for seeking help for a friend; perhaps you are unaware that people cannot be helped until they want to be helped and are willing to welcome and/or accept the intervention of others.

Before making sweeping statements, I suggest you read Cowboys' post and take note of the fact that numerous others have been trying to help her friend for some considerable time without success because their offers of help have been rejected.

Yes I totally accept what you are saying izzy but it is just so utterly FRUSTRATING to read about obvious child neglect here on MN and again through loyalty to their friends MNetters don't put the dc first in such a situation.

izzy I'm not sure what other mental health problems she may have but she is depressed although not diagnosed as such because she will not go to the doctors or seek counselling. I haven't been snappy when with her, but it's almost like the effort and pressure of carrying on as I usually do with her leaves me so irritated that I behave like that once I'm home carriana you're right she definitely does not need to be isolated and I really don't intend to do that. You are also right about the children, they deserve better and I do wish I could have gone to SS myself a long time ago but I agonised over that for months and months and could never bring myself to make the call. I hope it isn't true that I've actually not been a good friend up till now :(

Regardless whether they should have been called in earlier, carriana SS has been on the case for more than a year, and maybe questions should be asked as to why their intervention appears to be taking place on an ad hoc annual basis as surely it would be in the best interests of the dc to help this mother put measures in place to ensure that her home stays relatively clean and tidy all year round.

Given that she can't have failed to notice that so many of her friendships have fallen by the wayside, it seems to me that your friend is choosing isolate herself, Cowboys, and perhaps the greatest neglect is her failure to seek the medical help she desperately needs.

Have you broached this subject with her? If so, what has been her response? Does she have family members living near by - do you have any contact with her family? Is the father of the her dc in the picture?

In any event, as I see it, you've been stalwart in your support of her and I see no reason why you should beat yourself up for the stress that trying to stay true to this particular friend has placed on you.

SS have let the family down I believe. Why one year ago or thereabouts they refused to let children return to home until it was sorted and then only stayed involved for, I think it was, about 2 months after that which consisted of 3 visits is beyond me. Of course the fear of them returning ensured all the 'stuff' stayed bagged and out of sight for for a further couple of months but then nothing until now. They have only returned now due to an anonymous call with concern for the children. Friend knows the friendships have tailed off but it has been gradual and she knows it's because she has the house that she does and knocks back any offer from friends for help. She doesn't go out other than the school run and even though she has acknowledged her depressed state she will not seek help. It is a very sad, complicated situation. Father not around, she is a recent widow so another reason I am feeling so awful for not being there enough at the moment. She does have family and they are there for her but as with friends she won't accept help,wont let people do very much even though it's offered time and time again. My question really I suppose is what other MNers think I could or should be doing right now as her friend? What kind of support can you offer someone who doesn't want the support? How can you sit in someones house gossiping about what someone wrote on bloody facebook or talking about trivial shite when all you want to do is say, right come on work to be done lets sort this shit out and get you to the doctors to tell them what is really going on with you so you can look after yourself and these gorgeous DC the way you know you want to (have tried that tactic countless times btw has only resulted in tense atmosphere)

There is nothing you can do that you haven't already done, Cowboys.

As one of the few who's stayed the course, it could be that your absence may - and it's a very tentative 'may' - cause her to reflect and become more amenable to any future offer of help from you.

If she should ask you why you haven't visited of late, I would suggest that you be honest with her and say that you find it difficult to go to her home as it hurts you to see her neglect herself but that you will try to call on her sometime before Christmas (if that's convenient for you).

Alternatively, perhaps you could invent some non-specific ailment - exhaustion, lack of energy, or suchlike - and ask her to visit you or meet you for a coffee somewhere in the hope that, if she leaves her home and spends time into a different environment, it may enable her see what everyone else is seeing when she returns to her home.

I do like that last idea of getting her to come to my house because I think she'd really benefit from it. She's been out a bit more over the past couple of months but not in social situations as such, it's been more to do with hospital visits with her DP and then the funeral arrangements etc. Thank you for the advice izzy I just hope that this time the SS intervention will be the start of a new beginning for her and the children.

Perhaps you could enact the role of a friend in need? The problems of others can sometimes be the spur that's needed for us to put some of our own to one side, and we can become energised through the process of ministering to their needs.

However, given that she's recently bereaved, I would advise you not to be too disappointed if your machinatons don't go according to plan.

BTW, you sound like a wonderful, caring, friend - if you fancy doing a spot of bulldozing accumulated clutter genteel tidying over umpteen and and unlimited Krispy Kremes please feel free to pop round to my home anytime

and krispy kremes not to mention aren't conducive to tidying!! Thanks for the offer and the reassurance though. Have had DH off work this week and a rare visit from my sister so I think I'm just feeling really bad for thinking about myself for a few days rather than my buddy

Unfortunately, I know they're not. And therein lies the problem. All my good intentions begin with 'but first, let's have a ...' and before I know it, it's time for bed even though I started early a.m

Please don't feel bad for putting your friend on the back burner for a while because if you don't reserve time for yourself, if you don't spend time on yourself, if you don't take time to nurture yourself, you won't function at your best and won't do justice to your own needs let alone those of others.

It's not as if you've left her in her darkest hour - SS are on the case (again) and she's got family members around her; put your feet up and let others take up the slack for a change.

Wise words izzy, in fact my DH said the same thing a few times this week...damn I hate it when he's right!

You've tried to help. I understand why it feels overwhelming and you have run out of energy on this one. Basically what izzywhizzy said.

Sorry if I put the needs of your friend aside for a moment, how are the dc? Are they old enough to muddle along without too much of parental involvement or is it a case where they desperately need some order out of the filth and chaos?

May be you could offer to have them over so that you can give them a bath and proper food?

Oh dear, may be ss, NSPCC and police need to be contacted again urgently if they are failing this family.

It sounds as if your friend has lost her contact with reality so may be inviting the whole family regularly to tea might be a good idea?

I once had a piano teacher for my dc who was from a woman's refuge, I even took up lessons myself for a bit so I could give her a bit more money, and also had her 3 dc round for tea every week when she came for the lesson. Those poor dc had been through such a lot, they absolutely loved coming.

We had that arrangement for over a year but she did say if her abusive former partner tracked her down she would have to flee.

She had brain damage from a stroke brought on by her ex stamping on her head in front of her dc. Unfortunately he did eventually trace her and I never heard from them again

What a sad story, Carriana.....

Cowboys, if she's been recently widowed, maybe she needs bereavement counselling. Have you suggested that to her?

You do sound like a fantastic friend by the way, but you also need to take care of yourself. You know the infamous saying "You can take a horse to water, but you can't make it drink."

Not sure you're reading my posts properly carriana the SS are involved, they have been called. The house is shocking however the children are clean, fed and well looked after, but even if they weren't we are talking about a girl her who will not accept the kind of help you are suggesting I offer.
Have been to visit today, thought it was silly of me to be on here asking what I could do as a friend when I knew what she actually wanted was for her friend to call round,drink coffee and chat about inane rubbish for half an hour as we always have before.
I'm actually really,really proud of her. She is still refusing counselling or a visit to the doctors but SS have given her a deadline to sort out the house and I am frankly gobsmacked by what she has achieved already over the past 5 days. I have no doubt that the hard work she has put in is a sign that the friend I used to know is breaking free and coming back to life. Last time SS were involved she hid most of the junk, this time it's been cleared. To anyone else it would look a bit bad still,especially outside but to those who have been before it's a different house.

That is good news, Cowboys. And all it took was for you to be off the scene for a week or so!! Only joking

I sincerely hope that this signifies a sea-change for your friend but, even if it becomes less of a strain for you to visit her at home, I hope you'll endeavour to make your friendship more equal - she visits you, you visit her, you both go out for coffee, lunch, shops etc rather than the onus always being on you to go to her place.

friend sounds like she is going in the direction of compulsive hoarding, which is rather more serious than just being cluttered.

*sharkie friend isn't just going in that direction, she's already there! She has always acknowledged this side of her personality but before she first got depressed it wasn't so much of a problem as she had a nice, organised, tidy mind to match the house I guess.
She's been through an awful lot of crap and her refusal to accept help has meant she just couldn't cope with the day to day and as anyone with more than 1 DC knows if the daily chores are neglected for only a week it's a mountain to climb. Add a DP who does sod all,7 children, a tendency to hoard and spread that over 3 years...that's where my friend was. I'm feeling very positive about her future and the future of her DC. I was just feeling really miserable and wallowing in my own guilt and sadness when posting during my insomnia. Thank you all for your replies

CowboysGal, I haven't read the whole thread, but I wanted to recommend a book called Stuff: Compulsive Hoarding and the Meaning of Things, which might give you some more insight into your friend's hoarding. I honestly don't think you can solve it for her, but I bet those inane coffeetime chats are really precious to her. You're not being a crap friend.

Thanks whyfrank, I'll check it out.