If you are a SAHM, how do you organise your finances?

[ThisOrThat]

I've been surviving on my savings which are finished now. Lately I've been dipping into the mortgage account from time to keep me afloat. This just makes me feel horrible and DP says I've been paying off the mortgage and I can't believe it, I looked and it's gone up again.

I do 80% of the food shopping and all the family clothes shopping. Buy presents for family members etc. We are really pretty well off, but I'm short of money. I feel like a chattel who's a drain on the family purse.

What do others do?

i think if you are project manager then that is a job in itself..to me it seems that if he's only working 2 days a week then thats why you're skint. all the money should go in one pot and he should work more if you are struggling. you are one unit.

Oh, and your DH obviously needs to reduce his pension payments and work more than he currently is. or you need to work on his days off.

Everything joint. We discuss any "large" purchases (holidays etc.) but otherwise everything is shared. Don't understand how you could have it any other way if one of you stays at home with the children? How can you be in a situation where you are living off your savings and goofing around with the mortgage?

It does feel kind of unfair that my working week is spent on something that is of absolutely of joint benefit. Whereas his income is invested in the main for him alone. And given we're not married I have no rights to his pension.

Right, it's really very simple. You have children together so you need one joint account that all the earnings go into and you BOTH have your own bank cards in order to spend from it.

Personally, as you're not married, I would be expecting him to put money into a pension fund for you.

I never cease to be amazed at the number of couples, with kids and / or married where the woman has to ask for money or use her savings / go overdrawn due to FAMILY expenditure.

That financial situation sounds awful. Why on earth should all his salary go into his pension? What about a pension for you (you could have a stakeholder even if you aren't working in paid employment).

Also, why the hell is he getting arsey about you using whatever source of money you can to buy food. If you don't have income, you need to pay somehow.

And what Rhinestone said ^^

Or he should be paying you his half of the rate of what a project manager would cost if you decided not to take on the role.....
I think he's done you over here tbh. He is basically working the minimum hours he needs to in order to protect the mortgage, everything else is going into his savings pot which, as rightly pointed out by OP, will not benefit the OP at all. He is getting all bills paid for him, he is getting free childcare for his kids, and he is saving a packet on employing someone to manage the build. OP meanwhile has had to use up all her savings (how much did you have before you started funding this? How old are kids? has there ever been a time when he has contributed a full 50/50?) and is made to feel bad when she needs to pay for things which benefit everyone. She still says she covers stuff from her account into the mortgage - so I am guessing things like CTC and CB?? Also if he is effectively paying all the mortgage, could he lay claim to the house, even if it is joint, as he will have the paper trail to show he has paid for it all?
I can see what he is getting from the deal, but dont see what OP is getting from it at all?
I recommend suggesting that you go back to work, get him to 50/50 on all bills (including childcare and mortgage) and take on a project manager. You might not want to actually do this, but would be interesting to see his reaction.
I think his statement about moving the kids out is verging on emotional blackmail, and not too keen on the grumbles about the mortgage going up. i am assuming that he shares all the household chores and childcare while he is playing part time breadwinner?

I'm sad. But at least I now know it's not me being unreasonable in finding it a disappointing way of carrying on.

I agree with the others: it's not like you are sitting on the sofa eating ferrero rocher and getting your nails done: you are project managing something important to you both and even if you weren't if you are SAHMing then that is important! Of course you should just have family finances; he is the only one earning cold hard cash so he needs to either work more to earn more or downsize his pension payments. He needs to bring in enough to pay bills and outgoings and like others have said, should be contributing to a pension for you as well as for him. I don't really understand the concept of your savings and his savings, but given that this is how you operate, in what way is it sensible for you to be using yours up?
There was an article last year? The year before? that figured it would cost you >£60k to pay somebody to do a SAHM's jobs. When we were working out life insurance we worked out what it would cost if anything happened to me, either in terms of DH having to go part time/downscale career aspirations to do childcare or to employ nannies, housekeepers, etc. It was not nothing.

Oh, I see he is covering the bills for the house as well. i'd be wary because it does look as if he is covering his tracks to make sure that his paper trail will show that he has contributed to works/running/equity in house.

Did you put money into the house you are working on?

I think you really need to sit down and sort this out, some straight talking about it. What you are doing has value - how much does he think a project manager would cost? How much is childcare?

You need to get your savings back at a minimum, draw on that ol mortgage if needs be, but get them back. You need to draft in how much food shopping is costing, how much 'extras' you need for clothes, presents, everyday living (I am guessing that the amount of diminished savings would be a starting point) You need to point out how much you are giving up financially to do the project management/ losing out by not working. Then you need to calculate in the cost of childcare, which should be split between you. It should not be costing you to be helping him THATS the bottom line - he is saving big time on this deal, and getting to work PT while stocking up his pension pot.

We don't get any child tax credits. I get the child benefit and spend it. Before I dip into the Mortgage.

Nettletea - is that the way it works. I thought shares in a jointly owned house only came up for debate if the couple weren't living in the property as a family for the whole time

Wow odd arrangement. I don't get why he would pay into a pension leaving you short now. I work pt but when I had our first baby I stopped contributing to my pension, it was only meant to be a temporary measure whilst the children were young to ensure I could stay home with them more however I then decided I would buy a 2nd property to let instead of my pension which has worked well. Our finances are completely joint and I just spend what I need to.

Im not 100% but the fact that he seems to be feathering his own nest whilst making sure the traceable expenditures relating to house are also attributable to him..... I am just a hard hearteed cynic though! Hopefully he's just trying it on and a bit of straight talk will see him make good for OP

I don't think he's nest feathering, consciously.
I think he can't see the oddness of the arrangement. I think he sees his pensions contributions as very much for OUR benefit, in a 1950s provider type way. With total control. He definitely likes to be in control.

I went to see a lawyer recently about my will and when I explained my financial circumstances she gave me quite a lecture (esp about not being married). And she's right. If his intentions are completely honest then he won't mind recompensing me for:

a) the equivalent pension contributions he's made to himself during the times I was a SAHM and a project manager working on joint interests for nothing.
b) Restore my savings.
c) maybe something else?

I think thats reasonable
c should be an ongoing contribution that covers all family expenses and allows you the same amount of free cash that he has.

what does he do on the other 4 1/2 days - does he look after the kids while you do the project? does he share housework?

The twins are at full time school. He's an excellent dad and does school runs n stuff. But he's benignly neglectful of my son (13) from a previous marriage. I do that very difficult parenting entirely alone.

Sharing the housework extends only to him emptying the dishwasher. He wouldn't dream of ever putting a wash on or cleaning a bathroom, or stripping a bed.

I am genuinely exhausted and a little depressed about my life.

He doesn't really need free cash as he doesn't go anywhere or do anything. He is very cheap to keep.

He has NEVER offered to take me out for a meal/to the theatre. Never says I'm going to cook us a lovely dinner /go get us a takeaway and a DVD. I always have to suggest it. In spite of me telling him a couple of years ago that it would be really good if he made a bit of effort, that I do sometimes need to get out of the house and that it's important to make time for our relationship, away from the children. But nah. He clearly can't/won't make that effort. If I suggest it, he goes along with it, but if I say or shall we just stay in. He makes it clear that's what he'd prefer.

I think that there are bigger issues in your relationship than the money then, TBH .

You should not be parenting one of your chidden 'entirely alone', regardless of whether he is the biological child of your partner. Of course, I realise that there your son may well have contact with his father and there are issues of not stepping on toes, but 'entirely alone' is not acceptable. And it's not benign neglect. Your son should feel as much a valued part of the family as anyone else.

He works 2.5 days a week. He doesn't help out around the house and his financial earnings are almost entirely used for his own benefit. That's not an excellent dad (what sort of role model is it?) and it sure isn't an excellent partner.

I think you may need to be blunt and upfront about how unhappy you are and see if you can work through the issues. Sounds to me like he's doing the minimum to get buy in all respects (work, family, etc).

Thanks for the help, everyone.

We talked about it properly over the last few days. He says it's me who doesn't want to share as I have refused, and continue to refuse, marriage. He would like us to marry. I'm anti-marriage,nothing to do with him personally. He thinks even if I'm anti the weddingy thing, why not just tip up to registry office, we needn't tell anyone. I needn't be a Mrs and I needn't change my name. Normally I'm a fairly high earner (as is he) and being provided for has never reared its head until this recent period of time off from paid work for me. He says I'd be appalled if he offered to take care of me with an allowance or a compensatory pension and he's right.

He has now transferred a big fat sum (way way too much) to my sole account and says to keep as much of it as I feel I would like to. I now feel like a bit of a tit.

And about my son from a previous marriage. He says I told him a long time ago that I would leave him in an instant if he ever tried to be remotely critical or disciplinarian. I remember feeling like that. And I remember saying it too. But there is such a difference between parenting your child when he's 6 and parenting your child when he's a teenager. I think I need his help now it's hard.

I wish life wouldn't keep coming and biting me on the bottom.

If you feel like a tit it's because he has arranged things so that you will.
You work as a SAHM for the good of the family unit. He earns cash for the good of the family unit. It's not "his" money, it's the family money.
So it shouldn't be up to him to graciously "give" some of it to you. You should have equal access at all times. It's just as much your money as his.

Sounds to me like he has been slatted on this thread for trying to do decent things which you won't let him do.

There is more to this than meets the eye, this is not about money at all..

He does everything you tell him and yet you are not happy, why?

YOu told him to back off of your son he has now you moan about it.

Get a grip ifyou want things to change tell him.

Why do you feel like a tit? Thats silly! You need money to run the house. Why is it too much money? It will run out slower - thats good!

I think you have some issues about how you see yourself OP. Honestly, I do not feel bad if I ask for money for spends or for something in particular. I also got married purely for the legal stuff (emigrating with DH completely messed up my life/work, I don't mean I married for money or similar!) I must admit, I do resist the joint account - it feels funny for some reason but I never spend my savings on anything or spend my state child money on anything other than stuff for DS.

Have you tried making a spreadsheet and recording everything the family spends for a month and then discussing where improvements could be made in spending / saving. That's good because its just there in black and white and you can't get too emotional about it.