I have a "crush" on DP's friend - and it's getting worse.

[LittleEmanuel]

Would love some kind of psycho analysis because I know it's off.

I have always had a thing for "tough guys", rugby players, big manly men etc. Everything current DP is not. In fact, DP and I are kind of coming to the end of our relationship, it's just formalities that need sorting now.

So - anyway, backtrack and last year a new bloke joined DP's work. DP spoke about him in a way that made me think "oo he sounds a bit of alright!" but that was it! just a passing thought. Then one day I had to go into DP's work for something and this guy was there, I saw him in passing and my thoughts were confirmed - this guy was pretty sexy! but that was it - just a silly school girl thought.

But it never went away. I found myself asking DP questions about the guy and whenever DP mentioned him I found myself being a little TOO interested. He sounded funny, confident and - well a bit macho too.

Anyway - disaster struck when DP suggested I accompany him on a night out - a night which was in celebration of this guy's birthday just 3 weeks ago. I jumped at the chance. So we finally met this night, shook hands, all very formal. Then the drinks started flowing and this guy was hilarious, I got speaking to him a couple of times and realised I had a major crush on him. How sad, I know.

The night ended, we've not spoken since but I can't stop thinking about him The stupid thing is I know nothing could ever come of it and I probably wouldn't want it to - I wouldn't trust him in a relationship style set up anyway, he's always "on the pull" so to speak but I just can't get him out of my head. He's only 26, still lives with his parents, goes out pissing it up every weekend - SO not the kind of guy you'd want to get involved with so what the hell is wrong with me??

It's that bad, I know where he goes on Friday and Saturday nights and have even started trying to "engineer" my own nights out to end up in these places.

Analysing myself I'd say I was just craving the attention of a man I actually fancy after having spent so long in a dead relationship. What do you reckon?

Well this is going to sound awful but DP has just lost his dad and is recovering from an operation at the moment therefore I feel that I can't just say "oh well, hope you're still looking for somewhere to live!" but in fairness I really wish he would. I just want to get on with my own life now and as you say, find someone I do like.

I would say this: It's hard to leave a relationship (especially if DP is in unfortunate circumstances at the moment). The adrenalin and emotional energy which are generated by the intense attraction to someone else are useful as a lever to get oneself out of the relationship. This does NOT mean that the someone else is the one true love. It just means that you need some fire to help you get out the original relationship.

Well, this guy is mostly in your head - you barely know him - he's a daydream, a fantasy figure, more than anything else. The reason you're obsessing over him is he's a diversion from the situation you're in with your dp.

Maybe you're subconsciously aiming for an 'exit affair' with him to give you the drive to end things with your dp.

I think that would be a huge mistake. If you're supposedly so concerned about your dp's welfare that you can't end it with him after his bereavement, you are on a path to causing him a massive hurt if you did manage to engineer meeting up with this guy on nights out, and ended up shagging him. You've got to stop that shit.

It's ok to end the relationship. Just don't trample the poor guy doing it.

I know you're all right. I also think it's the "buzz" of being available again - back in the game so to speak. I know it sounds childish but I've been bored to death sensible for so long now, I just want to live a little. I suppose this guy reminds me of the kind of thing I used to look for. Some parts of him I still do (the confidence, the humour, the body etc).

I would never do anything with him, I would hope I wouldn't anyway.

I would never do anything with him, I would hope I wouldn't anyway.

< ahem...>

Leave your current partner. Then look for excitement elsewhere.

Whats the betting though you will get your fingers burned by a few bad boys and end up with another "nice guy" ?

How old are you OP ?

Ah, I was going to jump all over the "I would hope I wouldn't" bit too.

Still will, actually . Don't hope - stop trying to engineer meeting up until you have ended your relationship.

Then give it a couple of months (in case your stbex gets his nose rubbed in it) and then engineer the hell out of it, if you're still looking for a bunk-up with this guy.

beat ya to it, buzz

I know how stupid I sound AF, I'm even surprised at myself.

I'm 30. Too old to be chasing bad boys I know.

You know what is sad though? The fact that I've never had that "dating" thing as an adult. Yeah I did it as a teen like we all did but I got involved with my children's father at the age of 16 and we didn't split until I was way into my 20s. I then made the mistake of falling into a crap relationship with the first guy who showed an interest and that's basically been my relationship history.

I'm a totally different person now, I'm confident, I actually LIKE myself and I want to have fun. I know the kind of guy I want to settle down with and I'm prepared to wait for that but in the meantime, I want to have fun.

So there you go, feel free to flame and ridicule me - I can take it

Where is the flaming or the ridicule ?

Picking up on two totally contradictory statements is not doing that

Get out of your relationship and then do all the shagging dating you like

Your current P may be a dud, but you will also hurt yourself if you hurt him by cheating with a bad boy (and make yourself look stupid in the process)

I just thought flaming and ridicule would follow my last post AF

But yes I know you're right, I need to get out of this relationship first. I'm not the kind of person to cheat, I just kind of feel stuck in limbo right now and it's so frustrating.

To be fair though, even if I was single I wouldn't go after his mate, a quick shag isn't worth ruining a friendship over.

well, you do need to stop playing daft "dare yourself/see how far you are prepared to go" games where you engineer a meeting with the fit fella

a single 30yo should be having fun

single being the operative word

if your relationship isn't making you happy, that isn't fun either, so ditch that ASAP

(I still think you will go back to a "nice guy" though)

If you feel your relationship has run its course you need to tell your partner. Can you (gently) tell him then start making arrangements to move out instead of waiting for him to be ready? (That might take a while given his recent bereavement and operation.)

Then FGS yes - go and have fun!

If you're relationship is not good leave it, for both of you're sakes.

but don't leave your current P for this mate , that would make you look really slutty& cheap and if that relationship doesnt work out..? at 30 you'll be tainted forever as the woman who left her P for his mate and no decent man will want to know. Sorry that was harsh but its the truth.

go play the field with someone else if you need to.

it's otherwise known as "not shitting on your own doorstep"

Does your DP know that the relationship is over? It struck me as slightly odd that he is inviting you out on socials (only 3 weeks ago) if it's only the formalities that need doing. Are you still leading your DP on to think there is hope for him yet?

yes Anyfucker, much better than I put it.