I'm really sad and don't know if I should tell my husband

[rowingdowntheriver]

I was reading a thread last night about ex partners where the person said they had googled their exes to see what they are up to now (can't find the thread now sorry).

Couldn't sleep so tried googling my Ex. Couldn't find anything on him but found out that his mother, who I really liked and knew very well as we were together a long time, was diagnosed with terminal pancreatic cancer back in 2006.

I am so sad and would like to talk about it with someone but think my husband would be upset and concerned that I had been googling an Ex (understandably I think).

Is such a weird feeling as I had no idea she was ill as have no contact with her or my Ex at all. My life has gone on oblivious to her illness and her families distress and now I feel in shock at news that is actually 5 years old.

I don't know if she has died but I also found that they sold their family house this year (feel like a stalker for knowing this) and according to an article in google, there is only a 6% chance she would have survived a year after being diagnosed.

I wish I didn't know this as there is nothing I can do now for her or her family.

Should I tell my husband? Or should I grieve privately? Feels almost like grieving for someone from a dream as it is so long ago that I last saw her (11 years).

OP, you saw her 11 years ago and have had no contact since? Whilst this is sad I do think your "grief" is a bit ott.

Grieve away - I would tell my husband but I'm not saying you should tell yours.

My father died last year and even though I hadn't seen him for 17 years it still hit me like a train - there's no time limit

Does she have an OH still alive? Could you find their whereabouts via www.192.com and then send a card with a short note saying that you have only just found out that she was so ill and that you were saddened to hear it?

About telling your dh, I suppose it might depend on how he would take it. You could just say that you'd found out recently and that it was sad that you hadn't known.

I am on that other thread.

I think you should probably let sleeping dogs lie and grieve quietly tbh. Unless you can bring it up with your husband in a casual, "heard from a 3rd party that the mother of one of my exes....." If I mentioned it, I certainly would not be mentioning Facebook. That way lies trouble.

IMO you should keep this to yourself unless you should get to hear of it in real life, or can credibly claim that 'someone' told you. Even then, I would suggest you be circumspect if/when mentioning anything to your dh about the probable passing of an ex's relative.

The reality is that you've been out of your ex and his family's life for many years. During that time it may be that numerous other people who you have known fleetingly or more intimately have become victim of circumstances beyond their control such as health issues which have resulted in their deaths.

It's sad but it happens and there is nothing we can usefully do when knowledge of a bereavement comes to us at a late date. Writing a note of condolence years after the event is inappropriate but, of course, if we should meet any the deceased's relatives in rl it would be common courtesy to mention that we are aware of their loss and extend our sympathy.

I come from the perspective that, although we are the sum total of our past experiences, unless there is some pressing need to revisit certain aspects of our past, we should be living in the present with an eye to future rather than raking through old ashes - especially those of long gone relationships.

Thanks everyone for your replies. It is rather surreal to know this information and also in many ways feels wrong that I know it given nobody told me, I was just being incredibly and probably inappropriately nosey.

I agree izzywhizzy that there will be many other people that I have been close to in the past that have passed away or suffered serious illness and that is part of life. It feels different knowing for definite that this has actually happened as opposed to not knowing what is going on in someones life if that makes sense?

I actually feel that I have invaded this family's privacy and don't really like knowing what I do given, as you say fuzzynavel, I've not been in contact for 11 years. Maybe grief was the wrong word but I do feel like I have been physically winded. Maybe that is shock? I am very saddened for her and her family. She was a wonderful and kind woman and they are a wonderful family I am upset for them that they have been through this tragedy.

I think I will take the advice of not telling DH as I no longer have contact whatsoever with anyone from that time in my life so it would be hard to explain how I found out.

You''ve got on with your life and, on those infrequent occasions when you've thought of your ex and his family, you've fondly imagined that they've been equally happily getting on with their lives.

Sadly, it seems that this wasn't the case for them and feeling winded is a natural reaction - and a most apt description as it 'takes the wind out of our sails' whenever we discover that someone we once knew and loved or admired died without our having any knowledge of the event.

This has happened to me on a number of occasions and, apart from the shock and sadness of knowing they've gone, I've felt considerable regret that I wasn't able to send flowers, attend their funerals, extend my condolences to their loved ones, or otherwise mark their passing at the time.

My way of sending something out into the universe to show that I carry my memories of my beloved departed in my heart is to light candles for them on the winter and summer solstices, and on all and any festive occasions I ensure that the merriment is always preceded by a toast to absent friends and loved ones.

Raise a glass to yours

Thanks izzy, your words have really helped :)