Does perfect marriage/relationship exist? should it be this hard....

[sammyjole]

I've been with partner nearly 3 years one child together. He's a good man but we are very different, a lot of the problems are probably my fault I dont have a good track record in relationships I know I can be selfish. The problem is I dont know whether I really want to stay in the relationship but I'd feel like a failure in a lot of ways if i walk now....I already had a child from a previous failed relationship (but my current partner is only father figure that child has) I was probably not in a great place mentaly when I met my partner and now I'm wondering if I can spend the rest of my life wondering what if? What if I could have been happier? Even on my own...
When we talk my partner claims no relationship is easy all have their problems....but I'm not sure if I'm really in love with him and that could be the problem... I feel jealous of other people who I think are more in love with their partners and who's husbands seem to devote all their time and attention to them and their family...my other half devotes so much time and energy to his family(and I dont mean us) that I feel second best all the time I just want someone I can be crazy about and who is crazy about me. And maybe we'd want to spend a lot of time together (or am I a control freak maybe)
I was seeing someone before my partner that I was crazy about but due to my own insecurity I ended it and I beat myself up about it daily.
Would a trial separation be a good idea of a week or two to see if we'd be happier apart? Then again I've been on my own before and it's not fun I know that but is it fair to stay with someone as opposed to being alone simply to avoid the latter. I know I am unkind to him sometimes.
Does anyone else have any experience of the grass on the other side?

Reading your post the first thing I thought is that a visit to a counsellor to discuss commitment issues could only be a help.

I wonder if you are only crazy about your previous partner because you don't have him any more? Also, you say that you resent your DP's attention to his family and also expect total 100% crazy-in-love feelings all the time...

These to me are all classic commitment issues.

The grass can be greener, true, but a lot of the time it's 'same same but different'. I think you need to work on yourself before blaming the relationship for all your woes.

I hope my previous post doesn't sound harsh, but it seems to me like you're describing a very normal relationship - but seen through the prism of someone who doesn't trust love unless it's all bells and whistles.

It doesn't make you a bad person, just one who can't relax into a relationship.

And you do need to think about your children in all of this if you do walk. If you DP is being a good dad, that's a BIG deal.

Do you think that you might believe in 'the one' and feel you have settled?

I always think that the people who seem the unhappiest in their relationships are the ones who have a dream of there being 'a one' and so they are always missing what they feel they don't have.

You sound very like me OP. I don't have any solutions, just wanted you to know you aren't alone

Been with my current partner a couple of years and have to say I struggle and want to dump frequently and I'm 49!

I put it down to being a serial monogomist.

If he puts the rest of his family before you and your child together, then that isn't right and yes, you should expect more.

If your relationship has problems, I don't think it makes sense to say 'well, all relationships have their problems' and leave it at that - you work on what those issues are to make things better, surely? Is your bloke interested in making changes at all?

Thanks for all replies! No Kenobi your post didn't sound harsh it all sounds about right, commitment issues could well be the case...can I really get counseling for that? And yes I've probably got my ex on some kind of pedastal he shoouldn't be anywhere near! Probably the best thing about him was the sex.
I do realise that a great Dad is very important and it does hold a lot of weight with me so that is why I think we should work on other issues but sometimes I wonder if I'm really in love with him... Also holding out for the one definitely sounds like me! People always say you'll know when you meet the one and I guess I might stil be waiting for that!
How can I work on my issues? Or know if the problem is with me?

I think you are trying to put an end to the relationship for various reasons. You have said you are very different - if this is a problem now, it probably always will be. You also said you are unkind to him. That may be because you actually don't want the relationship and it's a way to push him away.

Another school of thought says that 1 in 6 men you meet can make a perfectly decent partner... and that The One is a construct. I think the truth is probably somewhere between the two. I think Fanjo's comment is very relevant.

It's not possible to live your life in a perfect bubble of love (the treadmill of living together, plus the fact you are two adults with different viewpoints puts paid to that) but equally a loveless relationship is miserable, so I'm not saying 'stay! Whatever happens, you must stay!'

I simply think you should go to a counsellor to make sure that the issues you allude to aren't clouding your viewpoint, then go from there. I don't know where you live but I would have thought that there would be therapists and counsellors in your area, possibly this is even something that could go through Relate?

There are hundreds of books on commitment issues on amazon like this one www.amazon.co.uk/Getting-Commitment-Overcoming-Obstacles-Connection/dp/0871319055/ref=pd_sim_b_1 but I can't personally rec any I'm afraid.

I think unless when you meet you have the attraction I have never wanted any man more in my life both physically and when you chat everything seems to click together like you have known each other all your life then its not worth staying with them tbh.

I dont belive in settlingand dont think you will be happy if you do. I also dont think marriage/long term relationships shoudl feel like a massive slog. You might have hard times in your life but you face everything as a team, and that shouldnt make you doubt your love for them. I 100% believe in the one

The first thing to understand is that it's not compulsory to have a couple-relationship at all. So there is no reason to stay in a crap one. Being single is fine.
The second thing to understand is that there is no such thing as The One. There are plenty of people with whom you could have a happy couple-relationship ie they are decent human beings, attractive to you and attracted to you. Most people who form couple-relationships do it with whoever is available at the time in their lives when they want to pairbond, and much of the time this works perfectly well. Of course sometimes it all goes horribly wrong because the desperation to pairbond overcomes warning signals that this individual is horrible, damaged or inadequate.

I would suggest having a clear-eyed look at your partner and relationship - is he a good person and a good partner in most ways? I would be inclined to think that a man who says 'All relationships need work' to his dissatisfied partner might actually mean 'Women know your place- the 'work' in the relationship is to be done by you.'

But if you have 'commitment issues' choose your therapist carefully. You don't want to be bludgeoned into normative heteromonogamy Just To Be Like Everyone Else. It's fine not to want a couple-relationship at all. It depends what you want out of your life.

As per SGB I think it would be good if more of us questioned the prevailing belief that being part of a couple is the surest route to a fulfilled life.

Other life arrangements are available, and may suit you much better:)

It always irritates me when people go on about 'commitment-phobia' as though not wanting to engage in longterm heteromonogamy is an illness you need to be cured of. If someone is a vegetarian, it would not be seen as reasonable to send them off to a therapist so they could be compelled to love rare steaks.

I agree with solidgoldbrass that you dont have to have a relationship I wouldnt if I wasnt sue the one the I was with was the one I didnt want to be without. I dont believe relationships work with a large range of people though as that is why so many relationships and marriages break up. I think saying things like

'Most people who form couple-relationships do it with whoever is available at the time in their lives when they want to pairbond, and much of the time this works perfectly well'

as just getting with anyone is available is the reason for so many failed relationships and bad choices of partner.

If I were you op I would wait out to the one who really makes you feel amazing who you click with and you are very attracted to and who you feel is really special. Dont settle for less and its ok to be single until you meet that person.

Molly: there's a difference between desperation for couplehood/commitment, which often does lead people to make disastrous choices, and the fact that, for a lot of people, it's more to do with reaching a certain stage in their lives when they are ready to pairbond, and if they are dating a decent, attractive person who is equally ready, the two of them will probably be just fine. What often does go wrong, though, is the 'inertia' relationship, where one partner is very keen to commit, marry, breed etc and the other one is not that bothered but thinks that splitting up would be such a hassle...

OP, I'll offer a slightly different perspective, in that I used to really have commitment issues, and general insecurities around relationships, from my own family background - so I think you need to tackle that first.

BUT...as well as believing that commitment issues might be holding you back, I think it's also possible that you are not with the right person. I am in a 'perfect' relationship - it's not perfect, but he is perfect for me and I know that after years of being with the wrong people I can suddenly see what that means...it's like a lightbulb 'ahah...THIS is what love feels like..'

After a year of therapy sorting out all my own issues, I found 'the one' - and I am afraid I can confirm that real true love does exist! Maybe it's easier sometimes to believe it doesn't, so that we can stay in unhappy situations.but real love is something you know when you have it. That doesn't mean AT ALL that it's all a bed of roses, but it does mean genuine joy, love and pleasure in each others companies -whatever the ups and downs of daily life - and the safe knowledge that you are with the right person for you. Yes, there are lots of people we can be happy with - I don't think that means that finding 'the right one' isn't possible - but being happy and content is possible.

The first step for you is to work out how much of your disatisfaction is down to your own insecurities and unhappiness/ commitment issues - if you are hankering over lost love, that is a sign of low self confidence and anxiety around relationship choices - let it go, it's over, if it was right it would have worked out. He's a daydream, not a reality now.

You can acknowledge your unhappiness in this relationship as real - and pick apart which parts come from your own issues and which are genuine imcompatibilities.

I wouldn't recommend Relate, I think you need a proper trained psychotherapist not just a counsellor - if you are going to be looking into your past, which you will have to. You can get cheap deals - look on the BACP website..honestly, it's the most life changing thing - and will help you get to the bottom of hwo you feel about your partner and untangle all your guilt etc.....

Wow so many of these comments are real eye openers and make so much sense thankyou so much. Waterrat I think you have hit the nail on the head and its kind of a relief to know I am not imagining the fact that there is real love to be had and someone who could make me feel comfortable that I am with the right person, but I suppose when there are children involved also you cant help but think, well he's a good guy cant we make this work? I know the child shouldn't have been brought into the equasion but there we go. I will look into the type of therapy mentioned.
I nearly did a terrible thing and be unfaithful to partner with ex on a pedastal thats how hung up on him I was. He's not an issue now but the attraction there was strong enough I would have. I guess what is done is done though and there is no going back only moving on so thats what I shall do. If I get my head nice and straight and issues sorted and he stil doesn't seem right I'll know its not me....I'm in Uk can I get anything through GP or is it stil afore mentioned?

If I could 'like' waterrat's post I would

tbh I'm not sure that a GP would refer you for these kind of issues. I think you 'll have to g off your own bat. But the BACP website will be a great help.

Good luck with it all.

When you first met you dp did you yearn for his company when apart? If so when did that lessen? Was he rebound?

Relationships are such a minefield. I agree we shouldn't be put in a box of having to be with someone. Single is fine and should be seen as normal not the poor alternative.

I hope you can work through this as it's not nice always wondering? If your dp will agree to some time apart that may help? It could open his eyes too his failings too?

to his failings too

I agree with waterrat when you meet the right one for you it will be when you least expect it and someone you cant live without. It wont be something you doubt and just being with them you will feel completely different to anyone you have ever met before. Its cheesy but its the truth

Sorry Molly but that's a crock. It's ignoring the basic truth that lifetime heteromonogamy is irrelevant and unnecessary to a lot of people, and the other basic truth that if you want lifetime heteromonogamy, you can have it happily enough with anyone from the available selection of nice potential partners. So if you are in an inertia relationship with someone who is genuinely lovely and even quite sexually attractive, but you are not content, the solution is NOT a matter of finding another partner, it's more likely that the solution is: heteromonogamous couple-relationships are not what you want to focus your life on.

all this 'love' stuff sounds a bit religious to me

Ah but that's the thing, Solid, 'happily enough'. I wanted more than simply enough, I wanted wow, bliss, happy happy love amazing joy wow lust love, I held out, and I got it. No one has come even anywhere close to being good enough for my liking, apart from DH, and if he hadn't come along, no doubt I would be single and childless. Never did see the point in settling. I didn't want nice and available, didn't want "you'll do", I wanted The One. I met a lot of people, I didn't live out in the sticks, limited in who I met, so we don't all just 'pairbond' when we reach a certain age.
So OP, The One does exist for some of us. Hope you find each other. Would you feel differently about your current partner if he devoted more time to your family, made you feel his priority? I think you need to have a talk with him about this, make it clear he could lose you if he doesn't. Maybe he will make things right, and all will be great.

I think your partner is right in saying that no relationship is easy and there are problems in every one. What we might see as a perfect marriage/relationship from the outside might not actually be or we don't see how hard a couple has worked to maintain their relationship.

Relationships aren't like fairy tale stories where you ride off into the sunset and live happily ever after. Cinderella might not want the Prince Charming to spend all his time with his royal duties and wants him to spend more time with the kids or waste his money on buying coaches but save it for their children's future. Snow White might not want her Prince to go wandering in the forest hunting days on end and would like to spend a bit more time with her.

Even if you find "the one", you know that you still have to work at a relationship, right? Finding "the one" doesn't meant that magically all the day-to-day minutia will go away. You will still need to talk about household chores, finances, child rearing, etc. There will be ups and downs and even really tough times but you have to work through them together as a team and be supportive of each other.

I don't advocate staying in a dead end relationship but I would like a couple to try to fix their relationship before ending it. If you can't fix it, then move forward separately and doing what's best for the children.

I think like on other threads you should still be lustful for your husband/wife years in and still miss them when your not with them. Life and funis better with tthem there than without them, you still want to text or call them when your apart in the working day and you just generally want to be with each other and still be extremely attracted to each other. I dont think that should ever die or wane personally tbh.

I agree with nohunintended post as well.