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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

It's all very stale - he thinks it's all fine

7 replies

MarkMe · 22/11/2011 07:58

DP and I have been together for around a year and a half. We still live seperately, no children, seperate finances etc. I want out. I can think of nothing else. He's 37 but acts like he's over the age of 50. Spends his evenings sat in watching darts on the TV or wrestling (the fake entertainment kind). He plays no sports, has no hobbies, has no friends, never goes anywhere. The highlight of his week is going to a car boot sale with his parents. He's never been abroad (apart from a hop to Holland when he was 18) and has never really "done" anything.
When we see each other he is nice to me, we can have a laugh, he'll help me with the gardening or diy - but I feel like I've got my dad around to help iyswim? the attraction has gone. The sex is terrible. He nags and nags and nags for sex and then when I give in he can't get it up anyway - que lots of "trying" to shove it in anyway and it's so awkward it's almost nauseating.
I have grown in confidence so much in the past year or so and now more than ever I'm sure I could get someone more "Me" iyswim?? but what makes it all so difficult is that he thinks everything is fine and assumes we'll still be together when we're pensioners. The thought makes me depressed.
How do you break up with someone that hasn't actually done anything wrong? this is my fault, I made a terrible decision a year and a half ago and now I want out but I don't want to hurt him. Can anyone else empathise?? Could you live like this?

OP posts:
Downunderdolly · 22/11/2011 08:08

Hello Mark

Honestly, you have no children, no shared responsibilities, home or assets and you don't seem to like your DP at all anymore. I don't think it is a question of whether you could live like this, it is why would you even contemplate living like that for the rest of your life when there is no compelling reason.

Unfortunately, breaking up with someone who doesn't see it is coming is always hurtful for the other person but I am sure you will be able to do it with respect and consideration.

Good luck

Smum99 · 22/11/2011 10:02

Don't beat yourself up - you haven't made a terrible decision, you dated a man and after a period of time (18 months/2yrs is about the time that relationships are either at make or break point) you've worked out it's not for you.

You're smart - you didn't have a baby with this man or do joint finances so the break is easy. Its great you're feeling confident about the future, I think this b/f has taught you want you DON'T want in a man..that will help you to meet the right man for you.

Break up now - you really don't have to tie yourself to this man, just be kind in the message but firm..it's over, finito.

Let us know how you get on.

mycherubs · 22/11/2011 10:14

you have no choice really - its your life and if you want out then tell him - give him the chance to meet someone who wants him the way he is - dont waste any more of your life with this man

TravellerForEver · 22/11/2011 10:20

Just go along the lines. 'It's not you, it's me' and 'I love you but I am not in love with you anymore'.

The problem you have is that you can't pinpoint anything 'bad' so you have no anger towards him that would drive the split.
but this guy is obviously not right for you. That's enough.

SolidGoldVampireBat · 22/11/2011 10:42

You don't have to have a reason, you don't need his permission to dump him. You are not happy with the relationship. That's good enough. Just be polite but firm about it - 'this relationship isn;t working for me, I wish you all the best, goodbye'. You don't owe him a relationship just because he wants one.

buzzswellington · 22/11/2011 12:39

Seems like a no-brainer - you don't live together, you don't have financial ties or children - you don't enjoy his company and the sex is crap. You've only been seeing each other 18 months. Now is the time to step out.

Just tell him he's dumped. You don't need a cast-iron reason - "it's not working for me" is more than enough. He doesn't need to be awful to you or have done something particularly wrong to deserve dumping. You just need to believe you deserve someone who makes you happy, not just settling for 'the guy who you've got' or 'the first guy who shows an interest'.

buzzswellington · 22/11/2011 12:41

Although the nagging for sex is a damned good reason on its own. Gross.

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