Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Flip

Original poster

Don't know what to do?

16 replies

3kids · 05/01/2006 16:16

My dh is 38 next month but is like a child he has always had boys toys ie remote control buggy's, remote control helicopter! We have 3 children 1 of which is sn and not alot of money. The problem is he buggers off by saying just nipping out with...... won't be long then 4-5 hours later he will come back with a new toy! 1 i don't think he should just keep buggering off(once was left with no food as we we're suppose to be going shopping had to go to friends for tea)a bit of notice is all i ask and 2 as a married couple i think what is being brought or swapped should at least be talked about. He p*** off yesterday while i was picking kids up from school and came home at 9 with a kitcar! It needs fixing and doing up which will cost money and then tax,mot and insurance. I just don't know how much more i can take i feel like i am just here to feed,clean and the other. I feel like i must have done something terrible at some point in my life to have a husband(who i do love)that just dosen't care how i feel. Thanks for reading this i feel so down at the moment and any advice would be great.

OP posts:

WigWamBam · 05/01/2006 16:18

I agree with you - this sort of purchase should be fully discussed.

Have you actually sat down with him, calmly and rationally, and explained to him that this pisses you off, why it does, and how down it's making you feel?

NomDePlume · 05/01/2006 16:19

have you spoken to him about it? Maybe he doesn't realise how much his spending bothers you ?

Easy · 05/01/2006 16:23

It sounds to me like he's overdue a good talking-to. It sounds like you have always just let him get away with it, and he shirks his family responsibilities, while you live with the consequences.

Maybe you could sit down with him and explain how you feel? Does he realise you worry about money?

Maybe as far as his 'buggering off' is concerned, you could have a set time which is his. But make sure you have set time for yourself too. And maybe set a financial limit, above which neither of you spend without discussing it together.

Original poster

3kids · 05/01/2006 16:24

Yes i have spoken to him last time when he p*off when we'd got no food i tried to talk to him but he justs sits there i even gave him my wedding ring back and said i can't see how we can go on being a married couple when he can see me so upset and keep doing it. I tried talking to him a little while ago and asked him if he felt that in what he did yesterday did he think he had done anything wrong at all......... he said no!

OP posts:

NotActuallyAMum · 05/01/2006 16:25

I used to live with someone who sounds like your DH, tho I have to say he didn't buy what we couldn't afford and we didn't have kids so very different situation. I spent much of the 14 years we had together on my own - he'd say "just off to xxx with xxx - back in half an hour" then he'd appear anything up to 8 hours later, often with some "toy" in tow! I too used to think I was only there to cook, clean and the other, and looking back I was right! If ever I went out anywhere he'd be moaning big time if I wasn't back to feed him

Believe me, you've done nothing wrong, you don't deserve this. Please talk, talk, talk to him - make sure he knows exactly how you feel

Easy · 05/01/2006 16:27

What if you try the same stunt? Sometime when he's not expecting it, you go out leaving him with the kids. Then come back with a big pile of shopping bags (next, M&S, anywhere you can take the stuff back), and see what he thinks as you show him your new dresses/jumpers etc.

Then, when the fuss has died down, ask if he understands a bit better.

NotActuallyAMum · 05/01/2006 16:28

x posts 3kids

Can he really not see that he's doing anything wrong? My ex didn't see anything wrong with it until I left him! Is it an option for you to move out temporarily so that he knows you mean it?

NotActuallyAMum · 05/01/2006 16:30

EXCELLENT idea Easy!!

I always promised myself I'd do a disappearing act one day for a few hours and see how he liked it but I never dared to do it

Original poster

3kids · 05/01/2006 17:27

I've thought about buggering off but don't know if i could do it to the kids, and to be honest i don't think he'd even be bothered!

OP posts:

Easy · 06/01/2006 00:40

does that mean that you don't leave the kids with him then? Because if that's the case, you need to buck up your ideas, and MAKE him take responsibility for this family he has helped to create.

Mytwopenceworth · 06/01/2006 00:50

so you are saying that he spends money on himself, leaving his children short, sometimes to the point of hunger. He doesn't care that he does this and he wouldn't care if his wife and kids moved out. The fact that he wouldn't be bothered if you left is a reason to go not a justification for staying, which is how it comes across - I would bugger off but

Original poster

3kids · 06/01/2006 06:35

He is good with the kids i just meant that if i just buggered off like he did it would upset the kids like it does when he does it. What would normally happen now is i would try talking to him and get no response then i end up not talking to him then something with one of the kids will mean i have to speak to him then it will be like nothing ever happened, we will then have a month or two where everything is great then he will do it again.

OP posts:

MeerkatsUnite · 06/01/2006 07:27

Hi 3kids,

I feel sorry for your children to be honest. He may be "good" with the children as you put it but seeing all of his comings and goings as children is not doing them any favours whatsoever. What's all this teaching them about relationships?. They learn about relationships from their primary influence - their parents. If this is not sorted out chances are they themselves will adopt the same sort of patterns as adults. I am certain you would not want this for them. Its a potentially damaging legacy.

What do you think are the root causes for this behaviour of his?. There is always a cause/s for such behaviour and perhaps you need to think some more about this. Chances are he's always been like this, such behaviours can be deeply rooted.
It sounds like he's running away from his problems to do with family life hence the continuous buying of useless gadgets. Its filling a need that he feels is missing.

What do his parents think, how do you get on with them (in that can you talk to them readily about him?).

Will you consider going to Relate?. Both of you ideally should go but if he is unwilling or unable to go then seriously consider attending such on your own.

Original poster

3kids · 06/01/2006 07:42

We live close to his parents but there not a close family, i've spoken to them both about what he does but they just sit there and nod not reall saying anything. I know when he was a child they we're very hard up(more than us) and that he didn't have much as a child and i think that's why he likes these boys toys. The thing that hurts me the most is that i'm not worth talking too, i'm not saying i would be happy for him to get these things but to sit down as a married couple and discuss these things is what i'd like, i mean this car really isn't a good idea cos in the long run with tax and that we can't afford it, my parents have offered for years to pay for me to have lessons but we just could not afford another car let alone putting it on the road, we live in a tiny village and i'd like nothing more than being able to get out and about but it's not going to happen.

OP posts:

Original poster

3kids · 07/01/2006 12:36

I broke down last night crying(not something i do often) when trying to talk to him he either dosen't care or can't see how much this is hurting me. His brother turned up with a part for the car and his parents said he can have the car in their garden so i'm not going to get any backing from them.

OP posts:

Tortington · 07/01/2006 12:59

fuck him off and have done. don't you deserve to be happy?

Flip