Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Flip

Original poster

Will abusers always go on to abuse others?

15 replies

MorrisZapp · 23/11/2011 14:42

A very dear friend of mine ended an abusive marriage 2 years ago, but they have DC together so there's no getting him out of her life completely.

He has a new partner, they've been together for over a year and she thinks that my friend is a lying psycho (much like my friend thought about his previous ex when she first met him).

Is this man definitely going to go on to abuse his new partner? Or is there a chance that he won't - maybe if he thinks he can't get away with it? At present, the new partner thinks the abuser is a devoted family man who has had a lucky escape from a lying psychopath.

Is it inevitable that he will show his true colours sooner or later? He emotionally and sexually abused my friend for about 6 years.

OP posts:

Original poster

MorrisZapp · 23/11/2011 14:43

... and he waited 2 years before first abusing her. Up til then he was a loving partner.

OP posts:

Proudnscary · 23/11/2011 14:44

I think you know the answer to this...

cestlavielife · 23/11/2011 14:45

it doesnt augur well does it?

i would say no he wont have changed unless he has had an eiphany...

Original poster

MorrisZapp · 23/11/2011 14:47

It seems obvious, but I dunno. I see them on FB all smiley and perfect (they're wealthy professionals) and I just wonder. Would he dare? Would she let him?

Also, they don't have kids and it was the kids he always used as manipulation tools.

OP posts:

BertieBotts · 23/11/2011 14:52

It's quite likely. People who abuse don't tend to change unless they have serious years of therapy - and often they don't seek this out because they genuinely believe they're in the right and they either block out the terrible things they have done or think their partners/exes are blowing things out of proportion by being upset by it. They really think they are "devoted family men" (or women) because their idea of family and their role within that is so skewed.

Or he might go on to find someone like my ex did who is even more messed up and psychopathic than he is (Still, find it hard to believe ex was blameless here.)

BertieBotts · 23/11/2011 14:53

It hasn't been 2 years though, has it? And anyway, being smiley on facebook means nothing, could be genuine, could be a front.

AnyFucker · 23/11/2011 14:55

I think, in the scenario you describe, it is highly likely

High flying professionals get abused too, no matter how much they smile on FB

LittleWarmHouse · 23/11/2011 17:34

High flying professional here, escaped from a cunningly disguised EA man everybody loves. He has hooked up with a fellow HFP and is all loved up with her and I am sure they and their friends all think I was unreasonable and bonkers to walk away from my comfortable life to live in my eponymous Little House.

Why does it matter what happens? If he treats her well and they are happy together that would be a good thing wouldn't it? And if your friend has left and is recovering then it shouldn't matter a jot to her. Stop looking on Facebook!

Is she/are you sort of hoping he will be outed as a monster and she will be vindicated as Right All Along? Unlikely! He will be cleverer than that.

I'm glad your friend got away but she isn't truly healed until she doesn't give a jot what he is up to.

Anniegetyourgun · 23/11/2011 18:03

I think all you need to know is contained in the fact that he has painted yet another ex as a lying psycho. As long as he continues to do that it shows that he has no regrets about treating his partners that way, and therefore, slim to no chance that he will change. If he were honest with his new partner he wouldn't have to warn her not to believe a word the last one said, would he? He might not come out and admit he abused her, but at least he wouldn't blame her for the fault which in fact was his.

Anyway, new woman won't believe a word the old one says so... just give her the phone number and say call me up if you ever want to talk. That's the decent thing to do I think.

NotSuchASmugMarriedNow · 23/11/2011 19:42

how do you know that the new girlfriend thinks that the ex wife is a lying pscho?

Original poster

MorrisZapp · 23/11/2011 22:49

They are all embroiled in a bitter custody dispute.

I do understand that abuse happens in all sections of society - my friend was a victim for 6 years, and she's as mc as they are.

I dunno, I think maybe some bitter part of me wanted to hear that this guy wouldn't change and that new gf would have to eat her words, but of course I don't want that to actually happen. She doesn't deserve it any more than my friend did.

OP posts:

SolidGoldVampireBat · 23/11/2011 22:54

He won't change. He hates women. He doesn;t consider them human, they are objects that exist for his benefit, and when he's broken one he throws it away and gets another.

Your friend might find it beneficial to contact this shitbag's XW-before-herself for a bit of mutual support.

Original poster

MorrisZapp · 23/11/2011 23:00

I did consider that solid, now that my friend has sympathy for the ex. I wonder if the ex would tell her to stuff it though. I don't want to talk about detail as its ongoing, but there are other criminal proceedings in the pipeline and the ex might be a valuable witness.

OP posts:

squeakytoy · 23/11/2011 23:23

I would say it is very likely. Not 100% definate though.

Some people bring out the absolute worst in each other. They trigger actions that are simply due to that particular relationship.

I have an ex who I was with for 4 years when we were teens. He hit me. I forgave him. He did it a second time. (this was at the end of the 4 years and for the first 3 and half he had never laid a finger on me, even during blazing rows) I finished with him because of that.

I know I was as fiery as him. I know I was antagonistic. I know I pushed limits. I am not saying that is ever an excuse to hit someone, but I do know that my own behaviour towards the end of that relationship was also questionable.

That was 24 years ago. We are still in touch, and he has been married for 20 years. We still get on well, (lot of history, family stuff etc).. and he assures me (and i have no reason to doubt it) that what happened between us back then was something he regrets deeply (he was 22) and something he has never ever repeated.

On the other side of the coin, I have also known men who have been abusive in every relationship that they have been in.

I would say in conclusion that if the abuse has not occurred in previous relationships but just the one, then there is a chance that it might not happen in the next one, but the odds are usually stacked against it.

SolidGoldVampireBat · 24/11/2011 00:12

I agree, squeaky: some relationships are just all wrong and people can behave horribly to one partner (and get the same back). However, anyone who has had more than a couple of 'psycho XPs' is generally someone to run a mile from. Because if s/he isn't abusive, s/he is fucked up and repeating some sort of unhappy pattern, and life is too short to get mixed up with messed up people.

Flip