Feel free to ignore this

[udderbelly]

No real reason to post this self-indulgent, dull scenario other than needing to get it off my chest. Not looking for advice or feedback or anything. Am a namechanging regular, and current DP is male just in case anyone suspects I'm one of MNs handful of lesbian regulars.

In my first year of Uni in fell head-over-heels in love with a girl. She was lovely, caring, easy-going, unconventionally beautiful. She had a boyfriend, which didn't really sit right with me, but I obviously accepted it and enjoyed her company and friendship. We were a little flirty, and she once deliberately showed me her profile on a pre-Facebook social network site, where she described herself 'bisexual'. She wasn't open about her sexuality at all, and it seemed she definitely was trying to show me that she was into girls too. We weren't friends on the site, and I didn't use it, but I did visit the page every so often to look at pictures and noticed that she was starting to describe herself as a 'lesbian' despite still being with the BF.

To cut a long and even more boring story short, she eventually used this site to hook up with a girl with the same name as me and who looked a lot like me, with similar intrests and outlook. To this day I honestly think she thought she was contacting me, and got this girl instead. After about 5 months of being with this girl, she eventually dumped the BF (who I don't think the GF knew about) and the pair of them moved in together, got engaged, got a cat, and lived happily ever after.

Meanwhile, in my boredom, I met DP and we quickly became very involved. I never meant it to be serious, but I ended up pregnant and we fell in love and despite a few bumps along the way, have been very happy. However, in the back of my mind I was always unsure how I would feel if I ever knew the Uni girl was single again. I know this is horrendous, but I'd always felt it should've been me in that relationship and that it was just a weird fluke that it hadn't been. I still think we could've been perfect and do still have feelings for her, and sort of resent the course my life has taken, even though I am happy. Throughout our 6 years together, I've always had this at the back of my mind.

Earlier this week, this exact thing happened. Her GF moved out of their shared home against her own will, and Uni girl is now single. And you know what? I feel nothing. I realise that absolutely adore my wonderful DP and I am just devestated for the poor girl who has been left heartbroked who could so easily have been me. I held DP all night last night, just absorbing him, enjoying him, being so so so grateful for him. I love him with all my heart and wish I'd forgotten about this woman sooner.

DP would be devestated if he knew about this. It has basically been an emotional affair, albeit one that is fantastical and naive.

I'm such a twat.

I found your story really interesting, Udderbelly. Thank you for sharing it.

The bit about the girl finding someone else when she was looking for you is a bit weird, - if she was really looking for you, wouldn't she have ended it with psuedo-you once she realised the mistake?

However, its very easy (and common) to hang on to the memory of a might-have-been relationship, - it makes it easier not to 100% commit to a real r/ship and risk getting 100% hurt. I did the same thing for years with an ex of mine. Even though he married someone else (and I realised later he must have been seeing both of us at the same time) I still catch myself thinking 'that was true love' and have to remind myself that no, it wasn't. He was a twat.

You're absolutely right. I guess I'd always sort of assumed that once she'd got to the stage of contacting this girl and getting a positive response (if that had even been her intention) that she probably would've just gone with it anyway, to get some experience or something. I don't know. I don't know that the whole thing wasn't just a series of strange coincidences and I've just made the rest up to fill in the gaps. I guess if nothing else, it highlighted to me that from the girl I adored claiming to be straight and in a relationship with a man, she was in fact bisexual/gay and I was in fact very much her 'type'.

This is definitely the stage at which I've let go though. I just feel so sad for her XGF who seems to be having a really rough time of it and Uni girl doesn't seem to be treating her very well at all. :( Cow.

Did Uni girl know that you were gay/bi?

I don't think so. I never told her I was anyway or had any relationships that she would've known about. But I was pretty sure she was, even when she had the BF, so maybe she knew about me too? It's all a bit daft, so many assumptions.

We weren't close friends, but we saw each other every day, and she'd make a bee-line for me at social events. Tried to get me to move into her shared flat a couple of times too, but it was when she was still exclusively with the BF and I would've found it too hard.

I have these moments too, about one ex in particular.

But then I remember how many people most people date before they settle down with someone. And that even after all that, roughly half the time, whoever they settle down with turns out to be a wrong 'un.

So everyone before the big one was a wrong 'un and it's 50:50 the big one is a wrong 'un too.

Your ever optimistic heart tells you maybe the one that got away was The One. Your head should tell you he / she would in fact almost certainly have been yet another wrong 'un just like all the rest.

Sounds like you are happy with what you have, and getting happier, which is good.

Could you actually have gone through with having sex with a woman though? This bit has always seemed like Marmite to me, i.e. it's not possible to be neutral about it.

It does sound as though, by a small twist of fate, your life might have been very different. (I know that's true of loads of decisions, but go with me)

In a parallel universe, there probably is a you who told her how you felt, or kissed her when drunk, or was the udderbelly she tracked down and went out with. And who knows? Maybe you would still have been together. Maybe you would have split up within a week. Maybe you would have gone on to meet you current partner anyway, or maybe you would have only loved women for the rest of your life.

The sex with a woman thing wouldn't have been a problem...been there, done that. And even with DP, I prefer the sort of sex that I've had with women (ie. non-penetrative) over the traditional shag. So really not a problem.

I know the whole situation is mostly conjecture. I guess because I never really told anyone about it I made it seem more convincing in my head that it evidently is.

I guarantee if the OP had spent her life with Uni girl, she'd be pining for that bloke there was a bit of a spark with, who'd have given her the kids Uni girl couldn't or wouldn't have.

Coulda woulda shoulda. Grass is always greener.

I guarantee if the OP had spent her life with Uni girl, she'd be pining for that bloke there was a bit of a spark with, who'd have given her the kids Uni girl couldn't or wouldn't have.

I'm not sure what you mean, - that the OP couldn't have been truly happy in a same sex relationship? Would you say the same thing if uni girl was actually uni boy?

Eddie Izzard said in an interview a little while back that he'd always felt there was the 'real' him, somewhere in a parallel universe whose life was totally different to life he actually had. His mum died was he was 6 and he felt that sent his life down such a different path and he often wonders 'what if....?'

Anyhoo....i suppose i'm in a waffling fashion agreeing with Apocalypto, you've got a bad dose of the "what if I.....?'-s and the grass is always greener-s. You don't know what your relationship with Uni girl would've been like, if you had actually got together - it might've been hell.

you've got a bad dose of the "what if I.....?'-s and the grass is always greener-s.

Umm, no she hasn't. OP finished her post by saying:

Uni girl is now single. And you know what? I feel nothing. I realise that absolutely adore my wonderful DP

She's NOT wishing for what might have been. She's happy with what she's got.

@ tigermoll

I'm suggesting that had she been with Uni girl she'd have identified someone else with whom it all might have been even better.

She seems to have got past this which is good, I suspect many don't.

That's right, I'm not longing for anything else.

The crux is, for 6 years I've been thinking "if it wasn't for that seemingly fateful error, I'd be with UG".

However, today I am thinking "because of that seemingly fateful error, I am with DP and extremely grateful."

That's basically it.

oh i see.......