Support for those of us whose siblings are drug addicts

[brightblueday]

Are there other people out there who are finding it hard to cope with their siblings drug addiction. My sister has been on cocaine extensively for 10 years. I have just put 2 and 2 together and realised she is also on crack. She is ruining my parents life and completely altered the dynamics of our family. I have to be there to comfort my darling parents who are amazing, but vven though my DH is fantastic, he doesn't completely get how i feel as he hasn't got the same connection to my sister as i have. I am so sad when i think what she has done and what has happened to her that sometimes i cannot bare it.

My brother took heroin for over 10 years. It was the worst thing ever.

My parents didn't know for a while and then my Mum found out but kept it from Dad for a couple of years until he found out too. Dad ignored it all (tbh he's pretty much ignored all of us for all our lives so no change there). Mum tried to be supportive but gave him a roof and money in an effort to keep him away from crime. I think this just kept him going for longer and made the addiction bigger.

He stole from us all, pawned things, lied and lied to get what he wanted. My parents house was 'burgled' while they were on holiday - he swore it wasn't him but I still have my doubts. It was horrendous trying to talk to him while his eyes were drooping and his head lolling about. If he ever showed an interest in me it always turned out that he was just trying to get money out of me. Then there were the times Mum found him close to death and called ambulances in the nick of time and the times we thought he might be dead because we hadn't heard from him for a few days.

The only way I could cope with it was to tell myself I couldn't do anything about it and try to put it to the back of my mind.

Things only improved when Mum finally kicked him out of the house. He then had to reach rock bottom and ended up going to prison for 3 months. This was a real turning point for him. He stopped the heroin but went through a stage of taking other drugs / alcohol instead. Then a few months after coming out of prison his girlfriend got pregnant and that completely changed him. Their son is now 6 and he hasn't taken any drugs for about 6.5 years now - I'm pretty confident about this. He drinks but in a completely normal way - not every day, no binge-drinking. He doesn't even smoke any more. He's held down the same job for 6.5 years and is now also doing a degree as he wants to become a social worker. He's still with his girlfriend and they've had a second son.

If anyone had told me 7 years ago that he'd turn his life around like this I'd never have believed it possible.

I still find it very hard to look at childhood photographs though. I feel so sad for my Mum when I see her friend's children putting photo albums together for their birthdays etc. as I know she finds it hard to see these too. Mum still lives in constant fear that something will go wrong and he'll go back to it, I think it's getting better over time but it'll always be there.

Also, my husband found it hard to understand how I felt too. He's an only child which makes it harder for him to understand that sibling bond. He had also not known my brother before the addiction so just saw him as a waste of space. Now he has a lot of respect for him, really likes him and enjoys spending time with him which is a real joy for me after years of saying how well they would have got on.

I really feel for you and your family and hope that your sister manages to find her way out.

xxx

Thank you for your inspirational post. I have just come off the phone to my dad crying. Currently i cannot ever believe that my sister will stop taking drugs. She is such a convincing liar that we have built up our hopes so many times. I keep thinking she has hit rock bottom, only for her to sink a bit further the next month. People think this only happens in dysfunctional families, but she had a great childhood, education and 100% supportive family. I hate what she has done to us and how she has devastated my parents lives, but i still love her and feel so unbelievably sad.

I remember the feeling of hopelessness so well. I remember talking to my brother and him telling me that no one ever comes off heroin. I thought the situation was completely irreversible and yet he did manage to turn it around in the end.

My family is fairly dysfunctional but I don't believe there's anything particularly bad about us. My parents are both very honest people who have worked hard all their lives. They cared about us -well, my Mum did! Dad was there but not that interested and generally disapproved of us all. Mum took a lot of interest in our education. My brother was no trouble at all until he got to about 17. I think all of my family has pretty low self-esteem and also addictive personalities. For my brother I think he just started smoking cannibis like most people we knew did but he was more adventurous (or trying to prove himself to others, I don't know) and took it a step further and before he knew it he had a big problem.

I remember hating my brother for what he'd done too. The lies, ups and downs and dashed hopes are emotionally draining and there are so few people you can talk to about what's happening.

I still feel pretty angry with my brother now as he's never apologised for what he did to us all. I don't think he sees what he put us through. It's almost as if he had a 10+ year holiday from real life in which he put us through hell and then emerged the other side. I'm so glad to 'have him back' but the relationship is different now.

I phoned Narcotics Anonymous once and found them good to talk to. Unfortunately I think all you can do is distance yourself from what's happening, realise you can't change it and hope like mad that she sorts herself out.

Keep posting here though. I've been thinking about you.

I really want to post on this thread and will come back later as looking after two tiny DCs at the momrnt. My brother was a heroin addict. I've been wanting to find others in the same position with a sibling.
Be back this evening.

brightblueday - I'm so sorry you are going through this with your sister.

My older brother, who will be 30 tomorrow, was a heroin addict for about 4 years. He is now totally clean and has been for 2 years now.
I was the one who raised the alarm after I searched his room while he was out one day - it was when I had just finished uni and he was still living at home too. It was July, and I realised I couldn't remember when I had last seen him wearing short sleeves. I found all his drug paraphenalia and told my mum. He was depressed, and sitting around the house all day, jobless, and not talking to anyone. He had been addicted to heroin for years and hid it from my parents as he'd been living away at uni or in a flat.

After much heartache for my parents which went on for over a year, many nights where my mum was out driving around looking for him so she could bring him back home, my mum letting him smoke crack in her car because she didn't want to let him do it on the streets etc etc...he finally took it upon himself to go cold turkey. My mum took time off work to help him. It took three tries but he finally got himself clean with the help of the NHS where he was prescribed subutex which is a heroin substitute and saw a psychologist.
He relapsed and then a few months later paid for himself to go back on the subutex because the NHS only give you one chance.

The worst thing has been seeing the effect it has had on my parents - in particular my mum. My parents are divorced and my dad lives abroad so it has been mainly her picking up the pieces and supporting him. She lost a stone through worry and stress, and has never put it back on - she's skinny at the best of times. I moved out of home shortly after I discovered his habit, so have been a bit out of the loop.

We never had a good relationship and the heroin has made it worse as it has brought up all sorts of issues - he resents me now for having a 'normal' life - I am married with 2 kids, a house, a qualification etc. My mum has been left questioning what she did wrong to make him like this - I do think it has a lot to do with his childhood - my parents had a very disfunctional relationship which obviously affected the family.

Lindt70percent - your story was good to read. Amazing that your brother has turned his life around.

My brother has a First class degree, was a straight A student....and now drives lorries for a living - and it's an awful and snobbish thing to say - but he could do so much better than this and I can't help feeling embarrassed telling people his job. No-one knows that he is an ex herion addict with a criminal record and so this is actually a good job for him to have. I feel like I am hiding a lot of my life from people by not telling them about it.DH's family don't have a clue!

brightblueday - my mum got in touch with Families Anonymous who are a charity for the families of addicts - and I think she went to some meetings which were very helpful. It might be something for you to think about doing. It is an awful situation and I feel for you.

My brother is a heroin addict. He started at the age of 15 and was using for more then 20 years. For the past 3 years he has been on methadone and living a clean lifestyle and I couldn't be more proud of him.
I am proud of him now but in his using years he dam near killed our Mum, he hurt my step Dad in so many ways. He stole from all of us, he lied to all of us, he broke my heart many times over. I stopped any contact in the end just after my first child was born, I simply couldn't do it any more but I still had to pick up the pieces for my Mum.
Over the years I have lost count of how many programmes he went on, non of them worked. He went to prison, lost the right of contact with his much loved dd and still nothing got through to him. It was when our Mum had to say no more, after he had just about empted her home of anything of any worth including my late step Dads heirlooms, crippled her financially and emotionally that things started to change. He left our home city, running away as he couldn't face what he had done and he didn't come back or make contact until he was off heroin, on a methadone programme and had been for close to a year. Mum and I took things very very slowly not allowing him back in our lives until we saw for ourselves things were different. Over time he did prove himself and I now have my brother back. He is married, has a new baby girl, is a great step Dad, he has found and is building a relationship with a long lost, unknown to him daughter and he is starting a business. His other little girl is still lost to him but he is trying to restore contact with her.
There is light possible at the end of it all but no one can make an addict get there, there is not enough love and support on the world, in fact I believe that only losing the love and support will help but even then there are no guarantees.
My brother will always be an addict, there will never be any changing that and every day of his life will be a struggle against that but I am so proud of how he has pulled himself around but it is a horrific thing to go through as a family, the addict has the easy way out by using drugs to obliterate the problems it is the people who love the addict that have to shoulder a great deal of the pain.

So many of your stories really moved me - and show that where there's life, there's hope.

Sadly my younger sister, who had battled eating disorders and drug addiction, lost her battle with heroin and crack more than 10 years ago but even until her last relapse (and sadly fatal overdose) didn't give up hope that one day she would be drug-free.

OP - please don't give up on your sister - seek help if you need it from somewhere like Narcotics Anonymous who can put you in touch with the group that supports family members of addicts and give you practical advice.

While i totally get the anger/despair and outright hate that a drug-addict sibling can inspire, they can and do turn their lives around. Tough love can and does work. Please get the support you need - and if need be, let your sister realise what she has lost or stands to lose if she chooses (and it is her choice) to continue taking drugs.

My younger brother is a crack head. My other brother and I haven't spoken to him in 4 years, and have no intention to. I don't think my other brother even tells people he has a younger brother, while I will admit he exists and just tell people he's a crack head and I don't talk to him. He stole a lot of money from me before he ran away from home and disappeared for 2 years (he was about 17 at this time), before resurfacing 2 years ago with a "daughter" (who looks nothing like him and who's mother is just as much a crack head as he is) and asking my parents for money. Sadly, my parents give it to him, although they've been better at shifting through his bullshit stories of why he's broke lately and denying some of his requests.

I'm pregnant with my first child and I have no intentions of letting him near my child or back into my life.

Sorry to hear ur going through this. Addiction is devastating for the family and I remember when I found it too much to bare. My brother was addicted to injecting speed for years and his life spiralled out of control, losing his job, car and home. My patents and I were desperate but we all enabled him by giving him money and thinking it helped. I wanted tp save him so much to the point of obsession and was very down about how he'd hurt my parents. After some good advice on here I did some extensive reading on support group websites, al anon, narcotics anon, support for families. The most helpful things I read were the 3 c's..... I can not change him, control him or cure him. I also read up on releasing with love. So I'd didn't disown him I'm here for him but see less of him, it was a good move for my own psyche.

Try and find a way of coping with it and supporting your parents, make it clear to your sister that her choices and lifestyle upsets you and you will not enable her . Addicts are so selfish and manipulative and depressing to be around. He used to beg us to pay his dealers or they'd do him over, we learned to say ...no. his actions, his consequences, even if that leads to overdose. He is now a functioning addict, after sinking into heroin use he did seem to.pick up a bit and is not as bad. Or he's visit it better. It's a soul destroying situation and I wish you the best and send you hugs x x

Thank you for all the support. I keep my sisters problems to myself, so most of my friends don't know. I suppose i am embarrased and worried what they will think. My mum and dad are completely taken over with her problems. I just go along with it when they say 'right that's it, shes on her own now', because the next day they are making excuses for her or bailing her out with money again (like on Monday), despite finding out she is spending approx £700 a week on drugs, has no job just credit cards and an overdraft. This is just a loan they say for when she's sorted herself out! And she's promised she's going to change.
Luckily for them she has moved out of their house into a hovel of a flat with a reformed (apparently) heroin addict.
In the meantime, my dh and i live on a very tight budget with our 2 dc. My parents have missed out a lot on my dc growing up because they have been so exhausted and consumed with my sisters problems. I don't resent them for this, i resent my sister. I am also overcome with worry that my children will take drugs and end up like her.
I often wish she would disappear, but then i feel guilty.

Why should you feel guilty? She's the one who chose her life, she's the one who's made it impossible for you to have a relationship with her. Sometimes you just need to cut people out of your life, especially drug addict siblings who aren't willing to help themselves.

We have this stupid relationship that has gradually happened over the years where i am scared to say anything horrible to her, am really nice to her and bend over backwards for her when she is having a crisis, but deep down resent it all. I am scared of upsetting her and i really don't understand why. I know i am not doing her any favours long term. I am natuarally the sort of person who hates to upset others etc. and can find myself a bit put on at times, so i think this is magnified with my sister.

I didn't tell people about my brother either. I think it was because I thought they'd think of him as a worthless junkie when I still remembered the person he used to be.

My Mum was consumed with his problems too. I'd just had my first baby when she found out and was desperate for some emotional support as I had PND but whenever I saw her she wanted to talk about what has happening with him or my sister (not drugs but serious mental health issues that were just surfacing at the same time). She has also given lots of money too him over the years. Even now when he's turned his whole life around she still helps him far more than she should because she's worried that if he has any problems he'll turn to drugs. It's very irritating when you're the child that always did the right thing and yet you get less help!

Your parents won't be doing her any favours by giving her so much help, it will be making things worse. My Mum saw a drugs counsellor at her GP's surgery and it was him that helped her to see this and gave her the strength to kick him out of her house. Would your parents be open to talking to someone like that?

My Mum's missed out on my children too because of being so involved in my other siblings' problems. I've had to emotionally detach myself from all of them so that it doesn't eat me up. This has helped but has made me feel like the odd one out in the family. I feel quite remote to all of them which still feels a bit surreal. Still, I have my own family now so I'm ok.

Don't feel guilty. You're in a hideous situation and all you want is your normal family back, there's nothing wrong with feeling that way. I think you will have to practise saying no and not helping her to continue as she is. You need to concentrate on your own family now. Take happiness from what you've achieved and don't let her or your parents bring you down.

I was very worried about my children turning to drugs too. The responsibility of having a child was so daunting when I thought what brother had become and yet my parents hadn't been terrible parents. I've had to put it to the back of my mind as I thought is may become a self-fulfilling prophecy. I've calmed down a lot about that now but think I'll be more worried once the children are old enough to go out for nights out etc.