Have name-changed for this. I am worried about a close friend I have known for a long time. I have also known her partner since they started going out, and I was quite close to him at one point too, but I keep my distance from him as much as possible these days because I have started to see him in a different light. They?ve been together for six years and we?re all in our mid- to late- thirties. Recently she announced they were trying to conceive, and I wasn?t too surprised and was very pleased for them.
All the time I have known him, he has been a bit of party animal, partial to a drink, a line (or gram) of coke. To be honest, so were me and my friend back in the day although we grew out of it some time ago. About a month ago, she rang me in a bit of a state, I went round and found her very upset, she broke down and said she was very worried about his behaviour, he was going out on alcohol/cocaine binges two or three times a week and communication was breaking down between them. She felt he should give up the drugs now to give them a better chance of conceiving and to prove he can do it, because obviously this is what she expects when they have a baby. Her feelings (which would not be the same as mine) are that once they have a child, she does not mind the odd bender, 1-2 times per year, but more than that would be unacceptable. He agreed and said he would quit as soon as they have a baby but sees no reason to do so in the meantime. They were having a major disagreement about it.
I advised her to stop trying for now, that his behaviour was concerning and disrespectful, and they should get some counselling around his drug/alcohol issues. The other thing that worries me is that she is financially dependent on him (earns a very low salary and plans to be a SAHM when the baby is born), they are not married, they live in a house which he and his family own and she has only ever paid a nominal ?rent? to live there. I tried to explain to her how tiring it is to have a baby without these other issues. She sounded like she was listening...
A few weeks later, she announced she was pregnant. She was already pregnant when we had the conversation but didn?t know. Now this is happening. I have been away a lot and since I got back have tried to meet up with her, so I can see how she is and whether her DP is behaving himself. My suspicions are that he is not, since I have recently had some online messages from him, sounding wasted, at 3-4 in the morning.
I am so worried about her, I can see this all going horribly wrong, although I hope it doesn?t. They have not always had these problems and have previously been a very strong couple. They clearly love each other very much. What advice/ support can I give her? Is there anything practical she can do about their financial set-up? Is it just none of my business?? I should say that she does not have good relationships with her family and I don?t see them being a source of support to her.