My H is a narcissistic abuser, caused by sexual and other abuse as a child. He was not abusive all the time, they're not, but when triggered, would "act out". He is the text book victim of childhood sexual abuse.
Narc, in that I merely became an extension of him and ceased to exist in my own right. That was "tolerable" when I was nursing small children, but unfortunately, as my name suggests, his constant assertions of my "madness" I dealt with, by going to the doctors. And I found out lots of things.
It was never me, it's him, He projects....a lot, as do all narcs.
My mother and sisters are narcs.
My grandparents were narcs.
There's narc behaviour right across the board in both my parent's families, with the exception of one aunt...who has got very ill instead. This goes back generations.
Haven't quite worked out my father yet....he seemed to just hide, then get ill and die....which I can relate to frighteningly well. Except he was never a gobby cow, like I am.
There is incest, alcohol abuse, and serious drug abuse...everywhere, in mine and H's families.
The entire family system is shot to bits. And being the scapegoat, and quite bright, has saved me and hopefully my kids.
Abuse doesn't happen in a vacuum, kind of being the point to all of that.