Scared to tell controlling parents I'm pregnant - advice welcome, especially from Stately Homers

[Rhinestone]

Recently found out I'm pregnant, very early days but DH and I very very happy!

The issue is I'm now feeling very stressed about telling my parents, albeit in a few months time after all the scans etc. Actually in all honesty, I'm terrified. I'm waking up in the morning and it's the first thing I'm thinking of.

This would be first grandchild for them but I know they've been desperate for GC for years. However they are very very controlling and my mother is NPD-type and I just know this would be the start of a whole new era of interference in my life. For example, I know they would expect to be our childcare but that's just not going to happen!! However it's going to be a battle. And I know they're going to want to know all about my pregnancy but I'm just not happy about that and coming to stay after baby is born.

I know I need to set boundaries but I don't know how. Any advice gratefully received.

Congratulations! If you're already envisaging it being a battle then it may well be. What boundaries would you like to set? Be clear and start as you mean to go on. They will be naturallu thrilled though so some degree of hysteria is to be expected

Thanks Shakey. I know they'll be thrilled but it will be 'thrilled' because they're going to be grandparents, not thrilled for us if that makes sense. And it will be all about them and what they want - I'm just the walking incubator and DH is just the sperm donor.

To be honest, I've been wondering for a long time if 'no contact' is the only boundary that will work.

Congratulations first of all. :)

What you need to do is have a plan. ie dont say to them "not sure yet what we will be doing about childcare".. even if you arent sure.. say "we WILL be doing xxx".. and then if they say "oh but we could do blah blah blah" you can say "thanks, but we are fine, but we will bear it in mind if we get stuck"..

This is the start of a new era now. You will be a parent too and you get to make the rules this time. It is possible that the new dynamic of you being a mother will actually change things and you may be pleasantly surprised and they might just turn out to be fab grandparents even if their own parenting was not ideal.

Dont exclude them, give them a chance, but make sure that you are clear and confident that you are in control over your own child.

Firstly, congratulations on your pregnancy

Disentangling yourself from a controlling parent is a long slow process but this is a good time for you to do it because you have the baby as a great motivator. Counselling might really help. What you need to do is start to see that they only control you because you let them. You are a grown woman, married and about to have a baby. You are perfectly entitled to run your own life and to choose who you do and don't interact with, but in spite of this you still feel compelled to see your horrible parents and you still fear their opinion. You have to slowly but surely start releasing their grip on you and the only way to do that is to convince yourself that their opinion just does not matter.

In a practical sense, setting boundaries involves sending a clear signal that they don't have priority in your life any more. Do you see them often? Do they call a lot? Now might be the time to start seeing and talking to them less. Do they place unreasonable demands on you?

How do you think your DH's parents will react to the announcement?

Agree with squeaky that they may turn out to be fab grandparents.

I had an appalling childhood and my mother was worse than useless. Long story but I "forgave" her for my own sanity and she is now nanna to my ds. She is wonderful BUT I totally understand when you say they'll be thrilled for themselves as opposed to you as this is EXACTLY what my mother does. But in doing that, by default, she is actually great. I let her have ds whenever she wants and when it's convenient for me. In a skewed way, I see it as making up for what I never had. But she's happy, most importantly DS is happy and I get ye olde all important break.

Congratulations and good luck!

Never forget you have all the power in this situation. They will want to see their grandchild.

If they want to see their grandchild they have to keep you happy. The cause problems, piss you off, upset you, DH or your child when it is born they don't see your child.

I am not saying use the child as a weapon just never forget this is your child, what you say goes and if you say no, you can close your front door and not let them over the threshold.

Actually I have to agree with Shakey and Squeaky (sounds like a new cbeebies show!) that they could surprise you on the grandparenting front. My mother is beyond useless as a mum but since DS arrived she is like a new person, far more caring and considerate than she used to be. I am happy to have her as DS's gran despite the fact that I don't consider her my mother.

What do you think your parents will be like as grandparents? Do you think your baby is going to benefit from the relationship? That's not a given. Would you feel safe/comfortable to leave your baby alone with your parents for an hour? To leave your toddler with them for a day? If not, why not? and what does that tell you about them?

What is your relationship with your parents like, generally? Do you enjoy their company? Do they enjoy yours? (that's how an adult relationship is supposed to work - you're supposed to get together because you all enjoy it!). Do they love you and care for you (which is different from needing you to satisfy their emotional needs)? What are the good things about your relationship with them - the things that make it worth your while to keep the relationship going?

Also, what was your childhood like? Has it left you feeling grateful for all the selfless love, support and nurturing you received? If it wasn't so good, be prepared for this baby to stir up some bad memories/emotions/issues.

I'm asking all these questions because I think you need to decide where your relationship with them is going, and what you want out of it. You don't have to stay in a relationship that isn't working ...

Just to add, if you think you need counselling, then now is a good time to do it. I find that pregnancy and having kids brings a lot of stuff about parents and childhood back to the surface.

I'm no contact with mine I dont think boundries would work with my mother and I cant take the stress of the situation.

Dont get too stressed it's bad for you right now.

My mil is lovely but I wouldnt let her be my childcare purely because I would want someone I can say "no chocolate or crisps" and have it abided by whereas grans have the "cupboard" where all the treats are.

Bertha thank you. Your post has really got to the crux of the matter. I don't enjoy their company and I never felt they really loved or liked me when I was younger. And no, I wouldn't be comfortable leaving a child with them because they're controlling and very judgemental.

And yes, I have had counselling in the past. Wonder if I might need more now?

Thanks all for your posts but I'm not very confident that they'll morph into sweet lite old grandparents.

Hi Rhinestone,

First and foremost, many congratulations on your pg.

Your fears are justified to my mind; both you and your H will have to show them a clear and united front.

I have a feeling as well that you may find it v difficult to be able to stand up to them (this is absolutely no reflection on you btw). I write that because many adults who were the children of toxic parents suffer FOG which is the acronym for fear, obligation, guilt.

If your mother is NPD then she will likely not respect any boundaries at all but will try and ride roughshod over any that you set (your Dad will go into bystander mode). She could also end up using the child as narcissistic supply or using child to get back at you as his/her mother. Also you may well find she buying inappropriate gifts for the child; NPD people are crap gift givers.

NPD parents more often than not also make for crap grandparents and purely from reading what your parents are like, then you could well be in for a tough time. Counselling for you is something I would seriously consider now before baby comes along. BACP can be good in that respect.

I would recommend you read "If you had controlling parents" written by Dr Dan Neuharth.

Do post on Stately Homes thread as well.

I'm no contact with my Father - he is a lost cause and would probably be quite a harmful influence on my son whether he meant to be or not.

My Mum has all these wierd boundary issues and is very attention seeking! I am confident to tell her when I think she's being wierd and although she'll probably disagree verbally she does listen faithfully to me about DS. I think it boils down to - she's a good person with a few issues. If you can say that about your parents, then maybe take it as it comes. If you actually think they are harmful or you aren't ready to speak plainly to them, then why not do as other posters suggested and access some counselling to work on some strategies.

Good luck with your baby :) x x

Hi Rhinestone.

BTW do your parents live near you?.

Thanks Atilla always good advice from you. Everything you write is exactly what I'm worried about. Yes, I've read 'If you had controlling parents,' and also 'Will I ever be good enough?' about NPD mothers. This will just be another 'entry point for narcissistic control' won't it?

We don't live near them at the moment but will when baby is born. Well, 45 minutes away which is close enough. Are currently 12 hours and two plane journeys away!

I have had counselling which was great but all the old fears are resurfacing. Think I will try stately homes again, I did post on there a few times a couple of years ago.

So, you don't like them and don't think they like you. You don't think they're going to be good grandparents. The mere thought of telling them that you are pregnant makes you scared. Me, I'd be cutting contact - but it might feel easier just to back right off and not let them into your lives much.

Do you feel that you are allowed to say you don't want to see them on a particular occasion? Is it ok to say no to them? To say that you don't want to discuss your pg, or that they can't come in, if they turn up at your door? Or does the thought of doing that kind of thing make you feel bad/naughty/evil/like a scared child? Because you're not going to be able to set boundaries if you feel like that - that's where counselling comes in. Getting your mind and emotions to the point where you are ok about setting the boundaries.

When do you move? Do you have to be 45 minutes away from them? It does have the advantage that they never have the excuse to stay over at your house, but it's still close enough for them to think they'll pop over unannounced. Although if you refuse to let them in they probably won't do that twice.

How often do you talk to them? Can you start reducing contact now? Get them their own ringtone on your phone, and don't always answer if it's them, that kind of thing.

You don't have to let her know every detail of your pg, either. Say "mm, I'm fine" and ask her a question about herself. If she is very insistent, say "I don't want to talk about it" (I have fond memories of the first time I said "because I don't want to" as an adult to my controlling parents ).