Fearing that I'm toxic/something else that I don't know what you'd call... (long, sorry!)

[Fuzzled]

Right, I'm posting this as I'm getting a bit worried about myself, and I don't know if I'm becoming toxic or (as my topic says) something else that I don't know how to describe, so my apologies if/when this becomes a little bit long-winded as I don't want to drip feed! While this is mainly about DH, the situation is also relevant to many of my other relationships so it's my issue and not DH's IYSWIM.

Background is that I've been married for 10 years and have a 1 yo DS. I love DH dearly and he is a good man, and has put up with a lot from me, and by some miracle seems to still love me too. Actually, that makes it sound worse than it is. I mean that I have been through a lot in the 10 years - depression, family death, recent ill-health and operations - and he has been supportive and stood by me through all of this.

But lately, I feel like I'm nit-picking and almost starting fights for the sake of it. I don't mean that I deliberately going "I'll start a fight about x,y or z", but little misunderstandings seem to lead to big arguments and it's as if I can't stop myself. As an example, this morning I decided to make a coffee and offered (as you would normally) DH a coffee too. He then said that he didn't want one as he was too uncomfortable having hot drinks around DS. I then got upset as I felt that he was criticising me for having a hot drink around DS and then, by extension, that he was accusing me of being a terrible parent. Now, rationally at the back of my brain, there was a little voice going "shut up you dozy mare, he's not saying that at all", but the over-riding feeling was of being a bad parent. After a bit of "discussion" (not shouting, but a bit of conversational to-and-fro) he did explain that he meant that he just felt uncomfortable as he only really looks after DS at weekends as he works during the week so he just doesn't have the confidence to know where to put hot drinks for safety, especially as as soon as DH is home, DS is definitely "his" little boy. For the record, he is almost always (barring arranged stuff) home to play with DS before bed and share the bath/bed routine with me, but obviously working full time means that I spend the lion's share of time with DS as I'm a WAHM.

Our backgrounds and upbringing, while very similar, do differ in that DH's family are very vocal and there is a lot of play arguments and jokey insults (that sounds awful, but it's the way they are and looking at it dispassionately, it is quite fun and good-natured), whereas my family don't really do arguments (I'm not quite a member of stately-homes, but certainly can relate to some of the issues as my DM was depressed for a lot of my childhood and looking back, I feel that egg-shells were involved) and certainly not jokey insults.

DH is aware that I get up-tight about this and does try not to do this - but does forget and then insult me as a joke so I than get upset (although again I can hear the voice saying "it's a joke") and we have a full on scene - he apologises and I get upset and huffy and I think make him jump through hoops to make it up to me.

I'd like to stop doing this. I know that there will always be misunderstandings in a healthy relationship and that it is natural for upsets to happen, but I'd like to stop almost trying to wind him up - I'm scared that I'll push him too far one day, and also that I'll become like my DM. I did love her, but I can see that due to her depression, some things have become ingrained in me (almost OCD tendencies to cope) and I don't want to pass this on to DS.

Can anyone help/offer advice or suggest some books so that I can try to take a step back before I dive into feeling that every little thing is about me and how I'm crap? I've been for therapy, and I know that the issues reside in my past (DM's depression, only child living under high expectations, being bullied, difficulty making friends, feelings of imperfection etc) and rationally, I can see how to deal with things, but I can't do it "in the moment". I've tried AD's in my darker hours, but I'm off them now and much better - except for the (multiple!) issues above.

Please help?

Hi Fuzzled, just on my way out, but I can relate to lots of what you wrote and wanted to recommend this. I've found it so enlightening and helpful, and it has quite practical suggestions for how to move beyond the intellectual understanding of where patterns of behaviour come from, IYSWIM.

have you had counselling before?

As a guess (and it is only a guess), you have had quite a few issues as a child/growing up. Some of these issues have the tendency to stay hidden and to reappear with force when you have a child> Would that make any sense to you?

Also you are a WAHM so I am guessing you are looking after your dc and working. Do you think you are getting very tired, too tired to be able to cope with all these little things (and afterall are perhaps not as little as that for you)?

Hmm, something tells me that your DH should stop doing the sarcasm humour on you. Not everyone finds this funny.

I have a bit of a thing going on about this with my DP at the moment. Then when I become cross or upset due to taking "his" humour the wrong way he tells me that he was only joking.

DP can also be a bit of a moaner and has a very deadpan straight face, so how the bloody hell do I know it's a joke huh.

Well sod that I didn't find it funny.

The upshot is i struggle with myself and think its me.

Feel this is what's going on with you at the moment.

Okay, I'll try to elaborate and answer questions. I would have come back last night, but DS wasn't well.

Some of the grump in me does come from the differing senses of humour; DH does try to minimise this (which I do appreciate), but it does occasionally slip in and we can both accept that it isn't the end of the world once my grumping is done.

I have had counselling before and it has helped me realise where patterns of behaviour come from; I can tell you that my inability to invite people round without tidying up and getting very stressed relates to me needing to be perfect as otherwise I worry that I'll get a big row (DM) or that others will talk about me/laugh at me (bullying when I was young). Unfortunately, despite a bit of CBT I still can't shake these feelings and am at a loss as to how to go on.

I am a WAHM (both for money reasons and for my own sanity reasons!) but you are right that it doesn't allow me any time to myself until DS goes to bed - and then it's time with DH; weekends are family time. I have tried explaining this to DH, but it's a bit of a catch-22 as he doesn't get any time either, his job is quite important (not doctor or anything, but a lot of people relying on him) so he works hard, and harder now to ensure he is home to spend time with DS - essentially to give me time for myself, but in reality just time for making dinner/hoovering and so on. Hopefully as DS grows and starts playing more on his own, this last bit will get better.

As I say, it's the nitpicking and arguing that is doing me in at the moment. It ruined a trip into town yesterday and lasted until bedtime - it was like I couldn't back down or accept an apology.

I really need to get this sorted don't I?

"It ruined a trip into town yesterday and lasted until bedtime - it was like I couldn't back down or accept an apology. "

I can relate to this. All of it really, we'll argue about something (to be fair DH does have a habit of phrasing things very badly) and then I find it takes me ages to come down after an argument. It's not been so bad lately, but that's a general pattern I've had all my life. I always thought it was just par for the course but in the last few years I've realised how screwed up my life with my parents was and the knock on effects of that.

DH always says that whenever we argue I'm always "right", or I always "win" and he feels like I never back down. This worries me, because I don't know if it means there's something wrong with how I handle these things? (As opposed to me actually just being right all the time! )

I don't really have any advice or answers being in the same boat and all, but wanted to let you know that it's not just you. Will watch with interest...

Sounds like you could do with some time to yourself as well - could DH look after DS for a morning at the weekend so you could do something for yourself? You don't have to do family time all weekend - better to have some quality time together once you've had some time to recharge your batteries.

What helped in my own case was moving from working at home to working in a workplace. Just getting out the home, being with people who know nothing about your home life, who see you as an independent person in your own right, being in a work environment which doesn't have the emotions associated with home, can just give you a new lease on life. It sounds like you are becoming more irritable and frustrated, so it could be worth thinking about using a childminder, and going to work instead, even part-time.

I also agree with what other people have said about exhaustion and cabin fever. Of course we don't show ourselves in our best light when we are under pressure. Be kind to yourself, Fuzzled. Work to change whatever is bothering you, but please don't beat yourself up.

I think you're being too hard on yourself labeling yourself as toxic. Do think you sound fed up, frustrated and a bit depressed.
How much time are you getting to yourself? And I don't mean working. I mean time sat on your bum with a cup of tea and a book, or however you chill out.