DH obsessed with earning money / working

[WifiNappies]

I didn't know whether to put this in Parenting, AIBU or here, but I think it's more suited to here, please let me know if not.

The problem is that my DH is absolutely obsessed with working and earning money, which I know might not sound like much of a problem but it is to me.

Up to our DD being born 8wks ago we both worked full time, and in fact my DH usually worked 7 days a week. He promised that once the baby was born he would cut out the weekends. However I can already see the weekends sneaking in, having done diaries last night it's "oh I might need to work that weekend if I don't finish the job during the week" (he is a self-employed tradesman). He also goes out and does quotes most evenings meaning he is out of the house from 6.30am til maybe 7 or 8pm. From then onwards he's largely doing his admin, out with the dog or ringing his friends/family, and then we go to bed at 9pm. On the weekends he IS at home he's usually working on something around the house, at the moment he's doing up the bathroom and just hides himself in there all weekend. I'm generally frazzled by the evening and desperate for a bit of a break but he spends very little time with DD. She's not the most difficult child in the world but she's not the easiest either - quite grizzly and clingy. I'm on my own all day with her and I get excited if I have a conversation with the postman or the health visitor...

We both wanted to have a baby but if I'm honest he was the one who pushed it as I was quite content being a career girl. He absolutely swore that he would help me out but now I feel like the help is more financial when what I need is emotional support IYSWIM. My life has done a complete 180 and his hasn't changed at all even in small ways - he still does EXACTLY what he did before including working round the clock.

We're not millionaires but we're not struggling either and we have various bits of income from things other than work. We have two properties - one here and a second one abroad - and therefore two large mortgages. DH was the one who pushed for having the second home and it was fine when we were DINKies but now I have to wonder if it's worth it. We were planning to spend a month or so there next year whilst I'm still on mat leave but now he's booked in work so we can only go for a week - it just seems so pointless having it at all. We're killing ourselves (or rather, killing our relationship and my sanity) by paying out money for a home we never have time to visit, I put this to him last night but it fell on deaf ears. I'd happily sell it tomorrow but I think he'd divorce me rather than sell it.

We both enjoy working and have a massive work ethic but I've realised lately that our motivations are different - for him it's all about how much money he can make, for me it's more about being a useful member of society, and money isn't that big an interest to me.

He loves telling people how much money he's making, showing off about the house abroad, and generally being a bit "we are SIGNIFICANTLY richer than YOW!" if you get my drift. I find it really embarrassing :( I'd rather live in a caravan and feel like I'm being more true to myself.

I absolutely hate my job due to some bullying I suffered prior to going on leave, and I was planning on starting up my own business rather than go back. However my DH is now 'strongly encouraging' me to return to work as he says that, being self-employed, he never knows if he will have work or not. I feel he uses scare tactics and will one week say "ooh I don't know what we'll do, I've got nothing booked after March next year" but then will come home having done an enormous quote for a "3 month job next Summer" or something ridiculous. As it stands at the moment he wants me to return to work full time when DD is 9 months old, and the thought of that fills me with dread. I think I am also supposed to be grateful that he is covering me for months 4-9 when I am only on SMP and he is 'making up the difference'. I have asked him what happens if e.g. Childminder is sick and he replies "well you'll have to take a day off work"... he can't contemplate taking a day off himself as he is self-employed. It feels like it's all on me IYSWIM. I know that when I return to work I will be running around totally frazzled trying to work full time and deal with DD and he will always have some reason not to. He swears blind that DD will come first and he will move hell and high water to pick her up or whatever, but this seems to be a common theme in our relationship - him saying "no it won't be like that" and then it being exactly as I predicted. I've really always been very soft and let him make all the decisions, and I don't really know how to get him to see that I'm sometimes right about things.

I recall when I was younger and first met him that he remarked that I didn't earn very much but he thought I had "good future earning potential". As the years have gone by he's regularly mentioned this when I've had pay rises etc "see I knew you had good earning potential". It's always been a bit of a joke but now I'm thinking he actually meant it and DID just look at me with pound signs in his eyes!

I know I probably sound like I'm just some moaning princess, and I know I'm really lucky in a lot of respects. I do love my DH very much but his obsession with having to make money and it being the be all and end all is driving a wedge between us, and I think that's the crux of my issue. Any advice would be appreciated whether you've been in this position or not!

I'm sorry this is so badly written, it's taken me about 4 hours between dealing with DD... Thank you so much if you managed to make sense of this mess of a post.

I would honestly say in the current economic climate, your husband is being sensible. He might have work booked in for next year, but other peoples circumstances are changing all the time too, and his customers could cancel. It is certainly not a time to become complacent or take regular work for granted.

You say you are feeling bored at home with nobody to talk to, so go out! meet friends, make new friends... have a social life with your child.

If you dont want to go back to the job you have, then use this time now to look for another job, or make a proper plan of the sort of business you would like to do from home. He cant force you to return to work, but it sounds like you would benefit from being busy doing something as well as being a mum.

I should also say, its very easy to say that you are not money orientated when you have no financial worries.. it is a different matter entirely when you do need the money. We have experienced both ends of the scale, and were comfortably off until my husband became ill and our savings were virtually wiped out by living costs for nearly two years.

I've planned the business, I was all set to do it.

I know what you're saying about the economic climate and I do agree, but really I'd rather get rid of the 2nd home and have less outgoings than more income. Surely even in this climate self employed people are still allowed a weekend break?

And yes I do need to meet people!

At the moment my husband is working 7 days a week, and normally 12 hour days too, so I rarely see him and when I do he is horizontal on the sofa as he is knackered, but work is work and as I said, having experienced how tough it was when we were struggling, I dont give him any earache for working weekends and being too tired to do much else. I work from home too, so it can be a bit isolating at times, but I try to be organised, get work done late at night or early morning, so I can get out of the house by lunchtime and my afternoon is free to do whatever I feel like doing.. (although looking after my MIL is taking up a lot of time now, as she is unwell... )

from casual observation, sometimes men go into a work frenzy when a baby arrives and the responsibility hits them. Usually when the child responds to them a bit more, they want to spend more time with them.
I realize that you hate your job but it is a great back up to have. Why not look for a new job while you are on mat leave. maybe two self employed people in a family is too much of a worry in these economic times. DH may need the stability of your job to rein himself in a bit, work wise.
It is early days for both of you with a new baby. Good luck. I'm sure things will settle down.

'He absolutely swore that he would help me out but now I feel like the help is more financial when what I need is emotional support IYSWIM. My life has done a complete 180 and his hasn't changed at all.'

This seems like the crux of your post to me.

There are lots of ways to take this forward. What I would say to start with is that you are only 8 weeks in. For me, parenthood was a series of hammer blows at my head until 7 weeks at least - I barely remember a moment that was relaxed (some happy but not relaxed) and it all seemed like years of endurance tbh. We were incredibly lucky not to face colic I think or it would have gone on much longer. You may find that you do feel more positive, more settled, more like a team in quite a short time. You are very early on in a long process of change and readjustment, but it will not always be this steep a curve - there's never another time IME when things change SO much in such a short time. I must say that to me,it also means that this is not the time to make major decisions about things like selling a property - even if you can't use it, surely that just means more rental income?

Secondly, I do think he needs to start working with you to make life easier now. I do get that he is focused on work and this is not a bad thing, but he needs to carve out some time to commit to you both. Over to him really - I would suggest that he picks one evening 5pm to bedtime, and one weekend morning each week, that he spends with his daughter come what may, and then quite frankly I would hound him in the 24hours before hand so that he doesn't have a chance to book something else in, and then I would go out and leave him to it so he can't just 'pop out to do a quick quote round the corner' which takes 3 hours (though actually, what is stopping him taking the baby when he does a quote? Would she sleep in a sling while he did it?) This is for his benefit, your benefit and 100% for your child's benefit.

Thirdly, yes, I would say that now is the time to get out and meet other parents. Even if you hate baby/toddler groups (many people do) they are IMO just about essential for a lot of new parents. My dh was so ill when ds was little that he could work (sometimes) and sleep and not a lot else. He spent most of the weekends in bed. Without my local network I would have gone truly mad - I spent at least half of each day out of the house and tried to make it all of most days. Most are still close friends 7 years later, and we are all still an essential network to each other. Wouldn't it help to have a friend come for tea with their baby at 4 and stay until the kids are in their night things? It's all a lot more cheerful with friendly faces around.

This is getting ridiculously long so I'll stop there. I think things will improve but I think you're right to allow this change of life to open up new horizons for you - it did for me - I have retrained. Others found that their original career was best for them after all, after a lot of thinking!

Completely echo what joanofarchitrave says.

I would also say it is too early to decide what you want to do regarding going back to work. Just because he wants you to go back f/t doesn't mean that's what you have to do particularly if you will be doing the majority of the pick ups/drop offs plus carrying the slack if your child is ill.

I'm sorry that you are finding this so hard, it does get easier, but imho mothers do pick up an unequal share of responsibilities once DCs arrive. Now hundreds of Mnetters will tell about their marvellous hubbies who absolutely do 50% of everything, but my experience with most of my RL friends is that it is the mum who does most of it.

I think your dh is being a complete git to expect you to go back to a work environment where you're bullied. If you need to go back to work, look for something else or start up your business - you're in quite an enviable position having the two properties, but they should work for you, not drag you down.

It is a massive change for you and it's not asking too much to expect him to change a few things too. You need his support and time.

I understand you completely-I send my sympathy.
I have been meaning to write a similar post to yours (different circumstances obviously) since DS was a few weeks old. He is now two and although things have improved, there are too many times that DH's workaholic attitude sends me through the roof. Plus having almost all responsibilities on a day-to-day basis; 50-50 simply cannot happen when he is away most of the time.

Totally agree with above posters re what to do.

Oh, and I love your username

I would sell one of your houses for starters if you can. It's just not necessary to have 2 and be laden with the worry of 2 mortgages.

Have you done the calculations of going back to work vs childcare costs? For example, round here (SE) it's £1600pcm for nursery so that's £19.2k of your take-home pay gone already. So it is not as simple as going back to work and being super-rich again!

I personally think housework and childcare should be 50:50 out of working hours for both of you. I do recognise the working pattern of your partner though and it does seem quite similar to other tradespeople I know. Could he hire someone occasionally to do admin or such or contract to others for big jobs? (my plasterer had 3 others he could call on to get jobs done quicker).

8 weeks is still very early in though so be kind to yourself and don't make rash decisions.

How about getting a job that involves working a weekend day? So dh gets a taste of childcare and housework!

congratulations on new baby.need a Frank discussion and plan to stick to
if you're thinking return to working start look for good childcare now
work out a budget strategy Inc childcare and activities
don't let this just Creep up get a plan,accommodate your needs too
sell second home is an onerous commitment and probably feeds your dh need to work
draw up a schedule of tasks and if he can't fulfil, get some help in eg cleaner