statelyhomers & any other mums

[mumsoashamed]

Had a very destructive childhood. Followed by marriage to a very violent abusive man. Have had years of counselling and thought I was healed or recovered or whatever. Ds(7) lashes out when he is angry. He was being really difficult yesterday morning & I just completely lost it with him. I turned into an animal screaming & shaking him. I have always been a kind, loving, patient mum & have no idea how I was capable of behaving like this. I immediately apologised to ds & told him I should not have lashed out & was really really sorry. Things have been fine with ds since but I am left feeling like I am an unfit mother. I'm not sure what to do or how to reconcile myself with this tbh. I am left questioning if I am as bad as the people who abused me or is it that years of abuse created some animalistic/monster part of me that is lying beneath the surface?? I have tried so hard to be a good mother & role model for my dc's & now I'm left feeling like I've messed up completely & am an unfit mother. I feel like I want to lock myself away from the world as I'm a flawed/messed up/unfit/horrible person.

Calm down, calm down.

First 2 I had, I am also a stay at home mum. 2 of my children are Autistic. One lashes out big time.

I'm not condoning what you did, but I think you have got to breaking point. Have you sought help for your son? Do you think it is learnt behaviour? Or is it a symptom of something else, such as communication problems?

I think the first step is to start asking for help, for you and your son.

Your not coping as well as you thought . It's very difficult being a single mum .
When i left my exh , (dv amongst reasons) I ended up with severe depression.

You live on adrenalin whilst your in that kind of relationship , and when it goes your all over the place , depressed , snappy , even verbally aggressive.

Best thing you can do is ask for a counceller to help you work through this , and also for practical help. It's Important as a single mum to get time away from your dc , try find a regular babysitter so you can have time to recharge those batteries.

I dont think your a "bad" mum , just an exhausted one who lost her temper once. And you did appologise straight away .

Your wee lad is probably feeling all over the place himself . My kids went through a violent stage when I left their dad ..it was partly learn what they see , and partly upset because so much had changed so quickly with the divorce. Lots of cuddles and reassurance , was what they needed. Perhaps your dc could befitting from counciling too.

You are human, ok? Stuff happens. This isn't to be dismissive about it, but we make mistakes.

You appologized in the moment; it was very important that you did that for your son to be acknowledged as existing, with his own feelings. Damage control? Well, yes, but it will help your brain understand (which it already does) that knowing it isn't right isn't enough-the committment is to over come the emotional tusnami in the moment and do the "stop and count to ten" drill to decompress.

Create clear boundaries for your discipline protocols. Such as-nothing physical, ever. You can do 'time outs', take away privledges-especially electronics. You can throw the main electric switch to your home off, if it comes to that.

Do you exercise? I was fortunate to be able to take martial arts class, as the dc were enrolled. It was a great stress reliever and I found that I hardly ever shouted anymore-and I did used to just roar like a mother bear.

Good for you for persuing counseling, and I am sorry that you have had such terrible experiences growning up. It can be a strong instinct sort of thing to presume that our youth will forever define us...but I really think it doesn't have to be that way. Controlling yourself in the moment is a step in leaving the past in the past. You have controlled youself in lots and lots of moments already. One slip up isn't going to erase all of that. Don't give up!

Thanks for the replies. I'm feeling a bit better but have been mulling it over. I think perhaps ds was copying h's behaviour & that I over-reacted to this. I was really tired when I reacted so I think this is something I really need to watch.

www.angriesout.com/index.htm#couples

There are things on there for adults as well as children. My dd has found it very helpful

That was on the list at the top of the abusive relationships thread...there's loads of other stuff there, as there is at the top of the Stately homes thread.

keep posting...this is the best place in the world for working all this stuff out.

If it helps...my dd managed to destroy a table lamp and an ironing board....a whole ironing board picked up and hurled across the room....she was six at the time, and VERY angry.

I have found parentline plus really useful if you want someone to cry at...they're very kind and understanding.

It is ok to point out to your son that certain behaviors are not ok without mentioning your dh. It is a very good age to teach anger management at an age appropriate level. If he brings up his father's behavior, say this is about him (your ds), and not father's behavior, or anyone else's. Or it could be something he saw on tv or at school...but his behavior begins and ends with him without regard to what other people are choosing to do. Nice lead in to dealing with peer pressure. He is his own person, and respect him.

Sorry I don't have any specific tips. Try to find a book(s); or if you talk to a counselor, it might be a subject he/she could help you with.

And that may be a big part of the circumstance, Mumsoashamed, your ds is just at that stage where kids can be little monsters and seem to make it difficult to look at them and think 'lovable' at the same time .

Well, maybe you can gleen a couple of tips from my going on and on ...
Just keep encouraging him to behave better (like a coach), with a reward every now and then. Acknowledge when he is doing right, not just corrections when he is doing wrong. One thing I've found really important with my dc, is that when ever I say "stop" to something, I always provide an acceptable alternative. Being told "no" seemingly all the time without a clue to what is "right" would be frustrating for anyone (at any age).

Gabby & TMSB thank you both that has been really helpful.

It's also REALLY important...especially for little boys, to actually express their emotions. Anger can be expressed without violence, and indeed SHOULD be. His anger should be validated,it is ok for people to be angry, it would be weird if they were not ever angry. But it is never ok to hurt people.

I let my kids shout and roar and tell the world how "UNFAIR" it all is, anger often ends up with tears, and a huge great big hug. But any sign of aggression will NOT be tolerated.

It's taken a while, and is a work in progress, but it is amazing how quickly some shitty role models can be unravelled.

Yes, Gobbycow...
Mumsoashamed be sure to validate him. Saying something like, "I know you must feel angry, (frustrated, disappointed, confused, name the feeling) by these circumstances...anyone would feel that way and rightly so. Life just isn't fair sometimes." That is the reality of life: it isn't a perfect world.