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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Please help me to get back to normal again, exp has new girlfriend and I'm finding it hard

27 replies

NeedHelpPlease · 23/11/2011 13:13

We split about 16 months ago, have a 3 yr old ds. He has recently started seeing a new woman who he met on the internet. They seem to have been together for about 2 months, but he is reluctant to tell me exactly how long he has known her for some reason. Over the past year we have had sex a few times, and he has basically been trying to get back with me for some reason (not sure why as he ended the relationship originally).
When he first told me he was seeing someone, I felt pleased really, a bit sad but ok. It then transpired that he wanted our ds to meet her, something I was not happy about because I felt that they hadn't been together long enough really, if it was me I think I would leave it 6 months to a year before introducing a new partner. She has a 6 year old boy who has also been introduced to exp, so obviously they don't have the same feelings that I do regarding introductions to new partners. Anyway ds had met her and her ds now. She lives about an hour away and dp wants to take ds to visit, which I am not happy about really, but I suppose I haven't really got any grounds to object as he is ds's parent too.
I am doing a college course at the moment, and I have been unable to do any work for it since I found out about all this, I feel so upset and abandoned again really, I was fine, everything was going well, then this happens and I am knocked for 6 really. I didn't sleep at all last night, maybe a couple of hours, I am so angry with him. I feel he has left me, used me for emotional support until he met someone else, then dropped me just like that. Also, because she lives away from here, suddenly my child care on weekends is gone, because if I'm not working, he is going to stay at her house. I should mention that I work 3 evevings per week, and he generally looks after ds while I work, if he's not going out.
If anyone could give me any advice on how I can get back to normal and function properly again I would be so grateful. I was doing really well, in fact only a couple of days before I was thinking how happy I was with how my life was going, and I felt I was really getting somewhere. I just feel now I have no control over things and I just have to react to what he does. It is harder becasue of my work patterns, so we can't have a regular routine with regards to ds seeing ex. Thanks if you managed to get this far.
d

OP posts:
Original poster
NeedHelpPlease · 23/11/2011 13:14

Have name changed btw, posted about this in lone parents last week, but had the thread deleted as too much personal info.

OP posts:
Original poster
NeedHelpPlease · 23/11/2011 13:25

Sorry to go on, I just feel so hurt and upset, today I texted him and he said not to contact him at work unless it's an emergency, and all I could think was he wouldn't say that to her. I know that my place is not as his girlfriend anymore, but we were friends until recently, and it hurts.

OP posts:
tinkerbell41 · 23/11/2011 13:29

hija..sorry i have no advice for u but didnt want to not answer your message....i,m just in the middle of splitting up with my man and i am devastd so i know how u mus tb feeling ......sorry i,m of no help but just wanted to send u a hug and let u know someone cares..

Original poster
NeedHelpPlease · 23/11/2011 13:32

Thanks, it's shit isn't it. Hope you are ok, hug to you too x

OP posts:
tallwivglasses · 23/11/2011 13:32

Hmm, I'm suspecting he's being shady about when he met OW because he was still sleeping with you at the time. Which makes him a bit of a dick...and now he's with her you'll have a proper chance to move on, instead of prolonging the agony. What a weak man!

fwiw I too think it's far too soon for Ex to introduce your ds to OW, but let's face it he'll probably do it whether you like it or not - at least your ds will have one constant in his life - you.

Maybe you should try and arrange different childcare/work hours (hard I know). That way you're not beholden to your Ex.

Think of these low feelings as a blip: as you said, you were thinking of how happy you are with life - that'll come back.

Original poster
NeedHelpPlease · 23/11/2011 13:39

Yes I think he is being shady too, and for the same reason. He is a weak man, not strong enough to be alone, he needs a victim girlfriend to look after him at all times.
The working hours can't really be changed at the moment unfortunately, I have been trying to think of ways round it, but there is no way. I will hopefully be starting at uni next sept, so it will change then.
He has also been saying he will be moving to his girlfriend's home town, but not for a couple of years. This strikes me as being a bit mad if he has only known her a couple of months.
Thanks for your reply, I know I will start to feel better, do you have any quick fixes, as I need to get back ontrack before college goes down the toilet.

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spicyorange · 23/11/2011 13:46

You need to be strong and try to keep contact only for your ds. Id say its way to early for him to be introducing ow to your ds he sounds like he,s either rushing in head first or its been going on longer.

Big hug. tell yourself you are soo worth more than how he has treated you.

cumbria81 · 23/11/2011 13:48

Nothing helpful to add but I found it sooo hard when my ex got a new girlfriend. It literally consumed me. It's the worst feeling in the world. It got easier over time but nothing I did or thought in the meantime helped.

Original poster
NeedHelpPlease · 23/11/2011 13:52

Thanks spicy, I know I need to keep contact business only, but i'm losing contol really.
Cumbria, that's how I feel: consumed, by rage, sadness, fear. Fucking sick of it and it's only been a couple of weeks.

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gems77 · 23/11/2011 14:06

Firstly I think you are very brave doing it alone as a single parent, I am a single mum to 3 girls and been separated 18 months and it has been so hard.
I think when you separate from someone your whole life changes but it happens in stages and this is probably the final one, its shock and loss that you feel, I suppose its all of a sudden realitly that he has moved on. You said you were doing ok so you will start to feel positive again soon, its just more changes and change is difficult for everyone. Maybe you should try dating yourself?

Original poster
NeedHelpPlease · 23/11/2011 14:14

Hi gems, yes it is the reality that he has moved on, and suppose the feeling that I have finally been replaced by someone who I loved. He has also said to me that he hadn't been happy for years, and that obviously keeps going round in my head, think that will be the hardest thing to get over, the feeling that he was not happy with me and I didn't know. I haven't got time or inclination to dat tbh, and would only be doing it to piss him off.
That's really helpful when you say it's prob the final stage, is that from experience? Just want a normal, calm life.

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spicyorange · 23/11/2011 14:14

It will hurt and hurt like hell i went through totall grief to feeling of if i get hold of you i will do harm. It does get easier and you will cope because you have to. Gems right your life does change and only you can change it for the better.

Original poster
NeedHelpPlease · 23/11/2011 14:19

I have had the feeling of wanting to hit him, wanting to smash his flat up, wanting to scratch his car. The only thing that stopped me was I have to have crb checks for work. So reassuring to know it's normal to feel like this. I just wish I didn't have to see him so much. Thanks all.

OP posts:
gems77 · 23/11/2011 14:24

Yes def from experience. I went through every emotion possible. We were friends at the beginning of the split and when my ex husband met someone else I was ok about it at first, but he became more and more distant, then he went on hols with her, and I could see pics over facebook of them both and then my children were introduced to her and the worst bit of all is when they were doing family things together and it wasnt with me, it hurts but its getting easier for me now. I grew up in a step family and it was awful, so all I know is as long as she is loving towards my children Im happy.
You will get that normal calm life, you just have to stay positive and I know you say you wouldnt want to date but you may be surprised in how it helps.
Stay strong you are doing a great job, and good luck with your studies

gems77 · 23/11/2011 14:25

Your last post about anger Iv had all that too. It will pass I promise

spicyorange · 23/11/2011 14:29

Its good to get out what you want to say, i wrote ex a letter i was a bit deranged at the time but i ment everyword i said oh did i let loose with every emotion i had. I havent seen him for 9 years if i ever did i still think the first thing i would do is swing for him for abandoning his dd.
Hes abroad btw.

Original poster
NeedHelpPlease · 23/11/2011 14:30

Thank you so much, sounds like a similar situation. I don't want to date atm, as I am too scared of getting hurt, and literally have no time, unless I introduced someone to ds, so catch 22 as I'm not gonna do that.
I'm not even on facebook anymore, but stupidly went back on and it shows that they're both in a relationship with each other, and he was talking about how great ds is, yes and no thanks to him.

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Original poster
NeedHelpPlease · 23/11/2011 14:31

So it would be a good idea to write to him? I think that might be worse as he might ignore it and that would hurt more.

OP posts:
buzzswellington · 23/11/2011 14:33

It's quite common for people to rewrite history, especially when reality makes them look a bit of a shit. So don't take his "wasn't happy for years" to heart - I bet the truth is that this woman has been in the picture much longer, certainly while you were still having sex, and possibly as far back as when you were together.

spicyorange · 23/11/2011 14:37

He never replied to me but i felt better just to get it out about. You yourself will know whats good for you.

Original poster
NeedHelpPlease · 23/11/2011 14:49

I might give the letter a go then. He is trying to rewrite history, yes, because if he told the truth, she would run a mile. I don't think he was at it when we were together, interesting thought though, he is very reluctant to give dates and sort of implies that I am trying to pry into when they 1st had sex, clever manipulator, making me out to be a bit of a nosy perv so I'll feel ashamed and stop asking.

OP posts:
spicyorange · 23/11/2011 14:54

Dont batter your head by asking details you will feel worse. You need a big glass of Wine and say thankyou to ow for taking the loser off your hands.

If it goes tits up least you can hold your head up and say dont run to me ive moved on.

buzzswellington · 23/11/2011 14:55

I don't know what reason he gave for ending the relationship with you, but it often seems to turn out there's another woman on the scene.

It might be a good, carthartic exercise to write a letter, expressing everything you feel. I'm not sure it would necessarily be a good idea to send it, 'though.

Original poster
NeedHelpPlease · 23/11/2011 15:06

The reason given was that we weren't getting on, which was true, and tbh I have felt much happier without him than with him, until now. I have thought about whether there was someone else involved in the past, and I don't think there was, but maybe I will be proved wrong.
You are right spicy, I won't be making the mistake of being available for emotional support for him in the future. he can go to his friends, might be difficult though as he hasn't got any.

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putyourrighthandin · 23/11/2011 15:17

I found focussing on the things that irritated me about my exh when we were together and how his new GF would have to put up with these things now, really helpful. This probably makes me sound extremely immature, but things like him picking his nose and flicking it across the room, him pressurising me to do things sexually that I didn't want to, him leering at other woman when we were out together and so on. Gosh, my exh sounds like such a catch doesn't he!? Anyhow, making a mental list of these things, then reminding myself of them when I was having a wobble was a great tonic. I agree that writing a letter and not posting it might help, but I personally wouldn't have sent it because I never wanted to inflate my exh's ego by making him think that I might still want him. I never wanted him again after we had split up but it did get me down that I was struggling and doing the vast majority of things for our DC while he was enjoying the fun of a new relationship and driving around in a new sports car.

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