cant seem tp get past this

[overeactor]

name changed but im a regular. coz I'm ashamed.

Been with my partner for 7 years and have 2 DC. Had lots of up and downs over the years mainly drug related (him) and depression (me).

I thought my partner had given up smoking skunk over 4 years ago when I first found out I was pregnant with our first. I knew he'd had "slip ups" but I didn't know (or maybe was in denial) he had actually continued. I definately had no idea he'd been doing cocaine for the past 2 years, including days before DC2 was born and weeks afterwards.

I had no idea he'd been going round to some girl's house to do said drugs. He said it wasnt sexual, nothing happened like that between them she was just somewhere he could do what he wanted (smoke skunk, do a line without having to share his supply coz she had her own wheras his other "mates" always nicked his.)

Maybe I believe him that nothing happened between them. But it really hurts that while I really needed him (stressful pregnancy, always skint and then colicky unsettled baby) he would rather have spent him time and money hanging out with another woman. A fucking horrible woman who took great delight in telling my BIL who was also her friend at that time what a rotten mum I am, a crap girlfriend and how it sounds like I should have my babies taken from me. She's never met me so only knows stuff about me from what my partner has told her.

It hurts that while I was having nightmares about how I'd have the money to take care of new baby and struggled to buy my unborn baby things he was pissing his money away on drugs and I had no idea.

It hurts that I'm basically a mug. The only reason I know all this stuff is because I finally became friends with him on FB (ahhh yes, FB, the bane of so many relationships) and saw all these lovey dovey "I really can't wait to see you friday night" messages from his bitch "friend". I confronted him and to save his arse from being accused of cheating he told me about his addiction to drugs.

I should also point out I found out about all this after I had moved 200 miles away from everyone I know. I know no one here in the north west. Apart from my partner. I thought he wanted to move here to make a fresh start, becuase we couldn't ever afford to live in London where I'm from. But no. The real reason is so he could kick his habit. It hurts that me and our children weren't enough for him to kick his fucking habit. Honestly it feels like I've been duped.

Apologies for it being so long and thanks if you've managed to decipher all my ramblings (crying so much of it probably don't make sense).

I don't really want to hear cried of dump the bastard but mainly becuase I'm scared to as he says he would take my babies away from me. to be fair I've been a crap mum to them in the past couple of months since all this kicked off. Back on meds for PND, shouty, insomniac, depressed and weepy. I can't seem to shake the pnd this time.

His threats are designed to hurt you to the core and it is despicable of him to use the children against you in such a manner. It was deliberate on his part to use the children, the threat of him taking them away is enough to keep you within this unhealthy dysfunctional relationship.

This threat of his is an empty one and designed to keep you in your hole. Think about it rationally, what judge in the land would let him have any form of residency re your children?. You are also their primary carer.

Talk to your GP, be open with this person and start talking to others like Womens Aid who could really help you make a new start for yourself and your children.

You are scared yes of leaving him but really, what other choice do you have?. Another 5, 10 years like this?. And what else is he capable of?. You deserve far better from life.

He is likely also primarily responsible for your poor mental state and overall health now, bet you were far more confident and a lot happier before you had the misfortune to meet him.

What do you want your children to learn about relationships?. It won't do your children any favours for them to remain within this either because both of you will continue to impart damaging lessons to them.

i also would lay my bottom dollar on the fact that he is the one behind any of your depression or furious behaviour. how on earth does he think that he would be deemed a more suitable parent - with a history of drug use and non supporting role. Thats just the latest stick to beat you with to prevent you kicking his arse out, and its a bullshitty stick at that.
Speak to WA, find out about moving back to your support network, and let his 'lovely' friend have him, dirty socks and all.

at least on your own you would be free to be able to control the finances, look after the kids and heal yourself mentally.

Ach overactor, so sorry to hear this. I agree with Attila, there is no way a Court would give much weight to anything he might say. You have suffered/are suffering with depression, this does not make you a bad mother. What help have you had in the past for the depression, and could you get help again?

I'm so sorry. To me it sounds like he has cheated on you with this charming woman, let alone lied and lied to you about drugs. You do deserve much better you know. I know we're anonymous voices on the internet, but everyone should have a shot at happiness. I don't think you and the children will get it with this man. What about concentrating on building yourself up, your confidence and self esteem. You will turn around one day and realise you don't need this dead weight in your life.

Really, they don't take children away because you have PND. About a quarter of the children in the country would be in care if that were the case.

Basically he knows the one thing you'd do anything for is your babies, so he threatens you with taking them away. Get past the horror of that image and start thinking rationally. Does he even want to take them off you? Wouldn't they cramp his style? Would SS take two loved children off their mother and hand them over to a drug-addict stepmother? Not likely is it.

I say start making plans to move back to your support network. It wouldn't be taking the DCs away from their father unless he chooses not to move back with you. What, after all, is tying him to the new area, other than some rather unpleasant woman who lets him do drugs in her house?

You have nothing to be ashamed of, you haven't done anything wrong, just trusted and stood by your man when it appeared he was trying to get clean. Now you know the truth, though. You can't un-know it so... time to make sensible plans.

I didn't explain it all very well. It's because I yammer and make no sense when I'm in the state I was in earlier.

This girl is a girl he knows from doing drugs while we lived in London, she don't live round here. She is the same age as me and is also a mum although tbh letting people inc strangers and those she doesn't really know, do drugs in her home while her young child is there makes her a shite mum imo but there you go.

I can't move back to where I'm from, I can't afford it and anyway my sister and mum will both be living way down in the southwest by next year and they are the only family I care about other than my own kids ofcourse. They'd never see their dad if I moved their and while the baby wouldn't know any different my 4 year old would be devestated. Thrilled to have her nanny, aunty and cousins but upset at not having daddy nearby. I don't ever want to hurt my DC. My oldest in particular already been through enough because me and her dad have split up a few times before (Mostly his selfish behaviour and puting his family first as opposed to "our" family first, his mates first, his interests etc).

To be fair to him he hasn't made me this way. I have had depression on and off since I was a child. I first attempted suicide when I was 11. Been on AD's since 12 again on and off. My past is not pretty. I haven't attempted suicide since the wee dried on the pregnancy test I did when I found I was expecting DC1 though. I wont lie, I've thought about it a few times since I moved here and then literally 2 weeks later found out what a total mug I'd been. I haven't done anything. I guess I'm also angry because despite the stressful pregnancy, moving away from my family and having a new baby I'd been doing so well- my old HV was thrilled for me that I was coping so well and then this all kicked off and bam! I needed the drugs again just to get back on an even keel

I'm sorry I'm moaning I don't mean to be so selfpitying. But I can't talk to anyone. I don't have any close friends anymore and my family have probably had enough of me so can't talk to them. TBH this is almost like a diary- can't get it all out and no one need ever know who the fuck I am. Thank you if you read any of these ramblings. It's got to be better than taking it out on my children. (bad-tempered I am at times but not violent). I wish I was a better mum and not so pathetic.