Would this piss you off?

[crocodilebaby]

been with dh 9 years, married 3, have 2 dcs, yet he and his ex still text frequently (no kids together) and both end texts with" love you and miss you loads". Told him before it pisses me off but he can't see anything wrong with it. I just don't think it's appropriate for him to be telling another woman he loves her.
Then on Monday it was his birthday, he gets a text in the morning, looks at his phone and says, oh it's phone company, I only ever get messages off them - goes on to say what message says. When I look at his phone later it was off her. When I confronted him he says he lied because he thought it would upset me that it was her??
I think that they are still emotionally involved, what do you think?
I was really angry that he 'd lied to me,but he just doesn't get it. A bunch of flowers next day and a quick " I'm sorry" and he thinks it's sorted.

I'm all for staying on good terms with an ex if at all possible, there's enough ill-feeling and upset in the world. So if you can't/don't want to stay in a relationship but can still be friendly, fine.

But would i be cheesed off with my partner of 9 years getting 'miss you loads' texts from their ex - oh yes. It sounds like the texts are too regular and too lovey-dovey for me to be comfortable.

Would he be happy if the shoe was on the other foot? And why have you let this go on for so long if you're not happy about it? Is she is another relationship now?

How very, very strange, did they split up mutally croc or was it one ended the relationship?

It would upset me immensly, why would a man who is married, been with his DW for 9 years have 2 children together still be texting "love you and miss you" to an ex or to anybody for the fact other than family?

OP is the ex in a relationship?

I'm all for keeping on good terms with ex partners, but this is a massive stretch. Does he respond the same way?

crocodile are you going to come back to this thread?

thanks for the replies and for making me see that this is just not on at all.
yes, she is in a relationship now, with a child, and living in another country,so they don't see each other anymore. she finished their relationship which he didn't see coming at all, he came home from work one day and she had gone.
i don't know why i've let it go on so long, everytime i bring it up he's always sorry and says he won't do it again- but he does. this is what pisses me off most, that he knows it upsets me but continues to do it. he deletes all his texts and emails from her straight away now, so its only the odd ones i read.

It's time to show him this thread so that he can see what we can see, which is that you've got more than enough grounds to divorce the deluded twunt for unreasonable behaviour.

I've got no doubt that you and the dc will be considerably better off in every way without this self-centred, self-absorbed twat in your lives.

'Always sorry, always says he wont do it again'? Yeah, right. Wake up Mr Crocodile - it's time you realised what a deluded, churlish, prick you've been.

Your wife and your dc deserve a lot better than you.

Either shape up or ship your sorry arse off to the woman who left you in her wake years ago and, despite the fact that she's continued to toy with you and use you to boost her ego, will have no compunction about doing it to you again whenever it suits her.

You're her yesterday's leavings, honey, and if you continue to carry on the way you have been doing, you'll be Croc's too - and not before time.

What a sad dish of leftovers you are, Mr Croc. Knowing the needless hurt you've caused your wife and, by default, your dc, how can you even bear to look at yourself in the mirror?

From your last post Op I can see how it might be (or have been) and unresolved ishooo for your DP - she upped and left, he doesn't know why and obviously still has feelings for her. And now she's so far away there a bit of the rose-tinted-specs/forbidden fruit thing going on......

However, she seems to be reciprocating his contact and has a family herself now. And it's been going on 9 years. OP, would he consider going to Relate with you, to try and thrash things out once and for all? He really is a berk if he thinks things can carry on like this.

sorry, an unresolved ishooo

crocodile - have you had any thoughts on how you will start to deal with this with him?

I would think if it has been going on with your knowledge for all these years, it must be difficult to finally say enough is enough, but you know that you have to do that, don't you?

Would this piss me off? Hell yes. Which begs the question why the hell have you put up with it for 9 years, married him and had two kids?!

Sorry OP but it does sound like he never cut the emotional ties. I find it sad that you've put up with it for so long, why?

This is so not on. I wonder how HE would feel if the shoe were on the other foot. He will be telling you soon you are paranoid. If we didn't live in the world of mobile phones/texts, would he think it was equally alright to be writing her actual frequent love letters, because what he is doing is a modern day equivilant of nine years of frequent love letters, love and miss you loads says it all really. LOVE AND MISS YOU LOADS, quite a statement.

Pissed off beyond belief. I can even feel the rage myself!

I concur with all the above.
You've been too soft with him.
He needs a wake-up call.
I would have kicked him to the curb a long, long time ago.
Silly, thoughtless, wants-it-all, selfish man.

Blimey, I'm stunned! I'm a prolific hugger, kisser, overuser of the words 'love' and 'darling' ... and am mightily shocked by their "love you and miss you loads"! Totally not on.

More to the point, of course, is what Dione said: he doesn't seem much bothered by your feelings, so I'm afraid he's already demonstrated where his priorities are. Repeatedly. Over nine years.

Totally out of order, no way should you stand for this.

She is clearly 'unfinished business' for him (as she left him) but that's no excuse - it's extremely disrespectful to you to carry on like this.

It sounds awfully much like he's hedging his bets. If she ditched her current man and came back to the UK what would he do - dump you and go back to her?

He needs sorting out, but I wouldn't show him this thread as izzywhizzyspecanpie suggested - it will give him ammunition to complain that you've been talking about him behind his back, which he can twist round to make your fault.

Would it piss me off - hell yeah!

It's quite clear that there's a corner of his heart still reserved for her.

My suggestions are only offered after some considerable thought, HappyHubbie and on this occasion the selfish, insensitive, twat needs to know that if Croc went public with this revelation he'd be subject to universal condemnation and, most probably, more than a degree of derision.

I would imagine that his friends and colleagues alike would greet the news of the way he signs off his texts to his ex of at least 9+ years ago with disbelief that he could act in such a disrespectful and uncaring manner to his dw.

I very much doubt that anyone could be filled with admiration at his chutzpah. In fact, I can envisage him being subjected to more than a modicum of blokey ridicule that he's allowed his ex to put a ring through his nose while he was putting a ring on Croc's finger and still lets said ex tug his chain to the present day, even though he knows it's causing great hurt to his wife.

As for the twat trying to 'twist' Croc's thread around to blame her should she show it to him, IMO only in his and your dreams would he be able to do that.

If he should attempt such a foolhardy feat, all Croc has to do is say "in the event that mumsnetters have got it wrong, let's take a straw poll of our friend and relatives and see what they think of your 'love you and miss you loads' to your ex - do you want to ask them or shall I?".

For 'friend' please substitute friends - I suspect that, even if he only has one, Croc has many.

I'd be fucking raging!

Maybe you should call their bluff? Maybe text/email her pretending to be your DH and say "Croc has kicked me out! Now we can be together!" Or something. Hopefully she'll message back with a panicky "what?! Nooooooooo! That can't happen! I don't actually want you!" Might bring him down to earth a bit

I don'y understand why he buys you flowers everytime you get upset about this. Surely the most effective and ecomical solution would be to not text soppy messages to this woman? Who btw probably gets a hell of an ego boost from this- a man she used to date, now married to someone else still hold a torch for her. sad desperate cow.

BTW I'm not saying you should do what I just said. But I wish I'd done that when faced with similar cicumstances a while back. I was too busy raging like a wronged psychopath though.

maybe you have sorted this out by now ,i hope so! As a occasional texter to my ex husband I can definitely say it is not normal to say love you, lol, miss you etc. If their is no valid reason for maintaining a relationship,i.e kids, then there seems to me no reason for texts at all.Even if she is soppy he need not reply with the same sentiment.You have put up with this for a long time, I would put a stop to it now, don't make a big deal about it,( bit late really), but make your man aware of the new rules.Then move on , see what happens. It would not be unreasonable to tell the other woman to leave your man alone too. Just a short message ,polite and firm, let her know you are on to her.If she carries on your man will have to tell her himself. If he carries on ,well ,thats gonna be a problem.Do not accept flowers anymore. Truth only! best of luck