How do I learn to accept what I can't change?

[Arana]

I'm a namechanger because too many rl friends and family know me here.

I have issues with another woman in DH's life. They work together, and have to work quite closely together.

I was unhappy with their relationship. Although it wasn't an emotional affair, it was a strong, and in my mind (and a couple of mutual friends') inappropriate friendship.

DH and I have shared ideals and values when it comes to relationships and families.

This woman is a marriage wrecker and man-eater with a proven track record. Apparently she wants to change, but her recent behaviour (not with DH) had indicated otherwise.

For the sake of our relationship and our family, I have asked him to cut all non-work related contact with her, and ask her to back off. He has agreed, albeit reluctantly.

What I don't understand, is why he likes her at all? I find her despicable, distasteful and morally reprehensible. He says he can't control the fact that he likes her as a friend, he days they just get on well, despite the fact she does stuff that he disagrees with.

I am confident that nothing has happened or will happen, and I know that DH loves me and the kids above all else.

How do I accept that he just likes her as a friend, that he canny help this, and learn to trust him?

Realistically, from what you''ve said, all the time that he has non-necessary contact with her you're not going to be able to accept that he 'just likes her as a friend' and therefore you're not going to be able to trust him.

It seems to me that you and he need to work out why he's reluctant to put your 'shared ideals' into practice.

Does she represent forbiddnen fruit? A hidden part of himself that would be up for taking a walk on the wild side if opportunity arose? A mid-life accident crisis waiting to happen?

Could it be that you've both been too 'buttoned down' and that maybe you should consider whether your shared ideals need updating in order to be more in tune with the age you live in?

She wrecks marriages and eats men for breakfast? That is one mighty powerful woman you've created in your mind.

Has it occurred to you that she wouldn't be able to sustain her alleged track record without a succession of men who are willing to offer themselves up as morsels that she can devour at leisure, and what does that tell you about the male and the female of the species?

The reason he likes her is very simple.

She likes him.

People can overlook an extraordinary number of character faults in someone if that person appears to adore them, especially if there is physical attraction involved. The truth is he might not like her at all if he found her physically repulsive and he wasn't so susceptible to an ego boost.

If he hasn't admitted any of this to you, then you're right to be worried because that might also mean he's not admitting these feelings to himself.

Instead of being baffled about what your husband sees in her, try to rationalise it and reverse it. Imagine that a man you were physically attracted to showered you with compliments, made you laugh and had a knack of making you feel like the most important person on the planet. You knew he had a chequered romantic history, but he told you that all he really wanted was someone to love him and make a commitment to him alone.

Wouldn't your head be turned too?

Because that is precisely what's happening with your husband and this woman.

Have an honest chat with your husband about this, but this time from the approach that you understand why this friendship is so appealing, but why it has danger signs all over it. Challenge any faux naivety in your husband and try not to laugh when he says he feels sorry for her. 'Rescuing' men have an unfortunate habit of getting an erection in this situation.

You can't trust him unless he's honest with himself and you, about what he really gets out of this friendship. Allow him to be - and don't flame him for admitting his head has been turned.

Anything he does after that will be with his eyes open. With luck, he will see that his boundaries have been poor in the past and he will kick himself for being a bit of a twit, but no great harm done. All you can do is to reinforce your own boundaries about what you consider is respectful behaviour towards you.

people who are like this enjoy the challenge of a married person it gives them a boost and makes them feel special and powerful , she likes him sure but she knows she is going over the boundries and i dont think she has any boundries tbh , most folk like her dont , your husband will be feeling a buzz for want of a better word with this friendship , he may not even think about her in that way but his ego is being stroked and hemight not even realise its happening ,

I think breaking non work contact the friendship will fizzle out but he needs to realise whats happening ,