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Original poster

I want another baby he doesn't

18 replies

obsessedmum · 04/01/2006 20:49

Can anyone help - I have a 3 year old dd and have wanted another child ever since she was born. However, wanted to enjoy having dd and only
started being seriously obsessed with the idea of having another baby in summer this year. My dh and I have argued about this for months now. He does not want another and is very against the idea. He said he cannot be bothered with the hassle of a new baby, the financial strain etc but I feel desperate on behalf of my dd
who i would hate to be an only child. Any advice please - we have agreed to discuss again in mid Jan - the topic has not been discussed my mutual agreement since November. I feel very resentful of his position as he works away from home a lot and has very little practical input to dd anyway so cannot see how he can be so against it. I feel he is being very selfish and he should be looking at the benefits to our dd.

OP posts:
hercules · 04/01/2006 20:51

Dont know what you can do tbh. If dh wanted another child I would never agree to it in a million years. It's so got to be a joing decision.

joanna4 · 04/01/2006 20:54

Well i dont think i am going to be so popular but here goes for what its worth-is it right to have another child to benefit another should not a child be for love and mutual longing.
My best mate has one child and he is an adorable boy he does not ever miss out from being the only one quite the opposite.

Original poster
obsessedmum · 04/01/2006 20:58

Am really concerned about my dd being an only child. I have a brother whom i adore and my dh
is one of 3. I panic that she will be lonely and
will feel under pressure when she is older as there will be only her.

OP posts:
hercules · 04/01/2006 20:59

I really do think it's something you have to be in agreement on. PErhaps he'll change his mind in years to come. It took dh and me 7 years to agree.

Aloha · 04/01/2006 21:01

I feel for you. My dh would have been happy with just ds, but I cried and he really understood that it was important to me to have another. It has also been wonderful for ds tbh. And of course for me, and for dh. And this is all despite the fact that the little blighter never bloody sleeps!

Original poster
obsessedmum · 04/01/2006 21:03

I am 35 now so do not really have 7 years to discuss it with dh. I am worried that the resentment I feel towards him about this will
push us apart as he is making a life changing decision for me - if I agree not to have a child I think I will spend the rest of my life regretting it and holding him responsible. Which cannot be the basis for a lasting marriage.
Whereas if he decides later in life he wants a child he will still have the option (obviously not with me though)

OP posts:
Abirosie · 04/01/2006 21:55

Hi all

I am 27 and married of 8 years. We had my D 18 months ago and only wanted the one. She is ruined with clothes toys and attention. I have now got my life back and have a lovley part time admin Job, this allows me to be someone else apart from wife and mother.

I think it is important to have a life and feel good about yourself too. Having babies is hard work and when my D wakes in the night and i have work the next day it kills me. I love my D implicitly but i feel D will be better off by herself in the long run and my marrige and self esteem is in tact. She goes to Nursery and has the companionship she needs. This will benefit her social skills.

My advice is to think about you now and get a stunning new wardrobe and haircut, find a really enjoyable part time job make some new fiends and take time out for you. Your Baby will benefit too.

Original poster
obsessedmum · 04/01/2006 22:10

I do work part time also and have got a lot of my life back as she attends a playgroupd 3 times a weeks and is at nursery for the 2 days I work. She goes to Ballet and a gymnastics class where she is left and I can have some time to myself. I think part of it is that I came from a very happy family unit and don't wany my daughter
to miss out on that opportunity. I think was has really triggered things is that a lot of my friends have began having their second children and my dd loves the babies so much - she now pushes her toy pram around with a pretend baby brother or sister in it which breaks my heart.

OP posts:
bev1e · 04/01/2006 22:19

I was desperate to have a third after having a DD and DS. I can't explain the reason for my desperation just that I felt there was a "void" in the family and that if I didn't at least try for a third I would regret it and resent my DH for not agreeing to it.

It took a lot of talking but I managed to convince him that I would be doing all of the "hands on" work bringing up a third. I also made him see how supportive I had been of all of his ventures when at times I hadn't necessarily agreed to what he was doing but knew that it would make him happy to do it. I guess I "persuaded" him to have another in the end.

saadia · 04/01/2006 22:56

I wanted ds2 for the same reason you want another baby. Dh wanted to wait and think about it but one day when ds1 was playing alone by himself and looking a bit sad I just commented that this is what his childhood would be if we didn't have another, and that made dh realise that we should at least try for another.

FWIW I do sympathise and agree with your sentiments, I hope your dh will come to agree too, but, even if he doesn't there are things you can do to make dd not feel lonely and not let her feel that she is at a disadvantage.

Original poster
obsessedmum · 04/01/2006 23:16

thanks for your messages bev1e and saadia - at least it gives me some hope that there was a happy ending for you and it has given me some food for thought. As he is away a lot he does not see her alone very much or see her around the babies. When he is back at weekends we tend to be meeting friends or going to toddler parties/activites. Maybe if he saw how much she loves babies and if I convinced him I would do all the hands on stuff he might at least consider it ... i hope so anyway. Will keep you posted as to what happens!

OP posts:
twotonetinsel · 04/01/2006 23:42

I too was keen that ds1 had a sibling or two and so ds2 was produced. Actually I wish we had gone on to have 3 or 4 as I don't think 2 is all its cracked up to be. Lovely boys, 4 years apart, chalk and cheese, but a lot of mutual winding up, squabbles etc. with no other sibling to turn to, to dilute or defuse things.

I am myself an only child and have to say I liked it that way, particularly when I saw the rivalry between sibs. I only ever envied a friend who was in a family of 5 children, simply because there was a healthy neglect - less pressure on each individual child and they seemed more self-sufficient.

But 2 is no great shakes, IMO.

Piffle · 04/01/2006 23:48

My Dp dropped the bomb the other night as well, we had been actively trying for sometime as our 3yr old dd would like a sibling (I have an older ds 12 from previous relationship)
Dp just said no more, I have had a couple of miscarriages and an ectopic so maybe with him its that.
He just told me then rolled over and went to sleep, he has been working away since
The only thing he said was will you hate me
I said thats a risk you have to take, I don;t know yet...
But I know I do not want another child without his support.

Original poster
obsessedmum · 05/01/2006 19:20

I just feel that he is being so selfish but then maybe so I am trying to push him into it but I feel he should consider our dd as well - he is only thinking of himself. As he is away 4/5 days a week I do all the hands on stuff and feel it would hardly make any real difference to his life in a negative way. I can't understand his reluctance when our dd is so fantastic - well behaved, funny, cute, loving. Why would he not want another one like her?

He has always known that I wanted a family (at least 2 children) and I feel he is going back on his word when we got married that we would have kids - not kid!

OP posts:
mamandelion · 05/01/2006 20:15

Hi, just wanted to say that I too am an only child, and never missed out on a thing. I love the idea that I don't have to share my parents with anyone else and that they love me more than anyone else in the whole world. Your daughter won't suffer from being an only one at all - I rarely envied friends with siblings, and still don't TBH. I think children develop different skills and abilities - I'm not great at sharing things, but very good at keeping myself entertained.Please don't worry about your daughter, she'll be fine I'm sure. But make sure you YOU are happy too. Hope you work it out whatever way

mamandelion · 05/01/2006 20:15

Hi, just wanted to say that I too am an only child, and never missed out on a thing. I love the idea that I don't have to share my parents with anyone else and that they love me more than anyone else in the whole world. Your daughter won't suffer from being an only one at all - I rarely envied friends with siblings, and still don't TBH. I think children develop different skills and abilities - I'm not great at sharing things, but very good at keeping myself entertained.Please don't worry about your daughter, she'll be fine I'm sure. But make sure you YOU are happy too. Hope you work it out whatever way

mamandelion · 05/01/2006 20:15

Hi, just wanted to say that I too am an only child, and never missed out on a thing. I love the idea that I don't have to share my parents with anyone else and that they love me more than anyone else in the whole world. Your daughter won't suffer from being an only one at all - I rarely envied friends with siblings, and still don't TBH. I think children develop different skills and abilities - I'm not great at sharing things, but very good at keeping myself entertained.Please don't worry about your daughter, she'll be fine I'm sure. But make sure you YOU are happy too. Hope you work it out whatever way

Original poster
obsessedmum · 05/01/2006 20:32

I think because I come from a close family I want that for her too - do you feel you would only want one child because of your upbringing?

I know that I want another child for myself as well as soon as I became a mum I knew that this is what I should have done years ago - I love every minute of it and know I cannot be happy if
dh does not agree to at least try for another.

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