please help, I can't go on like this

[alnitak]

namechanger

this thread is bringing up all sorts of stuff for me and I am screaming and losing it at my DH and feel like crying all the time

it was my mum though. and I don't even know what she did I just know it wasn't right

please help me

Which thread was it, OP?

Better to cry than to scream and lose it. Can you go to your room now and be on your own for a while? A hot bath?

sorry, it is the FIL paedophile one

DH is out

I just feel very very numb

I have tried to raise this with counsellors in the past but have never got anywhere

Are you on good terms with your mum? Do you see her on a regular basis?

alnitak, is your Mum still alive?
Do you see her? Do you have any siblings?

Do you want to go into more detail OP? or not? Both are fine. You are anonymous here if you feel it would help to get it all out.

Alnitak - I don't know what to write - I have started that sentance three times. How dreadful for your mother to be involved in something like this.

yes still alive, only late sixties, very fit, babyboomer, middle class type of person.

I don't think it was very extreme, more voyeurism, exhibitionism but made me feel really uncomfortable and embaressed, just a feeling of things not being right. I feel like I've been overdramatic now, but at the same time I've thought oh well no big deal for about thirty years now and I really need to sort it out to move on

DS says he doesn't like her and I think maybe he gets the same sorts of vibes

I know my brother would know what i am talking about but I would be scared to raise it with him

embarrassed

Were you aware of these feelings before you read the other thread, or have they surfaced now?

Writing it down here could help you process it, or could you try another counsellor?

oh yes I've always been aware of it

I've been in denial about DS getting the same uncomfortable feeling

I would like to see another therapist but only if htey really know what they are doing

How old is your ds? Does your mum have contact? Sorry to bombard you with questions, I hope it helps to get it out.

He's 6, yes she does have contact but not much tbh, she's not that interested in small children

I feel a lot better for writing it down

I have always felt that there is something very very wrong with me that people mustn't know, and often quite disconnected

also dh and I haven't had sex since June 2010 :-( I'm just not interested really

altinak, I hope this will help you a bit.

I had a parallel thing in my background, abuse in family.
I tried speaking to an NHS counsellor about it. She tried to be helpful, but actually I don't think she was trained to help people trying to recover from childhood sexual abuse. A lot of what she said was quite shocking. Like she said to me "oh, it's not that unusual. I don't see why you don't tell me what actually happened."
She didn't seem to understand anything about the more complex effects of childhood sexual abuse on survivors.

I saw a properly trained therapist, a couple of years later, in group therapy, then had a couple of sessions with her on my own. Didn't carry on as couldn't afford it, but the fact that she actually knew properly about the effects of sexual abuse made a very, very big difference.

I just wanted to share that. I don't know why.

that does help me, a lot, thank you

I have seen umpteen counsellors over the years (well four off the top of my head)

I don't want to throw myself at someone who won't be able to help me with this

how do I find a really really good therapist?

((aniltak)) I had a lot of counselling for abuse in my childhood, it took a long long time to come to terms with it and it took a few counsellors too..as celia suggested, please try another counsellor, sometimes its just not possible to gel with them, its like a "click" when you find the right one...keep on carrying on

My heart goes out to you X

Could you expound on your statement I've been in denial about DS getting the same uncomfortable feeling

Are you referring to your ds getting a specific feeling when he's around your mother? If so, what are the circumstances at the time he's interacting with her?

Or are you referring to your ds feeling uncomfortable because of something you or someone else does?

I dont know really, he just says he doesn't like her, so I wonder if he feels uncomfortable around her. It could be that she is strict and not very good with small children though. He hasn't spent time with her on his own for over a year, we only see her every two or three months

Google therapists in your area, make sure they are part of the British Association of Psychotherapists and be very clear about what your needs are.

alnitak - I believe every word you've written and I'm so sorry. I'm glad you started your own thread so you can get the advice you need. Well done though - it's an incredibly brave thing to even admit it isn't it?

Don't give up on counseling - as others have said, you need to find a properly trained one and you need to find the 'right fit'! If you don't feel comfortable telling them, then could you write it down on a piece of paper and hand it to them? You won't be the first person to find that much easier.

Also, if there's certain words you don't want them to use then you can specify that in the note.

Trust your instincts - sexual abuse doesn't have to involve physical contact. Any kind of inappropriate behaviour or boundary crossing is abuse and ALL abuse is damaging.

And please, listen to your DS. Keep him safe.

Thank you

It's something that I have always known and have lived with for so long that it didnt occur to me I could do something about it

The last therapist I saw really minimised it - and she is someone I really trusted and who was amazing about other stuff. She said I would remember if there was anything else specific that had happened and basically said it wasnt that big a deal.

I am going to go to bed now I think, I feel wiped out, but I am still here iyswim

OK, your therapist is talking shit. It IS a big deal because YOU think it is. And no, I'm sorry to say that you wouldn't necessarily remember something specific. Our minds have a weird (yet wonderful) way of protecting us.

I really think you need some real life support. Try www.napac.org.uk

name changed again
alnitak Im glad you started your own thread. I commented on the previous thread too.

I can relate to you regarding I know my brother would know what i am talking about but I would be scared to raise it with him

I cant/dare not discuss it with my siblings as I thought I was keeping them safe and I would be beyond devastated if I found out they where too hurt.

Ive never seen a therapist as I dont know if they would believe me/how much use they would be but Ill share with you what has worked for me.
I have forgiven myself verbally, this may sound silly but for so long I thought it was my fault, I accepted gifts off him, I was a naughty child so thats why my mother didnt believe me, if i had not of been naughty it wouldnt of happened. Basically finding a way for it to be my fault. I can not change my mind set on this no matter how hard I try so instead I forgave myself.

I have never enjoyed sex until the last year. I have in the last year somehow opened up. Discussed things with partner (who is the most trusted person in my world) He has been amazing and I have felt that although I have screamed at him when I didnt want to talk about it, disagreed with him, hated him for allowing me to talk about it, and this has somewhat helped me feel happier which as made me more receptive to the idea of sex, the increased amount of sex has allowed me to start seeing sexual things as enjoyable (still never had an orgasm though) as opposed to dirty. I have initiated sex lately which I have not done in a long time.

Surrounding myself with people who I feel safe with and distanced myself from those who make me feel uncomfortable as also helped.

Im sorry if this is no use to you and I know no two stories are ever the same nor are the issues left over the same but it helped me to know I was not the only person whose trust had been abused. Because at the end of the day whether its sexual emotional or physical the underpinning issue when family is concerned is the abuse of trust.

I'm sorry you've had rubbish counsellors, I'm angry on your behalf that they minimised what you told them. Repression is such a bizarre phenomenon and they clearly didn't understand it.

I'm glad though that you say your DS hasn't seen your mother on his own for a while - will you keep it that way? Make it a rule, you can still spend time with her if you or he wants to, but NOT leave him with her, just while you work these feelings out.

You don't have to tell your mother about it - just avoid it happening - but I reckon telling DH would be a good way to start telling him how you feel.

alnitak - As a psychotherapist, I wanted to let you know that the experience you had with your counsellor saying it wasn't that big a deal is absolutely not what a well-trained, skilled, compassionate counsellor/therapist would say. I am not making a personal attack on her when I say that I'm shocked and angered, and that that type of reaction has absolutely no place in a counselling room.

I would suggest trying to find someone either through the BAP, BACP, UKCP or SAP - many of the therapists will list their areas of expertise. By the end of one or two sessions, you'll know whether you are going to feel comfortable and safe enough to work with them - and don't be afraid to ask them direct questions and voice your concerns.

Feel free to PM me if you need any more information.

All the best.