breaking up with the dad of our 2 boys, 2yrs, 1yr

[jbakedbean]

Help please, I've got a knot in my stomach th size of a cow. I've known for a long time that our relationship wasnt going to last, in fact pretty much as soon as I fell pregnant with our first ds, the second was an unplanned miracle but very pleased to have ds2 and it probably has meant the relationship has survived a bit longer. Tonight he said he agreed with me that our relationship should end, not that that is what I said, I said I'd been thinking that I was still unhappy in our relationship and we really needed to work at it. However he is right, our relationship is poor, no attraction, no physical contact, sexual or friendly, no conversation really. On the other hand he loves his boys although the pub and football comes first, and he helps around the house when I nag him.
Tonight he came in from a day playing football then watching it down the pub, whilst my mum babysat the kids and I did a car bootsale to raise some money for Christmas. He came in drunk, 30 min before the kids went to bed, and started rough housing with them (which they do love but it's not conducive to sleep). I glared at him to make it clear I wasn't happy about the third day out in a row spent in the pub as opposed to his family, once the kids were in bed he then dropped the bombshell that he was going to find somewhere to move out to as soon as possible.

I know it is the right thing in the long run for our sanity and for the boys, I'd prefer them to be brought up in loving happy homes with single parents than in unhappy unloving homes. but I am soooooo scared. I have a house to pay for, bills to pay, i've just started up my own business and child care bills for 2 under 3 is astronomical.
All the minor things I've taken for granted like being able to pop out when the kids are asleep for some milk won't be able to happen, being able to grab 30 minutes in the morning as my partner gets up with them 1st thing. Let alone the major things, like stopping my partner from living with his kids, I won't see them 24/7 as he will have them occassionally, stopping my kids from having a loving father that lives with them.

Am I wrong to want to be happy in a relationship? My partner really isn't too bad compared to many other blokes, I've spent the last three years trying to make it work but he said tonight that he isn't going to change so we should just cut our losses.

Don't know why I'm writing this, therapy? advice? have you been through a similar situation? I'm not fussed about being alone, I just don't want to wreck peoples lives because I expect too much and I'm acting like a spoilt brat. That was fine when I was 16, but i'm in my 30's, we have 2 kids and houses and there is so much more at stake. I love my kids more than anything in the world and the thought of not having them one day a week would kill me. I need to be putting them to bed and kissing them goodnight, and if that one day a week would kill me how would i feel if i was the man and i missed out on 6 days a week? I'd be abolutely devasted, but at the same time I think I would make a big effort to change before throwing in the towel, so perhaps I'm not being unreasonable and he is just as unhappy as i am but was just hanging in for the sake of the kids.

Help!!!

Me. I'd be asking what her name is. Men don't leave voluntarily unless they have someone else to go to :(

It sounds like you are really unhappy in this relationship and that isn't good for the boys. It will all work out just fine - try not to worry!

Plan the time when they aren't with you & make the most of it.

I just don't get it though - there you are car booting, trying to get some money for Christmas and he's just spent 3 days at the pub?? There's no way that would be happening here, no way.

I agree men don't leave voluntarily unless they have someone else. My H said the same to me in October about wanting us to be completing over as he realised that he no longer loves me. That he changed the fun, flirty me(used to be very jealous ) into someone he no longer loves. Because I know him my gut instinct told me he was seeing someone else. He begged me 3 weeks before that to give him another chance because he loved me and our girls and suddenly he no longer did. A week later I found out he was seeing someone else. He was just too coward.
You will survive with your kids on your own. My girls are 4 and 7 months old and the baby was only 3 months old when I kicked him out. It is bloody hard but I am so much happier

I feel for you, and I im a similar situation. I just wanted to put it simple, that my children are 3.8yo and 1yo and I have opted not to make any splitting decisions (unless something serious about infidelity etc) until the eldest starts primary school next year. If I rush now, I would have astronomical childcare bills to deal with, so I thought is not that bad, and I do get some help from him rather than NIL at all, and we get on on OKish on daily basis, so I can and will wait for more convenient time. I hope you will make a wise decision as well.

just had another conversation where it was just pointless, at no point did he say anything to try and make it work, and then stormed off when I said that he should move out when his house becomes available. (about 3 weeks, bad timing near christmas I know).
He also says that he won't be much of a dad when we break up as he'll be too angry at me, I said that is fair enough to be angry at me, but why take it out on the kids? talk about cuttin your nose off to spite your face, perhap he isn't the dad i thought he was either.

Fun times ahead. , thanks for your help, and I certainly don't want to judge you confusedperson but for me I'd prefer to sell my house and live in a smaller place than be with someone who didn't care about me. You're right in not a swift decision, I have been sitting on this for 3 years, and he says he is happy to continue as things are. I'm not suprised, gets to go to the pub when he wants, spends his time at the bookies and watching sports at weekends, I take the kids out at weekends as I can't stand to be stuck in a house and the kids need to be active and he now says that i make no time for him to fit in with the family. arggghhhh

Look on the bright side, at least you don't have to make the decision of whether to stay with him as he's made it for you. You therefore don't need to torture yourself with guilt about what he's missing. It's just a matter of trying to make it as smooth as possible for the boys. He'll say a lot of aggressive things at this stage as part of the breaking up process, but in the longer term if he really loves them he will stop using them to punish you and start working out how to be the best dad he can in his limited time with them. (And if he doesn't really love them, the sooner they get used to life without him the better.)

This is for the best, but of course it won't be easy. Get some legal advice, I would, as you presumably have assets in common. There's a lot of advice available about successful co-parenting as well. Google "divorce separation" and take your pick! (The CAB is very good.)

Of course some men leave without going to another woman! How ridiculous, you can't generalise like that.

If he's always been a good dad while a crap partner (which is entirely possible, a man can love his DC and share the care of them while being non-monogamous/uninterested in his partner/rubbish at sex/simply not interested in the couple-relationship - this is different to a man who is abusive who can't be a good dad, because an abuser is a bad person) you may well be able to come to an amicable arrangement which actually gets you some childfree time when he is having the DC.

A good friend of mine has just instigated the breakdown of his marriage. He doesn't have anyone else. Another did the same a couple of months ago. He didn't have anyone else either.
The sweeping generalisation that men only sod off to someone else is utter rubbish. Does that mean that every woman needs to consider that their DP/DH is only with them because they haven't found anyone else yet?

From what the OP has posted, I think it's quite possible that the H has decided he doesn't want the hassle of a couple-relationship; she would like him to change his behaviour and spend more time with her and he would rather spend time watching football and in the pub. So actually it is not unreasonable of him to agree that the two of them are not making each other happy and should separate.

Jbakedbean, at the moment you will both be a bit angry and sad, so I don't think I would necessarily conclude that he won't be around in the future for the children. Things do get said in these situations.

I can see why you are sad too, but to be honest, you need at least one of you to want to save this, and from what I can see, neither of you wants to fight for it.

I know it seems hard, but you will be fine that one or two days a week if he takes the children, you may even come to love that time on your own, and you sound like the nice type of person who will do everything they can to make sure the children have a good relationship with him.

I think what you are experiencing is sadness.

I would not necessarily be looking for an OW, there might be one, there may not. I certainly know a man who wanted to leave last year (in the end he didn't) and it was just more a symptom of dissatisfaction and stress than having anyone else. However, being human, I expect your H would like to meet someone in the future who likes him (just as you would like to have someone to talk with and some romance) and in some ways that might be best all round.

thanks everyone, you all make very good points. we're trying til after christmas, but the writing is on the wall. I don't think it's another woman but if I'm honest I know I can't make him happy so I'd like to think at some point in the future we can both meet someone who it does work with. Until then I'm looking forward to a lot of hard work being a single mum, some pretty tough times and conversations but in the long term seperation is the right thing for everyone.

Thanks again

I would disagree that men always leave for someone else. That may be many people's experience but my OH simply wanted to be on his own - he cracked up with pressure of work and home.

I feel for you OP. I think counselling would be a good thing - either to save your relationship or to produce some resolution.

Keep talking.

I can remember when I was younger, insisting that men don't always have a partner in reserve when they leave. Then a male friend lied to my face about why his marriage had broken up and admitted later that as he was lying to his wife about his affair, he was hardly going to admit the truth to friends. Since then and having seen more and more break-ups when men left their families and insisted there was no-one else involved, it's often astonished me how stupid they think people are, either when they try to convince people that they miraculously met a new partner within weeks of their departure, or when they suddenly had a 'change of heart' and returned home, when the truth was that they were dumped by the OW, or the affair had run its course.

In this case, another woman would seem the least of your problems OP. Just be careful that you have some control over the timing of your partner's departure, if that's what you want to happen. Normally if children are involved and there is no-one else, a couple will try everything before ending the relationship. If he's doing none of that and still wants to leave despite what sounds like a charmed life, then I think you'd have every right to be suspicious. But tbh, it just sounds like you'd be better off apart. Good luck and remember you have the right to end this relationship yourself.