Other People's Love Lives, - should I butt out, or meddle for all I'm worth?

[tigermoll]

OKay, this is the (long) sitch:

My DP has a lovely brother, who is single. He and my DP are v close (as brothers should be) and the BIL has expressed a desire to find someone nice and settle down. However, he is a)picky and b) quite shy with the ladies, and so has been single for the past few years.

Enter my best friend. She is lovely and newly single. I had never considered them as a potential couple, (she is an extremely driven, fiery and pro-active country girl, he is a laid-back, sweet-but-not-assertive, city pidgeon) but they met, and my friend expressed to me a desire that BIL should ask her out. I was surprised, but passed on the message, he duly did, and they went out. My DP and I made a pact that we would NOT pass information between the two of us, - I would keep my friend's secrets and he would keep his brother's, and we would NOT discuss it with each other or act as a route of communication between the two lovers.

The date went well enough to result in bedroom action, and BIL has spent the time since mooning about the flat in a lovestruck daze. Meanwhile, best friend has told me that she 'isn't sure' if she likes him, or if she just wants him 'as a friend'. In my experience, this is a bad sign, - you know if you like someone, and 'not being sure' means that you aren't that keen. So I was expecting a saddened BIL when he heard the bad news.

But now he says that she has invited him to stay with her for the weekend. I have a strong feeling that best friend is not behaving well, - she is a little bit naive about how dating works, and can be a bit wishful about how the world is, ie: she is very good at convincing herself that the world is the way she wants it to be. She enjoys his attraction to her, (who wouldn't?) and likes the idea of going out with him, but isn't that keen when it gets down to it. I think she has fed herself this 'just as friends' line, and thinks that that is how he sees her too, to make everything ok. When he doesn't. I fear he is riding to heartbreak.

So, should I:
a) Give my friend a firm talking to about being clear with people about how you feel/not messing people about?
b)Tell BIL not to get his hopes up/encourage him strongly to have a clear talk with best friend about 'where this is going'?
c)Just leave it well alone, and risk BIL's bitterness with me that I introduced him to a heart-breaking harpy, and best friend's irritation that I've embroiled her in a messy breakup?

a)

She's your friend, isn't she, so you should be able to have this conversation. If you've misjudged her/the situation, then she can put you right on it.
Nothing to lose, it's not as if you're gossiping about BIL.

failing that, c) - but c)'s a bit over cautious - i.e. lazy.

Not b).
b) is patronising, meddling and weird.

Yup, I go with the a) option too.

It's early days, leave them to it. That she's not sure if it's going to be a grand love affair or not yet, doesn't mean she will hurt him.

Butt out. Definitely.

Hmmm....I agree that B isn't really on the cards.

I could do it the REALLY cowardly and lazy way, and tell my DP to hint to his brother that he's heard from me that my best friend isn't that keen and not to get his hopes up. But then I remember that none of us are FOURTEEN ANYMORE

Argh....then thing is, although I have a strong and natural desire to meddle, I KNOW that it is generally best to keep one's sticky beak out of other people's lovelives. But I feel that I'm sort of repsonsible for this one, and want it to go well. Like when you rescue a baby bird, nurse it back to health and then don't want to see it killed by a fox.

c)

they are grown ups

you have introduced them, what happens after that is up to them (and certainly nothing to do with your influence

oh, and perhaps take up a hobby

a)

c). I agree about the hobby too. Without wishing to seem unkind, when I read this I wondered out loud how you had the time to worry to this extent! (Says the woman posting on an internet forum instead of working )

Hmmm, AF.....I was rather hoping that meddling could become my new hobby. That, or bird-nursing.

If either of them have half a brain of their own, they won't blame you if their dating goes nowhere or ends badly. It's between them.

You do get to preen, take the credit and buy a hat if it works out, 'though.

bird nursing would be more useful

Without wishing to seem unkind, when I read this I wondered out loud how you had the time to worry to this extent!

You actually wondered out loud, PP?

I was just taking a break from performing cold fusion and brokering peace talks in the Middle East.

So, because I am concerned about my friends, you assume I must lead an empty life? Harsh!

touche PP

One person's meddling is another person's kind helpfulness.

So ner.

Ah, I did say, sincerely, without wishing to seem unkind, and yes, it was out loud . And au contraire, I wondered how you would have the time(in these distinctly un-carefree days) to mull. Precisely because I assumed you must be too busy.

I'm too busy for any of this, far too much to do. #sniff#

PP, you know as well as I do that putting 'without wishing to be unkind' in front of something has the same effect as prefacing something with 'no offence, but' or 'I'm not being mean, but', ie: doesn't stop the next thing you say from sounding unkind

You 'wonder how I have the time to worry'? Because, presumably, being concerned about my friends is so unutterably trivial that only the most empty, vaccuous existence would permitt the leisure for such speculation?

I hope I shall NEVER be 'too busy' to think about my friends!

(tosses head in sanctimonious fashion and flounces with handbag)

I flounced before you, but yes, you got me, your summary of my thoughts is correct

Stop distracting me, I'm busy.

An accurate assessment, Gloria. I shall beak out.

And PP? (dances around waggling hands on side of head, blowing raspberries in an effort to distract)

I think it's inevitable that you will only ever be party to an edited and distorted version of whats happening in the relationship.
What I mean is you're not really in a position to 'meddle' helpfully because you'll never have the full story.
Surely the best you can do is be a supportive listening ear or shoulder to cry on if necessary?

oi you two, knock it off

or I shall have to bang your heads together

tiger have you considered cross stitch ?

Damn! OK, I'm distracted. In more ways than one.

What's this all about again???

I did used to cross stitch, actually, when I was a much younger tiger than I am now. Possibly I could embroider a sample with a brief precis of my concerns and leave it lying around the flat for BIL to find.

that's a nice touch... subtle

a sampler with "DON'T BE A SAP, YOU LOSER" stitched prettily should do it