How long do you leave it before you text back?

[TextualMindGames]

Just a bit of a straw poll really.

I've got a.... lets call him... 'friend with benefits' who will go through a phase of bombarding me with epically long text messages, and then I will hear nothing for ages. I always reply to these messages straight away mainly because I enjoy the exchange of messages, the humour and wordplay and all that, but I think this is a mistake. We turntake with the messages and it's all great til he suddenly stops.

I don't get on at him about it because it's not like we're committed or anything, but during the down phases I do worry a bit that I've offended him, or he's gone off me, or that my phone hasn't sent the last text or I haven't received his latest and he's waiting for one off me.

The downtime might only last a week or it might be a month or so and he'll text saying sorry he's been too busy to text, and I wonder if I appear too available by immediately replying? How can you be too busy to text?

Should I be the one to leave it a month before replying? I'm not sure I can and I think life's too short.

Or am I overthinking it all?

Seems like you want more from this situation. Why else would you be asking this?

I think you should bite the bullet, arrange a meet, or a shag or something but try to have a conversation with him about how you feel.

If you don't get the reaction you want then at least you know it's not going anywhere.

You don't want to miss out on a great relationship with someone because you're waiting around for this guy.

OMG.

MindGames, you can spend YOUR WHOLE LIFE wondering, speculating and constructing elaborate theories as to what might be going on in a man's mind.

You will be WASTING YOUR TIME.

Stop worrying about what he wants, and have a bit of a think about what YOU want from this r/ship. It sounds like it doesn't make you very happy, - there are random episodes of attention, followed by long stretches of radio silence, during which you tie yourself in knots thinking about 'what you've done wrong' to warrant being ignored. Then suddenly, you get another text and you spring into life again.

What is he thinking? The simplest (and probably most accurate) answer is: not very much. He enjoys your attention and 'benefits' but isn't that fussed beyond that. Once he's got what he wants, you drop out of his mind until the next time he feels bored/low/in need of attention.

If you're happy with that, then fine. But don't be hanging out for this guy to fall in love with you or anything.

and PS: the 'rule' with text messaging and when to reply is 'reply when you get the message/notice you have the message/have gathered the information it is asking for/feel like replying'.

Deciding how long to wait, playing games, etc, is an utter waste of time. The other person DOESN'T CARE AS MUCH AS YOU DO, and there is no magic amount of time to wait.

If you wait a month to reply, will he suddenly have a lot more respect for you and think 'hang on, I think I love this person'? NO. He will probably find another FWB who is prepared to dance to his tune more promptly.

Sorry to sound harsh, but I don't want you to be wasting your time like this. [hugs]

You are wasting your time. He is a FWB.......I'd suggest he was more to you. You shouldn't be getting hung up on someone who texts you months at a time.

Headfuck awaits.

I think if you are the kind of person who worries about how long to leave it before texting then you are not the kind of person who can cope with the potential head-f*ck of a FWB situation. Not with this guy anyway.

pulling no punches tigermoll

Although I have to say OP that I agree.

Sorry for bluntness.....but it's true, damnit, it's true!

It drives me crazy to see friends of mine, - bright, beautiful, intelligent women -who waste their considerable intelligence and valuable time endlessly trying to get some lame-assed man to like them. They run after these men, agonising about commitment, and if they're coming on too strong, and scaring him off and how to dance around to his tune so that he will grace them with his time.

They talk about 'mixed signals' - the signals are clear - he wants sex with you. Everything else is just noise.

Or how he is 'scared of commitment because it ended really badly with his ex'. Well, then move along, ladies. He's telling you clearly he doesn't want to commit to you.

Or how they don't want to scare him off. If he's so timid that someone asking to be valued as a human being is enough to frighten him, FGS don't ever take him to a horror film. He'll collapse.

The men just aren't that fussed. There could be other men out there, better men, who wouldn't dick them about. Or they could even just be single. But no, they persist in undervaluing themselves and convincing their men to undervalue them too.

Grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr

yeah I think you're all correct

thing is I think he might want more (he says he loves me) but I don't because he has a lot of baggage, teenage kids for one thing (they are the excuse he uses when he doesn't text me for days on end...) so we've sort of reached this non-committal FWB situation which as you say I don't think I'm the right sort of person to deal with [sigh].

He's great to be around and (sorry) the most fantastic lover I've ever had so it's hard to just give it up.

I don't know what I want from him really!

We did try to not see or contact each other for ages and we both missed each other but eventually he got back in touch. I sort of wish he hadn't because it took me ages to get over him.

I'm with tigermoll. I've wasted time over these guys before, and since being with my current partner who treats me with respect and no mindgames, I realise what a pointless waste of time I made with the others.

Focus on yourself and what you want, if he can't offer you that, find a man that will, they exist.

and I know what you're going to say - how can he love me and then ignore me for weeks on end

and you're right

You know the answer don't you op?

Great sex is hard to give up, I agree. However, it takes two to tango (ie: you are responsible for part of what makes the sex so good), and maybe you can take the tips/tricks/right frame of mind into the next relationship you have.

Are you entirely sure he does love you, - in your next breath you say he uses his children 'as an excuse' not to text. Does he act as if he loves you? Or does he just think that saying 'I love you' gives him a free pass to treat you however he likes? Some people think there is a sort of magic power to saying I love you, which means that they can then pretend that the situation is difficult and complicated and full of feelings, whereas really its very, very simple.

You say you don't want a r/ship with him because of his baggage (a very, very wise decision to make) and you don't deal well with the FB sitch.

Time to knock it on the head, maybe?