Childhood abuse making me terrified of messing things up with ds

[Moltisanti]

I had a bad childhood, from age seven my mum got together with my stepdad who was physically abusive, verbally abusive and sexually inappropriate towards me. I lived in a state of fear until I moved out at 19 and i have never really come to terms with what happened in terms of my self esteem and getting my head around my mum staying with him through it all. She says she feels like she was brainwashed but that's of little help to me. And the bottom line is, now I am a parent myself, my past is coming back to haunt me.

I am happily married now and despite struggling with depression over the years since, I am now very settled and have a lovely ds (14 months) who I adore. I am so happy to have my own family. It's a dream come true.

However, lots of feelings plague me. I adore my little boy so much, and the thought of someone holding his head underwater til he feels like he will die (which is what my stepdad did to me) horrifies me, I don't know how my mum let it happen to me. I would take a bullet for my ds. How could she stand there and let him get away with that? I also have lots of nightmares, of things happening to my ds, that leave me terrified when I wake up. I love that little boy more than anything in the world.

On top of that, I am terrified of letting ds down. I am worried that the playtime we do together isn't stimulating enough for him, or that I don't take him to enough activity groups (I am shy), or that, most of all, I am not putting enough effort into his food. I know other mums who have done Anabel Karmel meals from scratch and frozen them etc, but until lately we didn't even have a freezer so I could do that (long story) and I am having trouble moving him on with diffrent texture finger foods and proper meals. I feel like a total failure. I am worried he isn't getting enough nutrition despite him having fruit, meat, veg etc at every meal.

I also worry every time I put him in the playpen for five mins while I clean up, like I am being a bad mum, or every time we go into town, in case he is bored because I am not playing with him.

I can't think straight and all this pressure in my head is driving me nuts.

Should just clarify, no problems in my marriage, nor have there ever been, depression was since my childhood.

You sound like a terrific mum, don't think different.

Have you had any counselling for your abusive childhood? I'm so sorry that happened to you. It's not unusual to have it all resurface when you have dc of your own.

You poor thing. Have you had any counselling? Would you think about it? Because yes, of course your love for your child is going to drag up to the surface all the unresolved issues with your mum - and quite rightly. I agree with you - how the hell could she do that? You're right to be angry.

And re your parenting - the food thing sounds fine. I have a DS who has survived on a diet of pasta, more pasta, some fruit and then pasta for years and years - and he's fine. Tall, healthy, happy. You just have to do the best you can - and you're certainly doing that.

Going into town - he has all sorts of interesting things to see and hear. The playpen - well, if you couldn't ever clean the house would be a tip and how would that help him?

You need to relax - just because your mother was a shit parent DOES NOT mean you will be. You sound like an amazing parent - you should be bloody proud of yourself. Just get some help - see a counsellor. Your GP will refer.

Buzzswellington- I have been in and out of therapy for 12 years but none has ever concentrated on the childhood solely. To some extent it was lidded, the memories etc, until i had ds, but confusion over being around my mum comes and goes. Some times I can't stand to be around her, and at others I want to talk to her.

hassled- I am glad you said that about the food. At the moment he just keeps spitting everything out and I have been lead to believe from the parenting books I read that ds should be eating homemade vegetable pies and the like without trouble! I will talk to my GP. I just don't know what to do with all these feelings. My mum has been around so much since ds was born, coming up virtually every weekend, but it kind of pisses me off cos she never wanted to see me that much. It's cos she wants to see ds!

Oh, and baby groups etc are not necessary - little children don't really play with each other, more alongside, and get more from your company than they do from groups or their peers. The social aspect is more for the parents, I think . So if it's not something you enjoy attending, don't beat yourself up about it.

There are always mums who do the Karmel thing, but loads of us don't , and all dc do things at different times. Don't get too hung up on what other people appear to be doing.

Maybe counselling for your childhood explicitly would be a good thing - it's probably what underlies all the episodes of depression in your past.

I am not the sort of person who can just start chatting to other mums at those groups. I was taking ds to Baby Bounce and Rhyme at the library, but as you say, he probably doesn't care if we are doing rhymes at home or there.

I think you are right about counselling. In many ways I am reluctant to open that pandoras box, but in others I know there is unfinished business there. I waiver wildly with wanting my mum around. Sometimes I don't want to see or speak to her and others I fancy chatting to her. Its very confusing. But the bottom line is that when I imagine someone hurting ds I feel horrified at her inaction for all those years and don't know what to do with the situation.

Only do the groups if it makes you feel better - I made precisely zero friends doing baby songtime or baby swimming - but otoh it was good for me to get out and about when I was a sahm, as left to myself I'd have gone hermit. I don't honestly think either of my kids got much out of the groups themselves, 'though.

I think you're bound to have mixed emotions about your mum, after all you love her, she's your mum, but she let you down very badly, the person who was suppposed to protect you and love you. She was complicit with what he did to you.

Was he abusive to her as well?

No, he cheated on her and didnt spend much time with her, but he wasn't abusive. He took an instant dislike to me and decided to try and become my dad by being an ogre. Neither of us have anything to do with him anymore, but what he did to me is nowhere near as bad as her letting it all happen. I was her child, after all.

I am determined to give ds the happiest childhood I possibly can, which is why I am terrified of messing it up somehow.

It doesn't sound to me like you're likely to mess anything up. I think your DS will be just fine.

But please talk to someone re your mother. Is there anything you can do to limit the visits? - it sounds like a lot of weekly exposure to someone you're having a lot of mixed emotions about. Can't be easy at all.

have you been over to the Stately homes threads?

These are really excellent in allowing you to offload and reassuring you what you're doing right as a parent.

When you had an abusive childhood and you are aware of the fact that that may affect your parenting, you spend every single moment second-guessing whether you are doing it right, even more than the average parent does. The stately home threads will provide you with reassurance and guidance and support on an ongoing basis, for as long as you need them.

And counselling about your childhood may also help. Until you've opened that up to the light and drawn out its poison, it will always oppress you. It keeps you second-guessing and doubting yourself as a parent, until you've resolved it. But only you know when you'll be ready for that and I think the stately homes threads here may help you decide that.

FWIW you sound like a great mum. All your DS really needs is for you to love and protect him, all the other bits and bobs like going to baby groups and such just pass the time really. As long as he's in an environment that has plenty of interest for him and you chat to him now and again he will develop just fine.

I was in a similar position as you in the sense that my mum allowed abuse to happen to me (although the specific situation was different) and I really can't believe it. I struggled with it for years but things have only improved for me since I've had less contact with her and I've accepted that she's a rubbish mum who won't ever give me what I want. I think cutting down contact might help you in the long run too although I know getting to that stage really isn't easy and counselling might be necessary first. Strangely enough my mother's interest in me went up a huge amount when my DS was born. Up until then she didn't visit me for two years (I live in a different country, but not that far away) despite repeated invitations but since DS was born she's been over twice in 10 months and she's coming over again for Christmas. I feel like I really don't mean much to her and DS is just a novelty for the time being.

Hassled- well this week I cancelled seeing her, saying I wasn't feeling too good. It's true, of course, but because of her, not re illness. It's expected that we will see each other this sat instead, but I am not sure. I like talking to her about female stuff, like clothes or tv or whatever, but I am so pissed off about everything else that it makes superficial conversation hard.

We also have a tricky situation at the moment which has bought up the past more for me. My half sister is getting married and it means that the stepdad will be there, and both me and mum have both said we won't go if he is there, but even so, just the stickiness of the situation is really bothering me, and the thought of bumping into him horrifies me, and I have been getting myself in a state about it, and mum, in our last conversation, told me I should just 'chill out' which pissed me off even more.

Eleanor- I will check out the thread, I think I may have posted to it once in the past. And you're right about counselling.

cailinDana- I am in EXACTLY the same boat. Since I had ds my mum has been wanting to see us most weekends. It pisses me off because we only saw each other about once month or less before that. It hurts my feelings that she didn't want to see me that much before, and that it's obviously keenness to see ds, who she adores. You have my sympathy because I know how it all feels. I do sometimes cancel seeing her because I don't feel like it, but then I feel so guilty it's like carrying a giant weight around my neck. Thing is, I think she thinks she has been a good mum to me, and would be devastated to know what I think, which oddly makes me sad for her.

Have you tried talking to her about it? I talked to my mum about the abuse on two different occasions years apart and both times she fobbed me off with a version of your mum's "chill out" - basically she made out I was making too big a deal of it and I should just drop it. The second time she did that to me she was actually doing me a favour as it was the slap in the face that I needed to wake me up from the stupid dream I had that one day she would actually care about me. I started distancing myself from her from that time onwards and it has helped hugely. I no longer give a shit about what she thinks of me and I am released from the giant weight that you are still unfortunately carrying. I will never stop her seeing her grandson but I will never care for her or go out of my way for her. Like you I feel sad for my mum too for various reasons.

I have bought it up once or twice, but when I do she cries or gets defensive, and I end up comforting her. she says that she thinks it's in the past now and I should leave it be. Ha! I would love to leave it be but I am stuck with the scars of it and constant reminders. More recently I mentioned that I read in the paper that some guy got put in prison for doing one of the violent things my stepdad did to me, and she just started crying and saying she wishes she could take it all back, and I ended up telling her it is ok, which it bloody isn't.

Problem is, she is still similar behaviour-wise with her new husband, who is a nice guy. She puts him first in the most ridiculous way. There was one time I self harmed so badly that I had to have twelve stitches, and when I begged to see her she said she couldn't because they wanted to paint their hallway. So, bottom line, she hasn't changed.

Sounds very familiar Moltisanti. When I tried to push my mum into talking about the abuse I suffered she said I was trying to make her feel guilty. When I was depressed she pretended to be supportive at first, and did a pretty good job of it, but soon enough it all went back to how she was feeling and how upset she was. I was barely able to get out of bed and yet I'd have her crying down the phone to me about how awful it all was. Once she realised she was going to get no sympathy from me she just stopped talking about it and it was as if I wasn't ill at all.

I don't know if you've ever felt the same way but sometimes, growing up, I felt like I was the mother and she was the child. She used to turn to complain to me about her friends and my dad and used to turn to me for advice. When she was going for a promotion at work I was on the phone to her every night talking her through things and reassuring her she would get it - she would never do the same for me. I won't ever be there for her like that again, it's not worth the effort.

From what you say I think it is definitely time to start cutting her off - you don't seem to get much besides heartache out of the relationship.

Yeah I can relate. My mum will be there for me, but only as long as it doesn't get in the way of her painting her nails. She will never put herself out for me the way you do when you love someone, particularly your kid. She wouldn't even have my sister stay in her spare bedroom when my sister was very ill with anorexia, because 'the computer was in there'.

She has shown herself to be very unconfident about herself and spineless- she will say one thing to one person and another to another. Its almost as though she doesn't have a grown up mind or opinions of her own.

I know if I ever told her how sad I am about everything she would either get defensive and/or cry down the phone, and probably hang up on me. I've noticed that whenever her poor parenting is highlighted, or her selfishness, she gets arsey. Last time she did that was a few months back when she was ranting at me as she wanted me to bring ds to the park in the boiling heat, despite the fact that he had been projectile vomiting that morning. When I refused she got really angry with me, and then I said that he comes first and that I don't need her browbeating me into stuff for her own ends, and as soon as I said that she started crying, got even angrier and then I hung up in frustration.

You know what is really insane? I am worried about hurting her by not seeing her so often/ at all. I am worried also that she will cry to others and they will think me a wanker.

She's not the one I would be calling that! Have you looked back at what you have written about you and her? You sound like a totally loving mother who wants nothing but the best for her child and she sounds like a manipulative .....
So sorry for what you went through. Be happy with your lovely family( I am so tempted to add and let her stew in her own juices!)

Thank you Wolfiefan. I just read the thread back to myself and if I was reading it about someone else I would be commenting to say similar to what you said about her. Somehow I am manipulated into believing that she is a nice person who somehow messes up occasionally.

There is huge huge guilt around distancing yourself from a parent. Even the worst parents have good points. I used to tear myself up over the fact that my mum worked very hard in a full time job to support all of us while my dad didn't work. I do appreciate that, but it doesn't make up for the fact that I had no one, absolutely no one, I could depend on when I was growing up. I was an incredibly lonely person, and as an adult I genuinely didn't expect anyone to give a shit about me. It was a shock to realise that my DH really really cared, that he would rearrange his whole day, even his whole life, to make things better for me, whereas my mother just wants to get on with her own thing and sees me as an inconvenience. I too worried that people would think badly of me, and as I expected my bitch of a sister was the first to criticise me. Her criticism upset me at the time but over time I realised that if my mother was not going to look after me I absolutely had to look after myself and part of that was cutting myself off from her. It was for my own good. Honestly I think me not being part of her life has made very little difference to her. She texts now and again but doesn't ring me, ever. She sees videos of DS on facebook and that keeps her in contact with him. When she visits we're perfectly friendly, no one would think there was any animosity between us, and in fact if you asked my mother I think she would say our relationship is fine. She's not able for a meaningful relationship, our superficial one is what she wants.

I behave similar with my children op but through therapy I was told it was a separation anxiety I had.. constantly doubting yourself as a parent, constantly worried for their safety etc, my advice would be to speak to your gp who will then put you in contact with a therapist, I believe highly of therapy and believe with a little time you'll soon get better with this.. I'm really sorry you had to go through such a terrible childhood and I hope you speak to your gp, god bless..

CailinDana, it amazes me how similar your feelings are to mine. I had nobody either. I used to pack a bag to run away but I knew my stepdad would make my life hell if they found me again. At nine years old I used to bang my head against the bedroom wall with self hatred. the only person who was my saviour was my grandma. I used to stay at her house for a few days on and off during the school holidays and it was my sanctuary. However when I had to go home I cried my eyes out. It was a living hell. I was shown I was worthless every single day.

I never thought anybody would give a shit about me either. My husband is the only person (and ds) who I know loves me truly. I still can't get my head around why he thinks me worthwhile, but I believe he does.

There was a period several years back when I was very Unwell with depression and self harm, and I left it for a while because I couldn't bear to talk to mum. She didn't ring me in six months. She literally thought nothing of it. I was cutting myself to ribbons with knives, so sad about it. And then when I eventually spoke to her (I called) I started kidding myself and letting her off the hook again.

But now I am a mother, the reality has really hit me. How little she cared/cares shocks me.

Liverladylass- thanks for your kind message. Talking to people on here helps so much. I can see what you're saying about separation anxiety, that makes a lot of sense. I will definitely see my GP.

Moltisanti - I lived with a stepmother who made me feel shit for years, though I didn't suffer the terrible abuse you did. I also have a disappointing and toxic mother.

So I understand some of your feelings only too well - the difference being I've worked through a lot of it and can manage my feelings (most of the time).

I want to grab you by the arms and look you in the eye and tell you 'You are a great mum - you are clearly doing everything in your power to give him a great start in lifeand above all else you are making him feel loved and protected and valued.'

You need to start to believe that. I think counselling would be a great thing. And controversially(this is something you could explore with a good counsellor) consider the possibility of cutting your mother out of your life if she does more harm than good.

x

Thank you Proudnscary. X