S&M in a relationship

[ginlet]

I didn't want to derail a thread, but apologies for starting a thread off the back of one, that I understand is Poor Form. But anyway...

I'm just curious about people's experiences of S&M in a relationship and views on this. I'd rather not go into the judgeypants bit, as I'm of the opinion that each to their own, as long as you are consenting and compatible.

I'm in a relationship with someone and BDSM/S&M is important when it comes to sexy time for us, though I do know my boundaries (faceslapping - not for me), but I'm reflecting on a few things...

• Why are such interactions so intense?
• For me, I'm strong and independent in Real Life, in the bedroom, I prefer a submissive role
• Has anyone found overspill into everyday life? eg. I've found myself becoming submissive with him in Real Life.

Over to you anyway...

Agree with mal

And steering well clear of face slapping thread, too scared!!

I would say monogamy is natural and normal. :)

It doesnt mean you should stay with the same person for life if you are unhappy in the relationship, but very few people want to share their partner with others, or expect their partner to be happy to share them either.

I'm into BDSM and really enjoy face slapping. On sites like informed consent, face slapping will divide opinion, with some loving and some hating. So I was surprised to see a man who doesn't define himself as dominant and actively seeking a sub expressing an interest (not that they wouldn't but just that it would take a lot of trust/confidence to introduce it in a new 'vanilla' relationship).

I don't see it spilling into my daily life and I wouldn't want it to. But there are plenty of people who aspire to 247 D/s, and some can view the rest of us as not being serious BDSMers.

I agree with much of what SGB has already said.

So can I ask those of you who indulge, do your roles in the bedroom spill over at all in RL? If its D/S do you ever feel its demeaning to either of you? Or is that the point? Apologies if this is naive, I just don't get it

Forgotten what the initial thread was about now but i'll ramble on anyway...

If you thought the face slapping stuff was a bit peculiar check out Taken in Hand relationships. There's a whole world of 'wtf?!!' waiting for you there...

Anyway...i think, due entirely to the roles women have been forced into adopting over the years (chattel, dutiful wife and mother, dominant empowered working feminist etc etc.) we tend to be a bit cautious when we find ourselves happy in a role that is not in vogue. The shoulder padded business woman of the 80s is long gone but we're still not quite secure enough to be the woman we are most comfortable with. for some that is the 50s housewife for others the aggressive she-wolf. Its equally difficult for men though, something we always seem to forget, that men are squeezed into characterisations of what they should be and not what they truly are because our culture demands that of them. Yesterdays woman's hour had a group of women saying how awful it would be to have a husband who cried all the time like a woman!! Its no fucking wonder men can be emotionally retarded when they've spent generations having to suppress feelings that society deems appropriate for little girls and not for little boys.

Sex is a great way of balancing out all the bullshit. If you have to spend all day dressing up as working girl to come home and be 'darling, your bath is ready' is very therapeutic. Likewise for a man who may have to be in charge at work all the time its nice to have a powerful woman to tell him what to do.

I dont think there is a set way for men or women its just society ironing out all the possibilities until we're free to be whatever we want. For women playing the cake baking, dinner on the table, blow-job before bed wife is cathartic as it helps eradicate that time in our cultural past when we had no power at all.

I am extremely submissive in the bedroom and the exact opposite outside of it..strong, confident, very independent etc. My OH is very dominant in the bedroom but quite mild mannered and sweet outside it.
I trust my OH implicitly because we have the sub/dom roles and he pretty much has carte Blanche during sex.
I read the face slapping thread..the thing I got from it was that OP's new man asked how she felt about it, he didn't just assume he could simply because she'd enjoyed some other lighter s&m. Obviously it's important to make sure both parties are happy with what's going on. Luckily for my OH and I we discovered early on in our relationship that we were very well suited sexually and I do believe that plays an important part of a successful relationship.

Now this is my kind of thread. I'll be back tomorrow ;-)

Back in history when I was having sex, I loved a bit of BDSM. Like many of the other posters, I loved being sub when in real life I was quite dominant. It is not unusual. Being sub in fantasy is a real outlet for those whose lives revolve around them being in power (see Max Mosley and many politicians for example).

However even within the BDSM relationship, the sub is the one with the power.

I so want to join in with this thread but feel my experiences have been so out of context with a sub/dom relationship that I can't really comment. Must say I have felt uncomfortable with the way subs get referred to on IC a few times, pushing boundaries (how do I get a two hole sub to become a three hole sub for example, it was obvious it was not an area that his sub wanted to go into).
I have a preference for it but it does disturb me to some degree as that combined with other emotional long term problems has led me to a couple of bad situations.
Safe, Sane and Consensual, that would be fine if that was what everyone involved in the scene truly believed.

Like many of the posters, my DW is strong and independant usually, but in the bedroom likes to take a more submissive role. I am of the opinion that as long as you're both enjoying it there is little/no harm in partaking.
I think personally that the interactions are so strong because the dominant is taking control (in some cases total) over the submissive and that there is something very intense in totally giving up control overyourself.
In terms of does it ever spill over, ours has never left the bedroom, unless it's a spontaneous sexual thing.

Well, fridakahlo, no. It sounds as if you came across an inexperienced dom who was asking advice. A dom cannot simply force his will on a sub (as is usually assumed). The sub has the power and therefore only agrees to the dom's wishes if that is what they want. It is up to the dom to convince the sub and there is always the safety word if the sub wants to stop.

So all the advice on how to do this that he was recieving from other people was just inexperienced doms joining in?

Just dropping in! Have already stated on another thread that there is a huge amount of money to be earned from bdsm photos/videos on the internet - up to £100,000 per year.

Not suggesting that anyone who is happy with this scene should stop but simply want to make you aware that, if photography is suggested, you should give your consent (model release). Also, for those of you who don't know the guy so well, look out for hidden cameras!