I am shocked at myself have I been indenial all these years

[waterside]

First off just want to say I have name change (well added a new account actually couldnt figure out t'other and felt in a rush just to post). I am not a troll although i am v aware that some of the issues in my life sound really dramatic and unbelievable.

I just felt I have to post tonight to get some opinions. I do love my Mum I really do but she basically excused a period of sexual abuse i went through as a young girl by my then "supposed" father who subsequently died of cancer whilst i was still young. Because of the cancer situation it was like the abuse was excused. i have felt proud of myself for all these years as being "a forgiver" "not letting the past get to me " getting on with my life. i am now thinking perhaps I was more affected than I thought i most definitely have self esteem issues and denial issues I comfort eat to heaven but i am also very good at ignoring things or "trusting" things will work out in the end. My mother has issues too obviously her latest completely overreacting about me not going to hers boxing day - she seems to see the past in a different light too and "rewrites history". I was shocked to discover the other day that my brain wont let me compute when the last act of abuse happened (ie when i finally told) it wasnt what i would could very serious sexual abuse but action should have happened I should not have been forced to play happy families on occasions and why on earth did I?

I cant figure out whether it is worth dragging all this up ? what good will it do? Will i benefit as an adult to finally face reality . All Ican think about is that I will upset my Mother and other memebrs of my family. I love Christmas and get ridic excited about it but the last act of abuse happened christmas day and i cant bear the thought of christmasdays forevermore being ruined for me :-( I dont know what to do or feel

just want to add Iknow the last act of abuse was on christmas day but my brain wont let me work out how old I was i am finding it weird and distressing!

Hi Waterside,
I have name changed to answer because this subject is very close to my heart. I know that you don't want to cause or experience pain, but for your own psychological survival you need to work through this. You have done really well to post about it - I know only too well the pressure you face from feeling that you have to 'get on with things' and the added responsibility of not 'letting the past get to you'.

Of course it will get to you. I know from bitter experience. I strongly suspect that it was just to painful for your mother to lose the whole family structure and feel as though she were a failure and I thin you have probably known that on some level and tried to measure up.

Very, very well done for making a start and beginning to realise that you deserve to go on a journey of healing. I know it sounds like talk show claptrap but really it isn't. I can recommend a book called The Courage To Heal - it helped me hugely. The child you were and the woman you are needs answers and healing. Private message me any time at all and I will get back to you.

Please do be kind to yourself and rest now if you can.

P.S. None of it sounds unbelievable. You deserve to be heard and acknowledged.

Thank you so much for replying. I am sorry to rehash bad experiences for you.

Sometimes I just feel bad like I should feel worse then I do ...but i know I am scared to face stuff. I think my mother has mental health issues she has histories of dysfunctional relationships, lying etc on the face of it my siblings have suffered more their lives are more effed up or have I just made better less self destructive decisions?

I will look at the book I need courage I just cant face up to this I think.

I understand what you mean about not being able to compute. Many years ago I was raped, last year I finally plucked up the courage to do something about it. I could remember it vividly, but I couldn't, for the life of me, work out what year it happened in. I had to sit with the police and work back slowly to try and sort out exactly when.

You will get there, I found it hugely cathartic to be able to pass some of the burden on to someone else. Give yourself time, be kind to yourself. You will find an amazing amount of support here, there were times when the lovely posters on Mumsnet really kept me going.

Yes, you deserve to be heard and acknowledged. As well as hearing you, I salute you on having realised what's happening to your own mind (not easy) and being ready to admit that you're both hurt and being pulled by the happy-family mirage. Sounds like your denial is over. Congrats!

You're right that rethinking your past - and, to an extent, your identity - is difficult. Nobody would choose to do it for fun. It raises some quite nasty questions about your family and you're likley to go through an uncomfortable period of seeing them with two pairs of eyes, as it were - the out-of-focus ones (denial) and a fresh pair with clear vision (awareness). No-one chooses this, but no-one chooses to be abused either :( The choice then is whether to deal with it properly or keep running.

As you'll have seen if you visit the Stately Homes threads, the truth will not go away now you've seen it. You can stuff it back, bolt the door, but it demands to be brought out of the back room. At that point, you've either got to get working on it or start hiding in self-damaging behaviours like addictions and stuff. Namechange's advice is good, particularly about allowing yourself to rest. It's surprising how emotional work exhausts you.

Wrt Christmas, does it feel okay to do a deal with yourself? Wear the denial for a week, enjoy the warm family fluffiness, then address your recovery in earnest afterwards? If it doesn't, maybe there'll be another compromise.

Perhaps your mother has been in denial too. I detested my mother for years for similar reasons. She's been dead 11 years now but I think I finally understand a lot of her perspective although I still feel angry at times.

You've probably made different decisions because you were under pressure. It isn't really useful to think about who suffered more in childhood because it's so subjective and each of you will have your own stories. Whether or not you can function as a family or not depends on how supportive you can be of one and another and avoiding misery top trumps - which goes on in most families.

I think that you have to be prepared to go it alone. I was sexually abused by my 4 older brothers until I was 14 and then by my father in my 20s. I have autistic traits and was in the middle of getting a divorce and my father tried to exploit the opportunity. It made me feel filthy. It still does even though I have my lovely husband and children. Getting over it is a work in progress. I'm not trying to hijack your thread just offer support and solidarity. None of my family speak to me any more and for the first year it hurt. Now I could leap with joy because they were the ones keeping me in a very difficult, demanding and damaging role.

I am here for you.

thank you all the strangest thing is we were not even a happy family anyway - Mother was married three times - there was always some drama going on she had lots of us children I feel like she was only with my "supposed father the abuser" for money/ to manipulate her way to a better life - she got back with him after 3rd husband left her - she suffered mentally too all I ever feel for her is pity and annoyance not anger though I am not sure I could ever face her about this. garlicnutter I am perfectly happy to pretend all is well in world ( it will be anyway within my own"world") other I only intend to see my mother one day over christmas period I find it easy to "forget" if you like. But you are all right I need to deal with this to find out if I am really the woman I am meant to be I feel I have many flaws - day dreamer , low esteem,too soft/laid back, addicted to eating etc.

There are others who have suffered so much worse than me - possibly due to my mothers behaviour?- both my brothers have psychiatric disorders, one of my other sisters seems to be on a self destruct button with drink/drugs /men etc If i told you it all would seem unbelievable but I have cocooned myself away a good hours drive from most of it!

namechange you are so strong an inspiration I applaud you thank you for letting me see the other side.

Hi Waterside - for what it's worth, I believe you. It was wrong, it shouldn't have happened but (sadly) there was nothing you could have done to prevent it - you were a child.

I do however, think you're incredibly brave for posting and for taking the first steps toward whatever your resolution will be. It will become clear what's right for you so go easy on yourself for the time being.

It's not surprising that your brain won't let you work out when the last instance of abuse was - the brain does odd things to protect us! Maybe you'll remember, maybe you won't. I would suggest that you don't put yourself under any pressure.

Take care and post here as much as you want - lots of support and advice.

How are you this morning? Be gentle with yourself today please

thank you all so much , I am fine I keep thinking about it but in a detached sense. How have I coped so far with all this? Surely my life should be a mess now? I am truly thankful I met my husband at 18 and started a new life for myself though it really does make me realise how lucky I am. To be honest I think I am more traumatised by a miscarriage I suffered 9 years ago. They are different tragedies of course and I don't mean to trivialise but I feel so detached from what happened when I was younger. At 16 I made a pact to myself to forgive, forget, keep looking forward I think the forgetting bit has been harmful in other ways subconscious ways like the way I can eat to destroy myself.

I find it so puzzling what my brain is doing to me - it can't be right. I sat down and tried to work out on a calculator how old I would be on this such and such a date and couldn't. I remembered vividly being wowed by a programme that day so i looked it up - was first made in 1991 I was 13. Or possibly it was the year after and I was 14. He had cancer at this point and my mother maintains it made his brain funny. I think no-one believed me to be honest. He sat me down and denied it in front of everyone shouting at me, I didn't fight, I didn't want to cause a fuss. At the time I thought this man was actually my father so I loved him too we would still have a normal/father daughter relationship little cuddles etc I kept denying to myself at the time it was happening. I wonder if other members of my family saw me behave like this and presume to this day I made it all up? Apparently he did "confess" on his deathbed though. Mum was happy to beleive me when they were having one of their arguments and she wanted to get rid of him. She often maintains that if she wasn't with him we would have all been in homes, we wouldn't have gone to good schools.

Thank you all just for listening I am not upset or anything really Im just wondering and puzzled about this whole situation and as Ive said before puzzled by my brain and the funny things it does!

Hi Waterside,
I think Rhinestone is right - your brain is protecting you. You ask how you've coped with it so far, I think that your brain has refused to engage with it at all to stop you having to question everything.

I suppose that for your mother, it is important to keep reiterating that your home life and education was vastly improved by his presence in your lives. She probably can't bear to acknowledge that he was as harmful as he was.

Keep us posted