Does a sh*tty marriage change you as a person?

[mfea]

I used to be sweet, calm and very optimistic and happy.

Now I feel low, angry and have a temper.

I feel so angry that my marriage has done this to me.

Does anyone feel the same way?

Since my shitty marriage (which my ex-husband ended in a shitty way) I have felt I'm not quite painting with a full palette of colours.

But it is getting better. I am re-learning how not to be angry all the time.

Yes it has done that to me.
And then when I decided that I wasn't going to be made into something I wasn't or didn't want to be, it made me stronger and probably more balanced too.

Yes, made me 10 million times stronger. There's nothing I can't do if I set my mind to it

And I'm tons calmer since the split.

I spent 28 years in a relationship that warped me out of shape.

I am by nature a sunny optimist who is kind and considerate and thinks the best of people.

After all that time trying to become what my H wanted me to be I was angry and resentful and treating him unkindly. I had to leave to save both of us. The competitiveness of my marriage was damaging me.

Now a year on, to my surprise and delight I seem to be a cheerful easy going person with lots of friends. No temper, and friendships seem so straightforward and effortless. I am beginning to trust myself again.

Being in one for long enough changes you. Whilst married to my ex I went from a bubbly, confident, witty person to sad, irritable, low self esteem, resigned sort of person. It's been five months since we split and I am now that person I once was. One thing that stuck out to me, considering it was such a small thing really, was the realisation that all the music I had ever listened to when I was with him was sad and depressing. I rarely if ever listen to any of those songs I used to love so much, now. I also suddenly had friends again. I hadn't even realised I had lost so many.

And it does make you stronger. Leaving a marriage, being the 'bad guy' as such, takes strength. It makes you wiser too, if you look back and learn from what went wrong, learn not to make the same mistakes again or recognise traits in any future partners that are a bad sign.

I walked out yesterday. I write this in a temporary serviced apartment with my gorgoues DS (15 months) napping next door.

I feel totally lost about what to do. I can't afford this place for long (£100 a night).

I love DH and he has just sent text begging me home. We have been married less than two years. He is so short tempered, it is like walking on egg shells. He is work stressed but it has become intolerable. Yesterday morning I lost it with him as I was accused of turning the thermastat up. I didn't, but I was called a liar and pathetic for lying about it. I just went crazy in the bathroom. It was like watching a stranger. I walked out because I was so frightened at the change in me.

Not sure where to go from here. Counselling?

Counselling can be very good to have a look at what is going on and understand the whys.
Seems like your (ex?)H would benefit from it too.

You used the phrase "walking on egg shells" which is a phrase often used by people who have reached the end of their tether or when they are depressed. There is actually a book about dealing with people in relationship who wear you down, or they abuse you and make you unhappy or depressed. It is called 'Stop Walking On Eggshells - Taking Your Life Back'.

www.amazon.co.uk/Stop-Walking-Eggshells-Borderline-Personality/dp/157224108X

If you do not wish to buy the book google personality disorders like those mentioned in the book which are borderline personality disorder and narcissist personality disorder to see if you recognise any of the common signs in marriage to such people that you can recognise in your own marriage.

I am so sorry to hear that you have walked out. The advice for getting counselling from TFE is a good one. If he is stressed, or the both of you are stressed, it would be awful if the stress destroyed your happiness together - counselling might help you both.

A shitty marriage can change you - it's being cooped up with a shitty person, and that's going to affect anyone (or it's being cooped up with someone that brings out the shits in you, as it were).

Improtantly you can remember the sort of person you were before. The question I'd ask is whether you like that previous version of yourself more than the current one. If so, maybe that answers a question you haven't yet asked.

mfea, do start your own thread, you will get LOADS of support. :) Sounds like you're in danger of going back because of the cost of the new place? Don't let that force you back into such a hellish situation. As he sounds abusive, consider going to Women's Aid, they will help you. Do you have family or friends you could stay with for a while?
Good luck.

re this thread, I haven't ever been married, but have been with XP and had DS and I'm still not back to who I was pre-XP. He was/is a nasty sod. Went straight into an unsuitable relationship with a complete Narc/empathy-less weirdo though, so it's still early days for me. I know I will return to the old me, it's already happening and it feels good.

A 15 year shitty marriage ended when exdw left for om. 13 years later I am now happier than I have ever been. New dw,dd couldnt be better.

You will get there.

Money is such an issue. I think to myself what i could be doing with that money for my boy.

Biggest issue is that I worry about affect on my boy. Not now as he is so young. I worry about when he is older and with a single mum. It is already apparent that he is very much ,a 'boy', added to which is likely he is going to be tall and broad and very physical. As my husband is, and my brother on my side. How will I manage? I will hold him back.

Re. Family, parents deceased, younger bro and sis. Wonderful but in twenties with their own lives. Re. Friends, very close but scattered and again, full lives.

I feel very alone. Not sure what to do tomorrow. I love my husband, but he freely admits that he is very very difficult.

Has relationship counselling worked for people?

My marriage was shite. H was abusive and I spent most of my time trying to stay on an emotional even keel, repeatedly telling myself that his behaviour towards me wasn't about me. It often made me irritable and shouty and upset. My mother commented on how I was 'losing' myself and seemed down a lot.

almost two years since H died and I am a relaxed, gregarious, content; just how I was before I got sucked into Hs malestrom of hatred

Yes, I think it definitely does. But I think you can find the old you once you have gone. I left when I realised that noone, not at work, family, past DP's or friends could reduce me to the screaming, weeping, madwoman that I was in my marriage.

And we had the thermostat conversation! I obviously did it deliberately to annoy him, and l moved the bedroom door a bit to annoy him , and I opened windows to annoy him, and I bought the dc school shoes to annoy him.........

I am so much happier since I left, and I am relieved that I have left that madwoman behind.

OP sorry you are in this situation, but the good news is that you have walked away to give yourself breathing space In your situation I would strongly advise counselling for you on your own just to work out/remember who you are. Your personality will have been subdued whilst with DH and you have probably sub consciously put all sorts of limits on yourself. You will also feel a little stronger then and be in a better frame of mind to for any couples counselling.

You do have practical steps to take as you can't stay in the apartment, maybe DH would move out? You will then have all your DS things to hand. For now though, just spend some time with DS, get some peace and tell DH you will talk when you are ready.

Yes it does change you

I found getting divorced very painful. Frankly, it was agony.

Even very happily re-married it is still a dull ache when I think of it.

I lost friends, a family I loved, my home, my car, all my security and pension. It put me into debt I will never recover from.

Not sure I will leave him yet. Feels good to have walked out though and had last couple of nights here. But honestly can't justify another night here. Already £200 spent, it will soon start to stack up.

I just feel so utterly weak at the moment, like I have had the stuffing knocked out of me. Over course of last couple of days I have oscillated between thinking 'yes, I can do this. I can leave him. I can start out on my own with my DS'. and 'why am I thinking about leaving the man I love, who most of the time treats me well and we love one another'.

When people divorce, is it generally the case that the relationship is bad to the core and there are no upside?. Or does anyone have an experience of divorcer when the relationship is bad but there are still good times and you still the person?

I realise I sound about 14 in that question, but I have no one to ask and I am unsure.

Sorry, didn't answer the question.

It changed me for the better (better person now, know what's really important) but it brought me more sadness than I thought possible.

Mfea I came to find your other thread, to see what the stress was all about, to see how it impacted you today. :(

DS would be fine if you were a single Mum. You don't need a big, tall, strong man in the house to 'handle' him when he gets bigger, you really don't.

Can you not stay with your bro/sis/friends for a few days?

Your H sounds very, very difficult - I don't know if counselling will help, but what I do know is that even if it does, it wont do it quickly.

I would ask him to go and stay with friends or family for a while - you and DS need to be in your home. It's much easier and cheaper for him to find an alternative.

It is very very rarely all bad. It's mostly a mix of good and bad - but it needs to be mostly good, occasionally not great and never scary. You can't live your life walking on eggshells and being accused of being a liar over a bloody thermostat. It's not right and it's not normal and it's certainly not good for DS to grow up in that environment.

You don't sound 14, you sound unsure & worried - which is natural. It's a big decision.

I'd say that of course a difficult relationship will change a person, because none of us is fixed.
Personality is to some extent always in a state of flux and all experience will leave some kind of imprint on a person.

Very difficult or traumatic experiences are often regarded as having a 'make or break' effect on a person

Thank you for responses, Chipping appreciate your kind words.
I need to get a grip as feeling very sorry for myself. Not just me to consider. I think I am going to go back and try counselling. If it proves fruitless then at least I can look myself and my son in the eye and say that we gave it a bloody good go for his sake. If I don't give counselling a go, I think I will be giving up too early. Not even 2 years married. At the back of my mind I think to myself 'yes, but if three years down the line you realise it is not working, then that is three years wasted'. But I need to adjust my thinking... it won't be three years wasted. Instead it will be three years trying to make my marriage work.

I think any relationship as significant as a marriage will change you - whether in good or bad ways. I was with my XH for more than 10 years and we had a seriously co-dependant relationship that worked in some ways, and was eating away at us in others. We managed to screw each other up even more than we were to start with! He's not a bad person but nobody other than my parents and siblings could turn me into the screaming banshee that he could!

and three years life experience, three years finding out about yourself..that kind of thing.
best luck :)

itsalladirtylie... that has made me head off to bed with the hint of a spring in my step. Thank youxxx